Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
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TANGODANCER
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- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
Racecar is Racecar Backwards is one of my favourite albums ever.seanworth wrote:Did you know:
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.
And
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"
and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Frost off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent,
non-English speaking Coleridgesuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing,
bomb making, goat Frost-ing, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that?
Not a joke, just a comment.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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General Mannerheim
- Legend
- Posts: 6343
- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
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Zulus Thousand of em
- Icon
- Posts: 5043
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 9:58 am
- Location: 200 miles darn sarf
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Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12942
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
*Why I fired my Secretary...........
Yesterday was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
S0 What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day......
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
0K
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.*
Yesterday was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
S0 What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day......
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
0K
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.*
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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TANGODANCER
- Immortal
- Posts: 43356
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
Bill: I'm in deep shxt with the wife.
Ben: Whats up:
Bill: Well, you see, the wife's an orphan and she didn't know. Today she found out and it's been floods of tears all day.
I put my arm round her and comforted her and she calmed down a bit and asked me to make love to her.
Ben: Did it help.
Bill: Nope, more floods of tears. Mind you, in retrospect, giving her a robust rear-ender while shouting "Who's the daddy" might have been a bit insensitive.
Ben: Whats up:
Bill: Well, you see, the wife's an orphan and she didn't know. Today she found out and it's been floods of tears all day.
I put my arm round her and comforted her and she calmed down a bit and asked me to make love to her.
Ben: Did it help.
Bill: Nope, more floods of tears. Mind you, in retrospect, giving her a robust rear-ender while shouting "Who's the daddy" might have been a bit insensitive.
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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General Mannerheim
- Legend
- Posts: 6343
- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
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General Mannerheim
- Legend
- Posts: 6343
- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
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Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12942
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
A LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be
extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be
extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12942
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
The importance of clarity
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?'
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: 'Is that one word, or two?'
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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