Joke thread

[Beefheart]

I'm in favour of equal rights for women, and for white rappers. I'm a feminemineminist.

[Gary the Enfield]

I'm in favour of equal rights for women, and for white rappers. I'm a feminemineminist.

Wonderful. Like that. :0)

[General Mannerheim]

what do you call a scally eskimo?

inuinnit.

[Prufrock]

People in Iran are scared of Spiders.

In Iraq , no Phobia.

[clapton is god]

After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2
things you all need to know.
Firstly, she really is as sexy as hell and secondly, the staff at
Madame Tussauds are miserable b*stards with no sense of humour!!

****************************************
Took the other half to a Disco last night.
There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing,
backflips, moonwalking, the works.
The wife says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him
down."
I replied, "Looks like he’s still celebrating."

**************************************
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking
through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French
maid’s outfit, and a policewoman’s uniform i finally decided if she
can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

[TANGODANCER]

Or, as the immortal Bob Monkhouse said:
"When I said I wanted to be a comedien, everybody laughed. Well, they're not laughing now!"

[Prufrock]

[thebish]

[Prufrock]

[clapton is god]

Police are looking for a man who robbed an off-licence using scissors
They say the guy could be a real danger... unless you have a rock.

[General Mannerheim]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

[thebish]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

[Gary the Enfield]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

That's excellent. Best I could get was 66 mins.

1) From Tooting Broadway take the Northern Line
2) Change train at Bank to the Central
3) Change train at Mile End to the District Line
4) Leave the train at Barking

Journey: Tooting Broadway → Tooting Bec → Balham → Clapham South → Clapham Common → Clapham North → Stockwell → Oval → Kennington → Elephant & Castle → Borough → London Bridge → Bank change train Bank → Liverpool Street → Bethnal Green → Mile End change train Mile End → Bow Road → Bromley-by-Bow → West Ham → Plaistow → Upton Park → East Ham → Barking

Estimated time: 66 mins

Fare zones: 1, 2, 3, 4

[Worthy4England]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

That's excellent. Best I could get was 66 mins.

1) From Tooting Broadway take the Northern Line
2) Change train at Bank to the Central
3) Change train at Mile End to the District Line
4) Leave the train at Barking

Journey: Tooting Broadway → Tooting Bec → Balham → Clapham South → Clapham Common → Clapham North → Stockwell → Oval → Kennington → Elephant & Castle → Borough → London Bridge → Bank change train Bank → Liverpool Street → Bethnal Green → Mile End change train Mile End → Bow Road → Bromley-by-Bow → West Ham → Plaistow → Upton Park → East Ham → Barking

Estimated time: 66 mins

Fare zones: 1, 2, 3, 4

I've travelled the Underground with your good self - did you take any wrong turns?

[Gary the Enfield]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

That's excellent. Best I could get was 66 mins.

1) From Tooting Broadway take the Northern Line
2) Change train at Bank to the Central
3) Change train at Mile End to the District Line
4) Leave the train at Barking

Journey: Tooting Broadway → Tooting Bec → Balham → Clapham South → Clapham Common → Clapham North → Stockwell → Oval → Kennington → Elephant & Castle → Borough → London Bridge → Bank change train Bank → Liverpool Street → Bethnal Green → Mile End change train Mile End → Bow Road → Bromley-by-Bow → West Ham → Plaistow → Upton Park → East Ham → Barking

Estimated time: 66 mins

Fare zones: 1, 2, 3, 4

I've travelled the Underground with your good self - did you take any wrong turns?

Ha! Yes. I was still looking for the books. To my eternal embarrassment.

[Abdoulaye's Twin]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

That's excellent. Best I could get was 66 mins.

1) From Tooting Broadway take the Northern Line
2) Change train at Bank to the Central
3) Change train at Mile End to the District Line
4) Leave the train at Barking

Journey: Tooting Broadway → Tooting Bec → Balham → Clapham South → Clapham Common → Clapham North → Stockwell → Oval → Kennington → Elephant & Castle → Borough → London Bridge → Bank change train Bank → Liverpool Street → Bethnal Green → Mile End change train Mile End → Bow Road → Bromley-by-Bow → West Ham → Plaistow → Upton Park → East Ham → Barking

Estimated time: 66 mins

Fare zones: 1, 2, 3, 4

Coincidence the TFL site is now broken?

[Andy Waller]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground – he went from Barking to Tooting in an hour

That's excellent. Best I could get was 66 mins.

1) From Tooting Broadway take the Northern Line
2) Change train at Bank to the Central
3) Change train at Mile End to the District Line
4) Leave the train at Barking

Journey: Tooting Broadway → Tooting Bec → Balham → Clapham South → Clapham Common → Clapham North → Stockwell → Oval → Kennington → Elephant & Castle → Borough → London Bridge → Bank change train Bank → Liverpool Street → Bethnal Green → Mile End change train Mile End → Bow Road → Bromley-by-Bow → West Ham → Plaistow → Upton Park → East Ham → Barking

Estimated time: 66 mins

Fare zones: 1, 2, 3, 4

Obviously because you weren't on all fours.

[thebish]

clearly the dog had an all day rover ticket....

[Montreal Wanderer]

[clapton is god]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Wigan bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Wigan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Wigan.. like I said, my boy's a typical Wigan baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Wigan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Wiganer takes a slow swig of his pint, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him circumcised..."