Joke thread
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Re: Joke thread
My wife is going to a fancy dress party as Bob Marley and has asked me to do her hair.
I'm dreading it...
I'm dreading it...
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
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Re: Joke thread
Err, seriously?
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
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Re: Joke thread
I saw a quote from somebody who's a regualar fixture there (unsuprisngly, I've never heard of him)
He said something along the lines of, "if the audience are laughing, we're doing it wrong"
What a snobbish, twattish comment
He said something along the lines of, "if the audience are laughing, we're doing it wrong"
What a snobbish, twattish comment
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
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Re: Joke thread
I liked this one though.
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
I've been for 5 days, twice. It is a remarkable event and there's huge variety. But some is dire, it has to be said. R4 has had some review programmes and they've showcased some complete shite
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
I've been for 5 days, twice. It is a remarkable event and there's huge variety. But some is dire, it has to be said. R4 has had some review programmes and they've showcased some complete shite
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
Re: Joke thread
I find there's a lot of that with comedy. Too much about being clever rather than funny. feck that nameless wanker!boltonboris wrote:I saw a quote from somebody who's a regualar fixture there (unsuprisngly, I've never heard of him)
He said something along the lines of, "if the audience are laughing, we're doing it wrong"
What a snobbish, twattish comment
...
- Harry Genshaw
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Re: Joke thread
After a few beers and with good delivery I can see a case for most of them. I actually lol'ed at the Liverpool quiz oneBruce Rioja wrote:Err, seriously?
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
"Get your feet off the furniture you Oxbridge tw*t. You're not on a feckin punt now you know"
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Re: Joke thread
The American/Canadian one by Gary Delaney is a good un too.
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Re: Joke thread
CrazyHorse wrote:The American/Canadian one by Gary Delaney is a good un too.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Re: Joke thread
What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?
HAND EEEYYYYEEEEEEE!!!
HAND EEEYYYYEEEEEEE!!!
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
- dave the minion
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Re: Joke thread
Try these, from a guy we met on holiday....
(all 3 to be said in comically strong accents to get the best effect)
What do you call some cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho cheese (Mexican accent)
What do Mexican's put beneath their carpets?
- Underlay, underlay (Mexican accent)
I went to Jamaica once and saw someone with a can of red stripe in between 2 slices of bread
- it was a bacon ("beer-can") sandwich (Jamaican accent)
....I'm here all night.....
(all 3 to be said in comically strong accents to get the best effect)
What do you call some cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho cheese (Mexican accent)
What do Mexican's put beneath their carpets?
- Underlay, underlay (Mexican accent)
I went to Jamaica once and saw someone with a can of red stripe in between 2 slices of bread
- it was a bacon ("beer-can") sandwich (Jamaican accent)
....I'm here all night.....
Re: Joke thread
I secretly swapped all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge yesterday.
Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
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Re: Joke thread
Two eels in a tank in the aquarium, one making advances towards the other. Kid points at one and says "Is that an electric eel going to fight the other one dad?"
Father say, no son, that a Moray.....
Father say, no son, that a Moray.....
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Re: Joke thread
I made that one up, but promise not to do it again...Enoch wrote:
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Re: Joke thread
Yes!!!Enoch wrote:I secretly swapped all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge yesterday.
Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
"I've got the ball now. It's a bit worn, but I've got it"
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Re: Joke thread
bravo sir!Enoch wrote:I secretly swapped all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge yesterday.
Mrs Enoch didn't find it funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
"Get your feet off the furniture you Oxbridge tw*t. You're not on a feckin punt now you know"
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Re: Joke thread
I liked it, TANGO.TANGODANCER wrote:I made that one up, but promise not to do it again...
Re: Joke thread
Saw a grammar Nazi being beaten up and when I went over to comfort him, all I could think of to say was "There, their, they're."
Re: Joke thread
Stubbed my toe on our radio this morning, it MHz.
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