Joke thread

[clapton is god]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

One of my all-time favourite jokes but, just on a point of order, that first bit originally took place in the bird house and it was a finch he killed.

[Raven]

Mine too but always with the fish not the finch

[seanworth]

Brilliant. I do love bad puns.

[Montreal Wanderer]

Brilliant. I do love bad puns.

Unfortunately, I believe this joke would fall flat as a diving Diouf over here (mushy peas not being a staple).

[seanworth]

Very true. Might get a chuckle in Victoria but that's about it.

[Montreal Wanderer]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling with everything outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl to 1603 Mockingbird Lane .

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. '

[seanworth]

[TANGODANCER]

Now that did make me laugh Monty.

Also reminded me of a true life incident I saw in Liverpool years ago: I worked for a container firm and was just checking around before locking up for the day when I heard noises from behind a row of containers. Went to investgate, and I've never forgotten to this day the sight of an old purple-nosed beer-soak grunting away at some equally as old woman with her skirt hauled up over her Nora Batty stockings, and a bag of shopping in each hand. Romeo and Juliet it wasn't.

[William the White]

Now that did make me laugh Monty.

Also reminded me of a true life incident I saw in Liverpool years ago: I worked for a container firm and was just checking around before locking up for the day when I heard noises from behind a row of containers. Went to investgate, and I've never forgotten to this day the sight of an old purple-nosed beer-soak grunting away at some equally as old woman with her skirt hauled up over her Nora Batty stockings, and a bag of shopping in each hand. Romeo and Juliet it wasn't.

Bristol Old Vic recently did a production of Romeo and Juliet set in an old folks home. It was, supposedly, riveting...

[boltonboris]

Sounds it.....

[InsaneApache]

I got on the bus the other day, and sat down opposite a gorgeous Thai girl. I kept thinking "don't get an erection, don't get an erection" - but she did!

[boltonboris]

I got on the bus the other day, and sat down opposite a gorgeous Thai girl. I kept thinking "don't get an erection, don't get an erection" - but she did!

Was she running for presidency?

[William the White]

Sounds it.....

Unlikely, I know, but...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/thea ... eview.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

One of a number of excellent reviews...

[thebish]

here's the plan of my desk..

[Wandering Willy]

If you moved yesterday's gin glass and coffee mug, you could put your feet up.

[Bijou Bob]

I went to a funeral this morning. While standing around I saw 4 blokes walk past with a coffin. Came out of the funeral and saw the same 4 blokes carryin the same coffin along the same road an hour later. I said to myself "They've lost the fookin plot"!

[Il Pirate]

I went to a funeral this morning. While standing around I saw 4 blokes walk past with a coffin. Came out of the funeral and saw the same 4 blokes carryin the same coffin along the same road an hour later. I said to myself "They've lost the fookin plot"!

[clapton is god]

The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals -

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.
Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, just wouldn't hear of it and thought they smelled a rat.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter.
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

[Prufrock]

Pathology is diseases, not death.

[Montreal Wanderer]

Pathology is diseases, not death.

Yes, better make it forensic pathologist.