Joke thread

David Lee's Hair · Post by **David Lee's Hair** » Thu May 08, 2008 8:47 am

A jounalist asked a neighbour of the Frittzles how long he had know their daughter Alice, to which he replied....

"Alice, Alice, Who the f*%k is Alice? You mean for 24 years, I've been living next door to Alice"

I realise she was not called Alice before someone points it out but then the joke just doesn't work

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Thu May 08, 2008 10:12 am

David Lee's Hair wrote:A jounalist asked a neighbour of the Frittzles how long he had know their daughter Alice, to which he replied....

"Alice, Alice, Who the f*%k is Alice? You mean for 24 years, I've been living next door to Alice"

I realise she was not called Alice before someone points it out but then the joke just doesn't work

but she wasn't called Alice...

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Fri May 09, 2008 12:05 pm

apparantly the Fritzl familly survived all these years on just toast and sandwiches, it's a good job they were all interbred!

David Lee's Hair · Post by **David Lee's Hair** » Fri May 16, 2008 12:40 pm

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Fri May 16, 2008 12:46 pm

That actually made me laugh. Good effort.

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Fri May 16, 2008 1:22 pm

I thought that it'd be a Prosciutto bush by now. Such is the age of that joke.

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Fri May 16, 2008 1:26 pm

Bruce Rioja wrote:I thought that it'd be a Prosciutto bush by now. Such is the age of that joke.

Must have been before I was born Bruce.

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Sat May 17, 2008 11:45 pm

Manchester fertility clinics fear a shortage of sperm donors as 40,000 of their regular w*nkers head for Moscow next week.

Lord Kangana · Post by **Lord Kangana** » Sat May 17, 2008 11:56 pm

Verbal wrote:Manchester fertility clinics fear a shortage of sperm donors as 40,000 of their regular w*nkers head for Moscow next week.

There'll never be a shortage of w*nkers in Manchester.

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Sun May 18, 2008 12:10 pm

Lord Kangana wrote:
Verbal wrote:Manchester fertility clinics fear a shortage of sperm donors as 40,000 of their regular w*nkers head for Moscow next week.
There'll never be a shortage of w*nkers in Manchester.

Strangely enough according to some txt's I got, Glasgow seemed to suffer the same fate last week.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Sun May 18, 2008 12:15 pm

Verbal wrote:Manchester fertility clinics fear a shortage of sperm donors as 40,000 of their regular w*nkers head for Moscow next week.

Surely this should be Home Counties fertility clinics

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Thu May 22, 2008 11:36 am

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There
is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

Dujon · Post by **Dujon** » Fri May 23, 2008 1:39 am

*Groan* I must be a bit slow today, Bruce, it took a full fifteen seconds for the penny to drop.

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Fri May 23, 2008 5:08 pm

Don't shag a dwarf with downs syndrome.

It's not big, and it's not clever.

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri May 23, 2008 8:04 pm

Woman goes into hospital for a fanny tuck. She wakes up to fimd three bunches of flowers on her bed.

The first is from the surgeon congaratulating her on a successful op.

The second is from her husband saying how much he loves her.

The third is from Fred in the Burns Unit, thanking her profusely for his new ears.

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Fri May 23, 2008 9:32 pm

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a
"To Hell with Bush" t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and
thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other
two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear
and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental
activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have
access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the
way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and
get another one?"

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Tue May 27, 2008 10:12 am

The Chinese government are looking at the positives after the recent devastating earthquakes. One official said "It's a great shame about the casualties, however with the paralympics coming up this summer, this should significantly strengthen the squad"

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Tue May 27, 2008 10:24 am

jimbo wrote:The Chinese government are looking at the positives after the recent devastating earthquakes. One official said "It's a great shame about the casualties, however with the paralympics coming up this summer, this should significantly strengthen the squad"

They have Sammy Lee managing their paralympics team?

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Sun Jun 15, 2008 9:04 pm

Bloke pays a hitman to see his wife off.

Hitman: "One shot under the left breast and she's gone."

Husband: "I want her dead, not fxxking knee-capped"

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:43 pm

In a survey on whether immigration was becoming a real problem in Britain, the public replied as follows:

20% said Yes,

10% said No,

70% said....$erx*vtean#&! vorkan daz8$?

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