Joke thread

clapton is god · Post by **clapton is god** » Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:50 pm

Caster Semeny, the South African athlete who has recently been forced to unedrtake a gender test said "After doing so well in my event I think being forced to undergo this humiliation is a right kick in the bollocks!"

spraggy · Post by **spraggy** » Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:25 pm

A man goes to a doctor. He's got a cucumber up his nose, a banana in his left ear and a carrot in his right ear.

'What's the matter with me doctor?' he asks.

'You're not eating properly' replies the doctor.

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:37 pm

My girlfriend left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

The ruthless bitch! I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes!

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:22 pm

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!"

Mick says "Did you see who did it?"

Paddy says "No, but I got the registration number!!"

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:40 am

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:41 am

The difference between having Guts and having Balls?

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:55 pm

scottish bloke walks into a bar in canada, after a couple of whiskeys he asks the barman,

''What is that large stuffed animals head up there with the antlers?''

barman replies ''thats a moose."

"fu ck me" says the jock, "how big are the cats!?"

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Sat Sep 19, 2009 1:55 am

Ms Prufrock went into the dentist the other day, she said, "I've just had this bridge put in, and now I can't say my 'f's, or my 'th's"

Dentist said, "well, you can't say fairer than that then"

BOOM BOOM!!

Bruno · Post by **Bruno** » Sat Sep 19, 2009 8:40 am

Here's one.

What's bang out of order?

[spoiler] B A G N[/spoiler]

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:23 pm

doctor - please help me - I'm in torment - I can't decide if I'm a wigwam or a tepee...
wigwam?? tepee?? wigwam?? tepee???? arghhhh I just can't decide - heeeelp meeee!

calm down, young man, relax, you're two tents....

Mansell Way · Post by **Mansell Way** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 1:49 pm

lifted from the Jon Richardson show:

what do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?

Limp biscuit

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:48 am

A farmer is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
calf?'
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,'
says the farmer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'
'You work for the Government', says the farmer.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive
equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows....
this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'

Always hopeful · Post by **Always hopeful** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 9:36 pm

Q: What's brown and green, got six legs, and if it fell out of a tree and hit you, it'd kill you?

A: A snooker table.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:17 pm

What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

Stephen Gately's suitcase.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:18 pm

Have you heard about steven gateley?

What a bummer

Little Green Man · Post by **Little Green Man** » Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:06 am

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name." he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she answered. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'."

"So anyway, what's your name?" she asked.

"B.J. Titzengolf", replied the man.

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Fri Oct 16, 2009 2:22 pm

prefer the 'Charlie Beertits' puncline myself!

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:21 am

What do Women and Clouds have in Common??

Occasionally they f*ck off and it's a really nice day!

ratbert · Post by **ratbert** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:50 am

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way..

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

seanworth · Post by **seanworth** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:21 pm

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

And

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Frost off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent,
non-English speaking Coleridgesuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing,
bomb making, goat Frost-ing, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?

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