Joke thread
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Re: Joke thread
I see the MD of Dulux Paint has died whilst on an arctic trek. Medics said he could've done with another coat.
- Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
clapton is god wrote:I see the MD of Dulux Paint has died whilst on an arctic trek. Medics said he could've done with another coat.
![Funny :lol:](./images/smilies/laughing.gif)
![Funny :lol:](./images/smilies/laughing.gif)
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Re: Joke thread
At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!!"
Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving what are you really up to"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife, right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!!"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread
Lazily C+P'd from a work email, so apologies if some already posted in the previous 180 odd pages.
A friend of mine has recently formed an Elbow tribute band. They've named themselves Ars* and I honestly can't tell the difference.
Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my pen!s in a surfing accident.
Dr: Did you fall off your board?
Me: No. I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in.
Some people call it anal bleaching, but I prefer to call it changing my ring tone.
A friend of mine has recently formed an Elbow tribute band. They've named themselves Ars* and I honestly can't tell the difference.
Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my pen!s in a surfing accident.
Dr: Did you fall off your board?
Me: No. I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in.
Some people call it anal bleaching, but I prefer to call it changing my ring tone.
Re: Joke thread
Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my pen!s in a surfing accident.
Dr: Did you fall off your board?
Me: No. I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in.
![Funny :lol:](./images/smilies/laughing.gif)
![Funny :lol:](./images/smilies/laughing.gif)
![Funny :lol:](./images/smilies/laughing.gif)
- TANGODANCER
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Re: Joke thread
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Re: Joke thread
Every day I get knocked down by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
It's a vicious cycle.
Hope is what keeps us going.
- Gary the Enfield
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Re: Joke thread
Just been prescribed an anti-gloating cream.
Can't wait to rub it in.
Can't wait to rub it in.
- Montreal Wanderer
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Re: Joke thread
How I Nearly Became A Doctor
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam
to go to Medical School .
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of
an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes by email.
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam
to go to Medical School .
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of
an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes by email.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread
Old but good Jerry Lewis joke:
"I went to see my psychiatrist and he said I had a split personality. He gave me a bill for 82$. I gave him 41$ and told him to get the rest off the other guy...
"I went to see my psychiatrist and he said I had a split personality. He gave me a bill for 82$. I gave him 41$ and told him to get the rest off the other guy...
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Ok, so you want old ones...
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.”
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.”
That's not a leopard!
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Re: Joke thread
I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"
He said, "That's Madeira cake"
He said, "That's Madeira cake"
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
... badum, tish
... badum, tish
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- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. I couldn't find any...
That's not a leopard!
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Re: Joke thread
I might end up sorry I resurrected this thread... ![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
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- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
The UN has released a report stating that research shows that social media usage will eliminate world literacy within a generation.
What can I say? except...![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_sad.gif)
What can I say? except...
![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_sad.gif)
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Re: Joke thread
Positively fresh (shamelessly stolen) material^
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
- Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Got it straight off an email from a friend...
![Confused :conf:](./images/smilies/confused.gif)
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Re: Joke thread
I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"
He said, "That's Madeira cake"
(Source: my mate, the internet 2017)
He said, "That's Madeira cake"
(Source: my mate, the internet 2017)
...
- Montreal Wanderer
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Re: Joke thread
My source was Bolton Boris a couple of jokes up....
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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