Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
- Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12944
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Re: Joke thread
Not a joke actually.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
-
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1469
- Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:05 pm
Re: Joke thread
The surgeon messed up my animal to human limb transplant.
If I see him, I swear I'll kill him with my bear hands.
If I see him, I swear I'll kill him with my bear hands.
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
Re: Joke thread
The first rule of palindrome club is si bulc emordnilap fo elur tsrif eht...
Re: Joke thread
My mate David lost his ID the other night, now we just call him Dav.
-
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1469
- Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:05 pm
Re: Joke thread
I went to the cemetery today and saw 6 blokes walking around with a coffin.
They were still walking around when I left.
I thought, these lot have lost the bloody plot...
They were still walking around when I left.
I thought, these lot have lost the bloody plot...
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
Re: Joke thread
Andy Waller wrote:I went to the cemetery today and saw 6 blokes walking around with a coffin.
They were still walking around when I left.
I thought, these lot have lost the bloody plot...
...
-
- Legend
- Posts: 6343
- Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:45 pm
Re: Joke thread
told the wife i was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. she said i was a fkin idiot and told me not to be so stupid
should've seen her face when i drove pasta
should've seen her face when i drove pasta
Re: Joke thread
An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fecking church."
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fecking church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fecking lottery and I want to join this fecking church to get rid of some of this fecking money."
"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this c**t giving you a hard time?"
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fecking church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fecking lottery and I want to join this fecking church to get rid of some of this fecking money."
"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this c**t giving you a hard time?"
...
- Bruce Rioja
- Immortal
- Posts: 38742
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 9:19 pm
- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
Re: Joke thread
That actually made me laugh. Congratulations.General Mannerheim wrote:told the wife i was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. she said i was a fkin idiot and told me not to be so stupid
should've seen her face when i drove pasta
May the bridges I burn light your way
-
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1469
- Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:05 pm
Re: Joke thread
I'd ordered my meal at the Chinese and was just sitting back to relax, when over waddles this mallard with a red rose under one wing, a box of chocolates under the other and accompanied by a violinist.
I shouted to the waiter "Oi! I said I wanted AROMATIC duck..."
I shouted to the waiter "Oi! I said I wanted AROMATIC duck..."
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
-
- Passionate
- Posts: 2376
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:55 pm
- Location: Worryingly close to Old Tr*fford.
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
A heavily pregnant woman calls her husband for help.
"My waters have broke," she said.
"Where are you ringing from?" he asks.
"From my knees to my ankles."
"My waters have broke," she said.
"Where are you ringing from?" he asks.
"From my knees to my ankles."
-
- Passionate
- Posts: 3736
- Joined: Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:14 pm
- Location: Bury
Re: Joke thread
Just bought my kids a colonoscopy test for christmas.
Cant wait to see their little faeces.
Cant wait to see their little faeces.
-
- Immortal
- Posts: 14171
- Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2005 4:27 pm
Re: Joke thread
I've noticed that my wife has put on a bit of weight recently.
To be fair to her, she's had a a lot on her plate
To be fair to her, she's had a a lot on her plate
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
-
- Immortal
- Posts: 14171
- Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2005 4:27 pm
Re: Joke thread
I asked my gym instructor which machine I was best using to make myself more attractive to women
He said "a cash machine, you fat bastard"
He said "a cash machine, you fat bastard"
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
- Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12944
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Re: Joke thread
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks
at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask
you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in
hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him
a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have
been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and
a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers
her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask
you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in
hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him
a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have
been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and
a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers
her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
-
- Passionate
- Posts: 2376
- Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:55 pm
- Location: Worryingly close to Old Tr*fford.
- Contact:
Re: Joke thread
Just changed my password to BEEFSTEW. Rejected as it wasn't Stroganoff.
- TANGODANCER
- Immortal
- Posts: 43601
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
Re: Joke thread
Hamilton doing the breast stroke. Lou Swimmin.....
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
-
- Hopeful
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 1:09 pm
Re: Joke thread
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot] and 37 guests