Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
-
Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12948
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Re: Joke thread
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
Re: Joke thread
Anyone notice that Homeopaths Without Borders aren't exactly rushing to go tackle the Ebola outbreak?
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
-
clapton is god
- Passionate
- Posts: 2376
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:55 pm
- Location: Worryingly close to Old Tr*fford.
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "Well, there are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. He was some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "Well, there are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. He was some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
-
TANGODANCER
- Immortal
- Posts: 44175
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
-
Dujon
- Passionate
- Posts: 3340
- Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 1:37 am
- Location: Australia, near Sydney, NSW
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
Top marks, Clappers! 
-
clapton is god
- Passionate
- Posts: 2376
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:55 pm
- Location: Worryingly close to Old Tr*fford.
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
Zac decides life would be more fun if he had a pet but as he lives alone and works long hours he needs a pet that can easily be left at home or taken to work with him! He visits the local pet shop and explains his dilemma and after some discussion, is persuaded to buy a centipede that lives in a little white box which serves as the insect's house.
He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start early training by taking his new pet to church with him. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? "
There was no answer!
He waited a few minutes and then asked again, in a slightly louder voice, "How about going to church with me to receive blessings?"
Again, there was no answer.
He waited a few minutes more before putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
A little voice came out of the box and said, "There's no need to shout Zac! I heard you the first time...................................
.......................................... I'm putting my shoes on!"
He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start early training by taking his new pet to church with him. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? "
There was no answer!
He waited a few minutes and then asked again, in a slightly louder voice, "How about going to church with me to receive blessings?"
Again, there was no answer.
He waited a few minutes more before putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"
A little voice came out of the box and said, "There's no need to shout Zac! I heard you the first time...................................
.......................................... I'm putting my shoes on!"
-
TANGODANCER
- Immortal
- Posts: 44175
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
Re: Joke thread
Zac?!
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
Re: Joke thread
Really enjoying Liam Williams at the moment:
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
-
Andy Waller
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1469
- Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:05 pm
Re: Joke thread
Are you an insomniac?Prufrock wrote:Really enjoying Liam Williams at the moment:
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
-
clapton is god
- Passionate
- Posts: 2376
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:55 pm
- Location: Worryingly close to Old Tr*fford.
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via email
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via email
-
Always hopeful
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1083
- Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 9:09 pm
- Location: Sat in the back bedroom.
Re: Joke thread
I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust.
Hope is what keeps us going.
Re: Joke thread
It wasn't funny when Tim Vine said it. They could at least aim to put a bit of variety into these 'joke of the fringe'awards instead of constantly picking fecking one liners.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
-
bobo the clown
- Immortal
- Posts: 19597
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 8:49 am
- Location: N Wales, but close enough to Chester I can pretend I'm in England
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
Well I think the "gathering dust" joke was proper funny. Pru's just in a grump.LeverEnd wrote:Spoilsport. I chuckled at that til you went and ruined it.
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
-
Andy Waller
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1469
- Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:05 pm
Re: Joke thread
Can we have the one about the suicidal Irish twin who shot his brother, or is that non PC?
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
-
bobo the clown
- Immortal
- Posts: 19597
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 8:49 am
- Location: N Wales, but close enough to Chester I can pretend I'm in England
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
Is it one of the Jedwards ? If so, please let it be true.Andy Waller wrote:Can we have the one about the suicidal Irish twin who shot his brother, or is that non PC?
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests