Joke thread

[TANGODANCER]

Some Alan Ball ones... they don't take long, do they?



Apparently David Beckham is to read the eulogy at the former England International’s funeral.

Well, he is a dead ball specialist after all.

------

Alan Ball died yesterday after trying to rescue the fire that started at his compost heap outside his home.


A Man City spokesman issued a statement: "Not that surprising really, given that he couldn't manage this pile of shite either."

------

Oh, and Andy Johnson’s been told that he can’t attend Alan Ball’s memorial service at Goodison in case he dives in the box.

Sick. Show a bit of respect.

[boltonboris]

Some Alan Ball ones... they don't take long, do they?



Apparently David Beckham is to read the eulogy at the former England International’s funeral.

Well, he is a dead ball specialist after all.

------

Alan Ball died yesterday after trying to rescue the fire that started at his compost heap outside his home.


A Man City spokesman issued a statement: "Not that surprising really, given that he couldn't manage this pile of shite either."

------

Oh, and Andy Johnson’s been told that he can’t attend Alan Ball’s memorial service at Goodison in case he dives in the box.

Sick. Show a bit of respect.

Can't see him posting that if Alan Ball was a scouser

[communistworkethic]

Aye, what respect they the other half of the city showed last night

[a1]

Aye, what respect they the other half of the city showed last night

i suspect there's a word missing there, it might be 'showed' , but i missed the game -so ..

are you implying they werent quiet during a minutes silence ? with irony or whatever ..

or were they silent and you are saying they did well ..

i suspect the first one .. but the missed out word makes it hard to tell ..

still , a poor show (if its the way round i think you meant it to mean)

[communistworkethic]

Aye, what respect they the other half of the city showed last night

i suspect there's a word missing there, it might be 'showed' , but i missed the game -so ..

are you implying they werent quiet during a minutes silence ? with irony or whatever ..

or were they silent and you are saying they did well ..

i suspect the first one .. but the missed out word makes it hard to tell ..

still , a poor show (if its the way round i think you meant it to mean)

there's 2 commas missing actually....

Aye, what respect they, the other half of the city, showed last night.

Liverpool fans were less than silent during the minutes silnce for alan ball. can you imagine the furore had it been a former liverpool player's rememberance?

[enfieldwhite]

Aye, what respect they the other half of the city showed last night

i suspect there's a word missing there, it might be 'showed' , but i missed the game -so ..

are you implying they werent quiet during a minutes silence ? with irony or whatever ..

or were they silent and you are saying they did well ..

i suspect the first one .. but the missed out word makes it hard to tell ..

still , a poor show (if its the way round i think you meant it to mean)

there's 2 commas missing actually....

Aye, what respect they, the other half of the city, showed last night.

Liverpool fans were less than silent during the minutes silnce for alan ball. can you imagine the furore had it been a former liverpool player's rememberance?

I was listening on the radio. All I heard was a minute's applause (which I understand will be the edict for Saturdays games)

[Montreal Wanderer]

Aye, what respect they the other half of the city showed last night

i suspect there's a word missing there, it might be 'showed' , but i missed the game -so ..

are you implying they werent quiet during a minutes silence ? with irony or whatever ..

or were they silent and you are saying they did well ..

i suspect the first one .. but the missed out word makes it hard to tell ..

still , a poor show (if its the way round i think you meant it to mean)

there's 2 commas missing actually....

Aye, what respect they, the other half of the city, showed last night.

Liverpool fans were less than silent during the minutes silnce for alan ball. can you imagine the furore had it been a former liverpool player's rememberance?

I was listening on the radio. All I heard was a minute's applause (which I understand will be the edict for Saturdays games)

That is so - according to the BBC - first I ever heard of a minute's applause but it is not a bad notion.

[blurred]

there's 2 commas missing actually....

And an understanding of what actually went on in the ground, it appears. Easier just to blindly slag scousers instead, seeing as it's a favoured sport of yours

[communistworkethic]

yes applause I meant.

minutes applause is now becoming more commonplace, it stemmed (IIRC) from the Matt Busby minute silence when there was this antipathy from Leeds fans because there hadn't been one for Don Revie. So to mask the booing they idea of applause was instigated.

Anyway in response to enfield - those mics didn't pick up some of the detraction from scousers, booing then in to the Matthew Harding stuff. Have been speaking to chelsea fan today who was there.

[blurred]

That is so - according to the BBC - first I ever heard of a minute's applause but it is not a bad notion.

Been used a couple of times over here, Monty, although the silence is still the preferred method of remembrance.

Probably best that they have opted for that because Everton are playing host to United on Saturday, and I can't see the lovely chaps from down the East Lancs being particularly respectful of a former Everton player and former Man City manager.

[communistworkethic]

there's 2 commas missing actually....

And an understanding of what actually went on in the ground, it appears. Easier just to blindly slag scousers instead, seeing as it's a favoured sport of yours

or listen to those actually at the ground. Were you?

Or too busy banging the drum for the latest "scouser victims of miscarriage of justice" cause?

[mummywhycantieatcrayons]

That is so - according to the BBC - first I ever heard of a minute's applause but it is not a bad notion.

Been used a couple of times over here, Monty, although the silence is still the preferred method of remembrance.

I thought I had seen somewhere that Blurred had written at length on this subject once upon a time, and I just found this in our behind-the-scenes archives, from Dec 2005. It's really rather good, so it must have been a cock-up on our part that meant it never made the front page...

A Death for ‘the minute’s silence’?

Recently we saw the death of someone widely regarded to have been one of the most naturally gifted footballers the world has ever seen. Along with the platitudes, epitaphs and eulogies uttered by the media and anyone who ever played with or against George Best, one of the sure-fire certainties in the news reports were the words ‘the football world is in mourning’. Now when it comes to football, and those who follow it, I like to think that we harbour a great sense of community and identity. Football can transcend the national conscience and also reflect a nation’s feelings. At times of great sorrow or sadness, the country can unite, and those who attend the nation’s sporting stadia bow their heads for 60 seconds in silent recognition of tragedy and death.

We’ve had a minute’s silence in recent history for the tragic murders of Soham schoolgirls Holly and Jessica, the executed British hostage Ken Bigley, and the terrorist attacks on the Twin Towers. Are we supposed to equate these events to one another? Is the loss of one innocent life in any way equal to that of over 2000 in New York? Is the murder of two young girls the same as the death of a footballing ‘great’ from (arguably self-induced) multiple organ failure? One of my many questions regarding the use of this mark of respect is who decides what or who is worthy of our reverence? Tragic incidents occur with all too startling a regularity it appears, but is it a case of tragedy by media? George Best undoubtedly garnered a great deal of media interest over the course of his illness, his recovery, his battle with the bottle, and his subsequent death; but is his death any more worthy of being marked than any other event? It would be understandable for Manchester United, for whom Best was a great servant, to mark his death as they saw fit, but is it right to expect (or indeed to enforce) a minute’s silence on every game up and down the country?

The farcical situation we faced this weekend was that a match was taking place between the two biggest rivals of Manchester United (Man City and Liverpool) and these sets of supporters were ‘forced’ to observe the minutes silence for a former player of their greatest enemies. Now I’m well aware of the arguments that are made that a silence should be respected no matter who or what it is (and I would count myself in the vast majority of fans who would respect a minute’s silence at any ground and for any cause), but the fact that he played for a rival team notwithstanding (this usually doesn’t affect the football community) this was a man who could be arguably said to have brought about his own death through his own excesses. This was not a man kidnapped working out in Iraq and executed. This was not the murder of innocent children, or a terrorist attack, but ‘merely’ the death of a talented footballer.

Before you all cast me as the heartless Liverpool fan who booed George Best’s silence and desecrated his memory I shall point out that I would condemn any of the Liverpool or Manchester City fans who disrupted the period of respect on Saturday past (or anyone at any other ground for that matter). But my point still remains as to why they should be expected to honour the memory of a man that, either through reasons of footballing rivalry or personal politics to do with his alcoholism, organ abuse or wife-beating (for he was no angel) had no wish to honour his life or death?

I’ve always thought that grief is a private thing, and how each person chooses to grieve is a matter of personal choice (and usually governed by the family of the deceased). There are people, and I’ve friends from Belfast and the surrounding area, who were and still are very upset by the death of George Best. A friend of mine met him several times and went to his funeral. He chose to grieve in his own way. Personally, while I don’t wish ill on anyone, I can’t say that the life and death of George Best has had any real effect on me, and certainly hasn’t stunned me to silence. Older supporters, and definitely those of Man United will obviously feel a much closer bond with him, as we all do with the heroes we watch on the pitch week in week out.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that in the football world there are players and managers and people and personalities that all mean varying amounts to various people. Bestie will mean a lot to those fans of the teams he represented, those people of his home city and his home country. I would contend that outside of these groups you will find the level of ‘grief’ vastly diminished, especially for the average match-going fan today who wasn’t alive during his pomp.

From here I can see two possible solutions, one looking to (ironically) Manchester City, and the other further abroad, and the tactic adopted at Upton Park. Firstly I was chatting to a friend of mine after his Sunday League game the other weekend (and the events at the City of Manchester Stadium the previous day) and he told me that Man City hold a day, every year, that is set aside for remembering their former legends, their own sort of ‘Remembrance Sunday’ if you will. Even if an ex-player or manager dies during the year they, apparently, remember them all on this one day with various tributes and a minute’s silence for all of them.

Secondly there is an idea ported across from Italy, and one that I first witnessed back in 2001 when Liverpool played Roma in the Stadio Olimpico. In the few days before the match one of the Roma youth/reserve team players had died at a very young age and in tragic circumstances. We were aware that a minute’s remembrance would be held in his honour (either in the programme or over the tannoy or both, my memory is a little hazy) and so proceeded to bow our heads, when a burst of applause erupted around us. For one whole minute the stadium stood and applauded, applauded the memory of their departed player.

This method actually has one benefit over the minute’s silence – that it can’t be easily ruined by the actions of the minority (such as at Leeds v Millwall this weekend, which forced the clubs into making a public apology, such was the unrest). I personally prefer the ‘celebration’ of life, rather than the mourning of death, but that is a matter for another debate. What I can be fairly sure about, though, is that Bestie would have preferred the round of applause from all fans inside the stadium to the sterile and austere silences held everywhere else. I, for one, would think the old bugger would want to be toasted with a pint rather than mourned with sorrow.

Was Boris Johnson right, that we live in a mawkishly sentimental world? Are we just wanting to be seen to be doing the right thing, and proving that we, as a football going lot are humane and have sensibilities that extend beyond the white lines and 90 minutes on the pitch? The motive behind some of the periods of respect at football grounds does leave me to question this some times. Are organised periods of silence, nationwide, the way to go?

Is this the death of the minute’s silence?

[blurred]

It's really rather good, so it must have been a cock-up on our part that meant it never made the front page...

Nah, just another example of the anti-Liverpool conspiracy afoot

[enfieldwhite]

yes applause I meant.

minutes applause is now becoming more commonplace, it stemmed (IIRC) from the Matt Busby minute silence when there was this antipathy from Leeds fans because there hadn't been one for Don Revie. So to mask the booing they idea of applause was instigated.

Anyway in response to enfield - those mics didn't pick up some of the detraction from scousers, booing then in to the Matthew Harding stuff. Have been speaking to chelsea fan today who was there.

Which explains the comment from Alan Green that he was hearing some 'unnecessary comments on his headphones' It confsed me at the time.

My twopennorth?

Applause for the celebration of the passing of a hero's life.

Silence in respect of needless suffering.

[Dr.Karl]

Nice piece Blurred, I think the whole minute's silence at football games is a farce on most occassions. Espeically in the case of George Best, who as a person I had no respect for but was forced to observe the minute's silence at Fulham. Leave the grieving to the friends and families, to those that knew the person, what's the point of 30000 plus people wondering what they're having for their tea, or what formation their team is going to play, just doesn't make sense.

[Salford Trotter]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled
ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WAbutton. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puffcompleted its pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."

[Salford Trotter]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she Eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband or boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets
get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelery department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennisbracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the check out".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with shock
"WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Bwfc in the bloodline]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she Eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband or boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets
get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelery department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennisbracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the check out".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with shock
"WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Well did you??? Never take no for an answer, women want sex as much as men they just dont like letting on. Try this when she's playing hard. try turn her on start the process of beginning sex with plenty of foreplay, if she refuses neutralise the situation by turning the light back on and act uninterested. then try again after 5/10 minutes. repeat this a number of times and she wont be able to say no!!

[mummywhycantieatcrayons]

Well did you??? Never take no for an answer, women want sex as much as men they just dont like letting on. Try this when she's playing hard. try turn her on start the process of beginning sex with plenty of foreplay, if she refuses neutralise the situation by turning the light back on and act uninterested. then try again after 5/10 minutes. repeat this a number of times and she wont be able to say no!!

[communistworkethic]

mmm bwfc in the bloodline sounds like a real expert with the ladies, i'm sure that's an infallible plan.....