Joke thread

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Andy Waller
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Andy Waller » Wed Aug 17, 2016 3:00 pm

My wife is going to a fancy dress party as Bob Marley and has asked me to do her hair.

I'm dreading it...
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Bruce Rioja » Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:32 am

Err, seriously? :conf:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
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Re: Joke thread

Post by boltonboris » Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:39 am

I saw a quote from somebody who's a regualar fixture there (unsuprisngly, I've never heard of him)

He said something along the lines of, "if the audience are laughing, we're doing it wrong"

What a snobbish, twattish comment
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Re: Joke thread

Post by bobo the clown » Tue Aug 23, 2016 11:07 am

I liked this one though.

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan



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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Tue Aug 23, 2016 11:42 am

boltonboris wrote:I saw a quote from somebody who's a regualar fixture there (unsuprisngly, I've never heard of him)

He said something along the lines of, "if the audience are laughing, we're doing it wrong"

What a snobbish, twattish comment
I find there's a lot of that with comedy. Too much about being clever rather than funny. feck that nameless wanker!
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Harry Genshaw » Tue Aug 23, 2016 12:40 pm

Bruce Rioja wrote:Err, seriously? :conf:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
After a few beers and with good delivery I can see a case for most of them. I actually lol'ed at the Liverpool quiz one
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Re: Joke thread

Post by CrazyHorse » Tue Aug 23, 2016 12:56 pm

The American/Canadian one by Gary Delaney is a good un too.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Tue Aug 23, 2016 3:32 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:The American/Canadian one by Gary Delaney is a good un too.
:evil:
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Re: Joke thread

Post by CrazyHorse » Tue Aug 23, 2016 5:15 pm

I saw it and thought of you. :mrgreen:
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Andy Waller » Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:22 pm

What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?

HAND EEEYYYYEEEEEEE!!!
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Re: Joke thread

Post by dave the minion » Fri Sep 02, 2016 12:38 pm

Try these, from a guy we met on holiday....

(all 3 to be said in comically strong accents to get the best effect)

What do you call some cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho cheese (Mexican accent)

What do Mexican's put beneath their carpets?
- Underlay, underlay (Mexican accent)

I went to Jamaica once and saw someone with a can of red stripe in between 2 slices of bread
- it was a bacon ("beer-can") sandwich (Jamaican accent)


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Re: Joke thread

Post by Enoch » Tue Sep 06, 2016 10:52 am

I secretly swapped all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge yesterday.

Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Tue Sep 06, 2016 11:22 am

Two eels in a tank in the aquarium, one making advances towards the other. Kid points at one and says "Is that an electric eel going to fight the other one dad?"

Father say, no son, that a Moray..... :|
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Enoch » Tue Sep 06, 2016 12:55 pm

:)

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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:01 pm

Enoch wrote::)
I made that one up, but promise not to do it again... :lol:
The wisest and the best of men, nay, the wisest and best of their actions, may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke...Darcy. Pride and Prejudice.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by boltonboris » Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:06 pm

Enoch wrote:I secretly swapped all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge yesterday.

Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
Yes!!!
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Harry Genshaw » Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:25 pm

Enoch wrote:I secretly swapped all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge yesterday.

Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
:lol: bravo sir!
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Dujon » Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:29 am

TANGODANCER wrote:I made that one up, but promise not to do it again... :lol:
I liked it, TANGO. :smile:

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Enoch » Wed Sep 07, 2016 9:45 am

Saw a grammar Nazi being beaten up and when I went over to comfort him, all I could think of to say was "There, their, they're."

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Enoch » Thu Sep 08, 2016 1:16 am

Stubbed my toe on our radio this morning, it MHz.

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