Joke thread

If you have a life outside of BWFC, then this is the place to tell us all about your toilet habits, and those bizarre fetishes.......

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:26 pm

Image

Not a joke actually.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
:pray:Image

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Andy Waller » Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:21 am

The surgeon messed up my animal to human limb transplant.

If I see him, I swear I'll kill him with my bear hands.
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by thebish » Wed Sep 14, 2016 6:11 pm

The first rule of palindrome club is si bulc emordnilap fo elur tsrif eht...
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Enoch » Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:02 pm

My mate David lost his ID the other night, now we just call him Dav.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Andy Waller » Wed Oct 19, 2016 7:40 am

I went to the cemetery today and saw 6 blokes walking around with a coffin.

They were still walking around when I left.

I thought, these lot have lost the bloody plot...
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Wed Oct 19, 2016 4:49 pm

Andy Waller wrote:I went to the cemetery today and saw 6 blokes walking around with a coffin.

They were still walking around when I left.

I thought, these lot have lost the bloody plot...
:D
...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by General Mannerheim » Wed Oct 19, 2016 5:16 pm

told the wife i was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. she said i was a fkin idiot and told me not to be so stupid

should've seen her face when i drove pasta

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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Wed Oct 19, 2016 6:14 pm

An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fecking church."
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fecking church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fecking lottery and I want to join this fecking church to get rid of some of this fecking money."
"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this c**t giving you a hard time?"
...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Bruce Rioja » Wed Oct 19, 2016 6:55 pm

General Mannerheim wrote:told the wife i was gonna build a car out of spaghetti. she said i was a fkin idiot and told me not to be so stupid

should've seen her face when i drove pasta
That actually made me laugh. Congratulations. :D
May the bridges I burn light your way

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Re: Joke thread

Post by LeverEnd » Thu Oct 20, 2016 6:36 pm

Well that thawed quickly!

Image
...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Andy Waller » Fri Oct 28, 2016 8:33 am

I'd ordered my meal at the Chinese and was just sitting back to relax, when over waddles this mallard with a red rose under one wing, a box of chocolates under the other and accompanied by a violinist.

I shouted to the waiter "Oi! I said I wanted AROMATIC duck..."
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...

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Re: Joke thread

Post by clapton is god » Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:07 pm

A heavily pregnant woman calls her husband for help.

"My waters have broke," she said.

"Where are you ringing from?" he asks.

"From my knees to my ankles."

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Burnden Paddock » Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:06 pm

Just bought my kids a colonoscopy test for christmas.

Cant wait to see their little faeces.

:oops:

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Worthy4England » Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:15 am

Lol

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Re: Joke thread

Post by boltonboris » Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:44 am

I've noticed that my wife has put on a bit of weight recently.

To be fair to her, she's had a a lot on her plate
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"

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Re: Joke thread

Post by boltonboris » Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:46 am

I asked my gym instructor which machine I was best using to make myself more attractive to women

He said "a cash machine, you fat bastard"
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"

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Re: Joke thread

Post by Montreal Wanderer » Thu Dec 01, 2016 3:17 am

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks
at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask
you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in
hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him
a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have
been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and
a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers
her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
:pray:Image

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Re: Joke thread

Post by clapton is god » Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:08 pm

Just changed my password to BEEFSTEW. Rejected as it wasn't Stroganoff.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by TANGODANCER » Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:31 pm

Hamilton doing the breast stroke. Lou Swimmin.....
The wisest and the best of men, nay, the wisest and best of their actions, may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke...Darcy. Pride and Prejudice.

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Re: Joke thread

Post by beforeiforget » Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:19 am

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

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