Today I'm happy about......

[Annoyed Grunt]

Happy that my brother has decided to get married May 2015.....getting asked to be best man, having to sort out a speech.....shitting it.....

You'll be reet, lad. Plenty of good help online re putting it together.

True, but my brother's was an absolute cracker....need to at least match it....

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Happy that my brother has decided to get married May 2015.....getting asked to be best man, having to sort out a speech.....shitting it.....

You'll be reet, lad. Plenty of good help online re putting it together.

Help online might help write the damned thing but won't help to get it read... Good luck fella, you'll need it.

[Bruce Rioja]

Happy that my brother has decided to get married May 2015.....getting asked to be best man, having to sort out a speech.....shitting it.....

You'll be reet, lad. Plenty of good help online re putting it together.

Help online might help write the damned thing but won't help to get it read... Good luck fella, you'll need it.

A few large port and brandies will though.

[Annoyed Grunt]

Happy that my brother has decided to get married May 2015.....getting asked to be best man, having to sort out a speech.....shitting it.....

You'll be reet, lad. Plenty of good help online re putting it together.

Help online might help write the damned thing but won't help to get it read... Good luck fella, you'll need it.

A few large port and brandies will though.

May give that a go....

[clapton is god]

Couldn't do worse than the Best Man speech I heard a couple of months ago.

He actually included the line, addressed to the groom "Gone are the days of a quick sh@g whenever you want. You'll have to settle for a w@nk now."

There was a sharp intake of breath from the assembled and not a hint of the laughter he was hoping for, but he pressed on regardless with it going downhill from there. And he was stood next to the grooms mother at the time so her face was a picture of horror!

[thebish]

all you have to do is say summat funny and entertaining whilst also being heartfelt and a bit moving, deep and sincere... no pressure, then - piece of piss!!

[Annoyed Grunt]

all you have to do is say summat funny and entertaining whilst also being heartfelt and a bit moving, deep and sincere... no pressure, then - piece of piss!!

I'm fecked then......

[bobo the clown]

Couldn't do worse than the Best Man speech I heard a couple of months ago.

He actually included the line, addressed to the groom "Gone are the days of a quick sh@g whenever you want. You'll have to settle for a w@nk now."

There was a sharp intake of breath from the assembled and not a hint of the laughter he was hoping for, but he pressed on regardless with it going downhill from there. And he was stood next to the grooms mother at the time so her face was a picture of horror!

Oh ... my ... God.

Whatever became him ?


I had the pleasure just once. I was harangued by the bride's mother beforehand. I was made to show her my speech the week before, again, the night before and again on the morning of. She adapted it each time, took huge swathes out. She's have done better to have delivered the fckg thing herself.

I produced a copy of my first one from my pocket & told the room that this one had been the planned one but had been censored. I pulled out the second ... explaining the same. Then the third and (not quite) finally the fourth ... "approved" one. Then, eventually, the one I went on to use, saying "but she never got to this one" ... as the mother attempted to grab it.

She looked a complete ass. My actual speech was quite tame .... the first line of "I would like to say what a sweet, lovely, innocent young lady Margaret is. ...... Believe me ... I would like to say that ... however ....." being about the only risqué thing in it.

[thebish]

unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.....

[Bruce Rioja]

unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.....

..........This is the second time today I've got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

You're alright, Grunto, we'll do it for you.

[Annoyed Grunt]

unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.....

..........This is the second time today I've got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

You're alright, Grunto, we'll do it for you.

That may be the opening line......

[Gary the Enfield]

Never been asked and probably never will now.

Bullet dodged methinks.

Good luck

[Bruce Rioja]

Never been asked and probably never will now.

Bullet dodged methinks.

Good luck

I thought that of myself too, until last October

[bobo the clown]

unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.....

..........This is the second time today I've got off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
You're alright, Grunto, we'll do it for you.

That may be the opening line......

Without hesitation. Great opener.

[bwfcdan94]

Superb, hopefully they will get it.

[Burnden Paddock]

Nothing could probably be worse than my best man's speech. It didn't start well and went rapidly downhill from there. He told me pre-wedding that he had forgotten to pick up his speech before leaving the house. I told him to just do a short speech and have done with it. My thinking was that at least the speeches would be short and that nobody would be bored.

When he came to do it, he simply clammed up, so I told him to just read the cards. This wasn't the real low point. Not just yet anyway. He proceeded to read the cards. The real low point was when I had to tell him to read the cards aloud.

I still can't watch the wedding video. Primarily as we no longer have a video recorder, but also because I cringe like feck whenever I think of, or watch this car crash of a 'speech'!

FFS Grunty, for yours and your brothers sake. Please don't feck it up.

[Worthy4England]

I was at one where the Groom opened his response with...

"I'd like to thank my Dad for coming, and my Mum for catching it"

It went downhill from there...

[thebish]

i have absolutely no idea what my best man said - no recollection at all... i was probably still recovering from the shock of my F-i-L's speech - who I can only assume was thinking he was telling a story of my missus having a big mouth (as in being talkative or maybe even greedy??) - when he related the following tale..

"when she was 5 she stole a banana from a man on the beach and ate it in one go before we could stop her..."

then turned to me and said - so, Phil, now you know she can fit a whole banana in her mouth...

to this day he has no idea why our younger friends laughed quite as much as they did!! (I have never had the heart to tell him!)


i am sure he has forgotten the whole thing as it has never been directly referred too... but I know I can make the missus cross if i find the opportunity to use the phrase "a whole banana" in a conversation when her dad is present.. he remains blissfully ignorant - she kicks me under the table...

[Bruce Rioja]

i have absolutely no idea what my best man said - no recollection at all... i was probably still recovering from the shock of my F-i-L's speech - who I can only assume was thinking he was telling a story of my missus having a big mouth (as in being talkative or maybe even greedy??) - when he related the following tale..

"when she was 5 she stole a banana from a man on the beach and ate it in one go before we could stop her..."

then turned to me and said - so, Phil, now you know she can fit a whole banana in her mouth...

to this day he has no idea why our younger friends laughed quite as much as they did!! (I have never had the heart to tell him!)


i am sure he has forgotten the whole thing as it has never been directly referred too... but I know I can make the missus cross if i find the opportunity to use the phrase "a whole banana" in a conversation when her dad is present.. he remains blissfully ignorant - she kicks me under the table...

[bwfcdan94]

i have absolutely no idea what my best man said - no recollection at all... i was probably still recovering from the shock of my F-i-L's speech - who I can only assume was thinking he was telling a story of my missus having a big mouth (as in being talkative or maybe even greedy??) - when he related the following tale..

"when she was 5 she stole a banana from a man on the beach and ate it in one go before we could stop her..."

then turned to me and said - so, Phil, now you know she can fit a whole banana in her mouth...

to this day he has no idea why our younger friends laughed quite as much as they did!! (I have never had the heart to tell him!)


, the best bit is that he was totally unaware of it.


i am sure he has forgotten the whole thing as it has never been directly referred too... but I know I can make the missus cross if i find the opportunity to use the phrase "a whole banana" in a conversation when her dad is present.. he remains blissfully ignorant - she kicks me under the table...