Joke thread

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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:45 pm

I'm glad somebody gave me a clue as to what that joke was about. :|
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Re: Joke thread

Post by mrkint » Thu Dec 19, 2013 1:36 pm

I've been invited to present a speech at a fence-making conference

I'm going to talk before a panel.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by CrazyHorse » Thu Dec 19, 2013 9:20 pm

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher
looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your
hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a
Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all
of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Worthy4England » Thu Dec 19, 2013 9:27 pm

:-)

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Re: Joke thread

Post by General Mannerheim » Fri Dec 20, 2013 9:31 am

Theres a nudist convention on in town next week.
I might pop along if ive got nothing on...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:35 pm

Don't know why but I remembered one of my favourite jokes. It's Irish, but that's how it was told:

Guy comes staggering out of the local and sets off home taking a short cut through a graveyard. It's been raining, he's well oiled, slips and dives headfirst down a newly dug grave. After a few attempts to climb out he gives up and settles down in a corner to wait for daylight. Not long after another reveller takes the same route and repeats the trick, diving in the same grave. Tries to climb out and is doing a bit of swearing when the first guy taps him on the shoulder and set...."Give it up mate, you'll not climb out of here"....

He did...
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Prufrock » Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:51 pm

No Wind or Rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Tue Dec 31, 2013 11:55 am

when font-reflections go bad!

Image

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Tue Dec 31, 2013 12:01 pm

page layout fail....

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Wandering Willy » Tue Dec 31, 2013 3:58 pm

:lol:
They're dirty, they're filthy, they're never gonna last.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by bobo the clown » Tue Dec 31, 2013 8:48 pm

What's the World coming to .... it's over 350 days till Christmas and my neighbours have their decorations up !!
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Wed Jan 01, 2014 8:33 pm

Image
...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by jaffka » Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:13 am

Group of guys are playing golf.

Three tee off and the fourth is teeing up his ball, does a practice swing, and right as he is in his backswing, he stops, and gives attention to a funeral service driving by.

His friends tell him how thoughtful and respectful that gesture was.

His response, "We were married 40 years".

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Il Pirate » Wed Jan 08, 2014 3:28 pm

jaffka wrote:Group of guys are playing golf.

Three tee off and the fourth is teeing up his ball, does a practice swing, and right as he is in his backswing, he stops, and gives attention to a funeral service driving by.

His friends tell him how thoughtful and respectful that gesture was.

His response, "We were married 40 years".




Ddddddddddddddrummmmmm...............tisch........

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Lost Leopard Spot » Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:32 am

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr Wenger, Mr Mourinho, Mr Rodgers, Mr Moyes and Mr Martinez…..



The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others.

The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.

The third round was on Wenger, he bought everbody a glass of red wine.

The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint for everyone except Moyes.



Mr Moyes said: Where’s my pint?

Mr Rodgers looked at him and replied: This is the fourth round, you’re not in it.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by davroduk » Sun Jan 12, 2014 7:45 pm

I walked in on my daughter sobbing uncontrolably because her beloved rabbit had died.

Dont know why.............

All she had to do was put new battries in. :shock:
TALKING BALLS AS ALWAYS

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Sun Jan 12, 2014 10:23 pm

"A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were a lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Dujon » Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:37 am

:whack:

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:01 pm

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

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Re: Joke thread

Post by jaffka » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:57 pm

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

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