Facts that you have learnt through your own stupidity

[CrazyHorse]

Hiding on top of the wardrobe in your older sister's bedroom with a view to leaping off and scaring her half to death can go horribly, horribly wrong if she happens to come back with her boyfriend thinking there's no one else in the house......

So did you stay hidden?

I did. I didn't want a tw@tting off him. Or her.

did you film it?

Too right....

[Lofthouse Lower]

When replacing a lightbulb, the best way of finding out whether you need a screw-in or bayonet cap is NOT by sticking your finger up into the fitting

[Lofthouse Lower]

When getting to work early and you go into the warehouse thinking you are the only one in there doesn't necessarily mean you are the only one in there. It's one thing being caught impersonating Andrea Bocelli badly and loudly but it takes the embarrassment to a whole new level when you have to explain why you've put a high vis jacket around an empty cardboard box and have drawn a dog's face onto it.

[Burnden Paddock]

Throughout time man has discovered, and evolved upon the shoulders of stupid people. What fruits and seeds are poisonous, whether you can wrestle a shark, and that sticking your penis in a hoover doesn't really simulate a good romp.

Essentially this is a thread dedicated to forummers own contribution to evolution. An 'I survived' Darwin awards if it were.

So post what you have learnt through your own acts of idiocy, forgetfulness and general will to explore the boundaries of man, nature and the universe.

Here's two of my own:

1) If you leave a banana to rot in a laptop bag, the banana ends up smelling exactly like shit. No musty, mouldy smell. Proper shit that makes you heave.

2) If you hit an older kid over the head with a tennis racket and manage to run and escape by hiding under a deckchair. Said deckchair may provide cover but does not vanquish the nature of sound. Therefore shouting 'I'm not here' when your dad is coming to give you a slap on the arse will not make him think that you aren't there. Quite the opposite in fact.

Your turn

Did you make that exact same post on the F365 forum, or are you just passing it off as your own?

[Harry Genshaw]

Chatting and being over casual while holding jump leads that are already connected to one battery was something I wouldn't do twice.

More painful though was standing up to a bully by telling him to give it his best shot if he fancied his chances

[Bruce Rioja]

Helping the lid off of a tin of corned beef with your left thumb because the key thingy snapped off 4/5 of the way round isn't smart - as my now deformed, hastily re-attached by Stepping Hill A&E, inner left thumb attests.

[Gary the Enfield]

Don't try nicking a big swig of your dad's can of pop before checking it's NOT Castrol GTX.

[TANGODANCER]

Playing Mr washing machine engineer, taking the top off and shoving your hand inside without remembering to switch the power off. Getting thrown halfway across the room was a serious remeinder how lucky I was to have touched instead of grabbed.

[Gary the Enfield]

Never believe your manager when he tells you there are no buried cables beneath the concrete slab you are about to Jackhammer. The hole blown through the bit from nicking the insulation made me realise what a lucky man I am.

[bobo the clown]

Hiding on top of the wardrobe in your older sister's bedroom with a view to leaping off and scaring her half to death can go horribly, horribly wrong if she happens to come back with her boyfriend thinking there's no one else in the house......

So did you stay hidden?

I did. I didn't want a tw@tting off him. Or her.

So you invented dogging then ??

[Prufrock]

Not me, but my Gramps can testify to the dangers of dicking around with a penknife cutting insulation without unplugging the damn thing. Thankfully the only damage was a loud bang and half a penknife. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to resent him for missing Wembley!

[Worthy4England]

Battling your way into a nightclub full of CS gas to assist people out, may gain you a couple of pints to help things along the way, but stings the eyes for ages.

Nicking a pair of handcuffs could lead to a 4 hour chase, in the early hours of the morning, and result in your mum calling you up to tell you to "hand yourself in"

Playing with empty petrol cans and an open fire leads to physical damage

Tying a workmate to a chair and putting them in the elevator leads to disciplinary procedures

Drinking coffee and dunking chocolate hob-nobs at 02:00 in the morning, whilst in the house next door to the one you're supposed to be in, gets you surrounded by large people all wanting to dismember you.

[truewhite15]

Battling your way into a nightclub full of CS gas to assist people out, may gain you a couple of pints to help things along the way, but stings the eyes for ages.

Nicking a pair of handcuffs could lead to a 4 hour chase, in the early hours of the morning, and result in your mum calling you up to tell you to "hand yourself in"

Playing with empty petrol cans and an open fire leads to physical damage

Tying a workmate to a chair and putting them in the elevator leads to disciplinary procedures

Drinking coffee and dunking chocolate hob-nobs at 02:00 in the morning, whilst in the house next door to the one you're supposed to be in, gets you surrounded by large people all wanting to dismember you.

[Verbal]

If drunk and for some have the overwhelming urge to brush you teeth, always check it isn't hair removal cream first.

[Lofthouse Lower]

Throughout time man has discovered, and evolved upon the shoulders of stupid people. What fruits and seeds are poisonous, whether you can wrestle a shark, and that sticking your penis in a hoover doesn't really simulate a good romp.

Essentially this is a thread dedicated to forummers own contribution to evolution. An 'I survived' Darwin awards if it were.

So post what you have learnt through your own acts of idiocy, forgetfulness and general will to explore the boundaries of man, nature and the universe.

Here's two of my own:

1) If you leave a banana to rot in a laptop bag, the banana ends up smelling exactly like shit. No musty, mouldy smell. Proper shit that makes you heave.

2) If you hit an older kid over the head with a tennis racket and manage to run and escape by hiding under a deckchair. Said deckchair may provide cover but does not vanquish the nature of sound. Therefore shouting 'I'm not here' when your dad is coming to give you a slap on the arse will not make him think that you aren't there. Quite the opposite in fact.

Your turn

Did you make that exact same post on the F365 forum, or are you just passing it off as your own?

Both

[Il Pirate]

When taping brake cables under the handlebars of your bike with the handlebar tape; always make sure you've left enough slack on the cable to turn the wheel before going for a ride

[Gary the Enfield]

Don't fall asleep (whilst drunk) in front of a roaring gas fire, as it may cause you to strip to your Bill Grundys and blister your back.

[Gary the Enfield]

Don't go Hedge-Diving in unfamiliar parks in the dark (whilst drunk). You never know when there may be a ten foot drop on the other side.

[Little Green Man]

If you set off on your bike with a seventies-style canvas rucksack, make sure the drawstring of said rucksack doesn't dangle down as far as the back wheel.

[Bijou Bob]

Never try to iron a shirt for work at 5am whilst naked and with the ironing board set below waist height.