Joke thread

[jaffka]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[jaffka]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says "I'm Jesus Christ."

The first priest says "no son you're not."

The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

[clapton is god]

A Policeman pulled me over and asked: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I answered, "Is it because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, Sir," he said.

I said, "See? I told you!"

[Worthy4England]

Oh dear Clappers...

[Andy Waller]

There's a psychic dwarf escaped from Strangeways.

Police are searching for a small medium, at large.

[Prufrock]

A man walks into a posh bakery.

"I'll have one of those gattocks please," he says.

"It's pronounced gateaux and it's £25," the assistant responds.

"£25 for a cake? Bolleaux to that!"

[thebish]

A man walks into a posh bakery.

"I'll have one of those gattocks please," he says.

"It's pronounced gateaux and it's £25," the assistant responds.

"£25 for a cake? Bolleaux to that!"

[General Mannerheim]

thats the first copy and paste ive done in a while

[Bruce Rioja]

I doubt that Prufrock was even born when I first heard that!

[General Mannerheim]

FELLA GOES THE DRS AND SAYS "MY COCK IS SHAPED LIKE A SPACE ROCKET!"
DR: "REALLY, WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE MAKE OF IT?"

"SHE'S OVER THE MOON!!!"

[Montreal Wanderer]

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.

[Prufrock]

I've been merciless with my French class.

But I get no thanks.

[Montreal Wanderer]

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

[Andy Waller]

A skeleton walks into a bar:

Barman: What Can I get you?

Skeleton: A pint of bitter please...

Barman: Anything else?

Skeleton: Yeah, I'd better have a mop as well...

[Montreal Wanderer]

[CrazyHorse]

A crusty old Regimental Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"It was 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch and replied, "I sure hope not ma'am; it's only 2130 now."

[KeyserSoze]

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

[Montreal Wanderer]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway car next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father..I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[clapton is god]

Seems like a good time to recycle an old joke:

Kenny Dalglish finds a huge turd in the shower room at Anfield. He goes into the dressing room and asks "Who's shit on the floor?"

Emile (Ivanhoe) Heskey puts his hand up and says "Me boss, but I'm quite good in the air."

[thebish]