Joke thread

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Sat Apr 25, 2009 1:19 pm

With my strong Irish connections I'm making no excuses for this:

Three student doing a psychiatry course. First was asked what the opposite was of joy, she replied "sorrow". Second was asked what was the opposite of depression. He offered "Happiness".
Paddy was asked what the opposite was of woe. He replied: "Giddy-up?"

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Tue Apr 28, 2009 10:15 am

Swine flu has broken out in Newcastle.

I felt a bit sniffly this morning, and have come out in a nasty rasher.

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:52 pm

Three surgeons at an international conference.

1st German surgeon. "Do you know we transplanted a liver into a man from Hamburg and six months later he was back at work."

2nd French surgeon. " That's nothing. We transplanted a new heart into a guy from Paris and six weeks later he was back at work"

3rd English surgeon. " Huh, we transplanted an asshole into 10 Downing Street and in six days the whole county's out of work.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Tue Apr 28, 2009 5:13 pm

TANGODANCER wrote:Three surgeons at an international conference.

1st German surgeon. "Do you know we transplanted a liver into a man from Hamburg and six months later he was back at work."

2nd French surgeon. " That's nothing. We transplanted a new heart into a guy from Paris and six weeks later he was back at work"

3rd English surgeon. " Huh, we transplanted an asshole into 10 Downing Street and in six days the whole county's out of work.

Paris? Work? pfft....what was he, a placard manufacturer?

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:47 pm

Ferenc's 'boared' pun on the Swine Flu thread reminded me of HIGNFY from last week, and in my mind, the finest pun ever, from Paul Merton.

The subject was a breed of cow, referred to as the 'Nazi cow', which the Nazi's bred, and which have been re-introduced somewhere. Merton sat for a while, saying, 'the best I can come up with is the Cow-stapo', before.... 'you better watch out for that bull, it's Goering'.

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:51 pm

Prufrock wrote:Ferenc's 'boared' pun on the Swine Flu thread reminded me of HIGNFY from last week, and in my mind, the finest pun ever, from Paul Merton.

The subject was a breed of cow, referred to as the 'Nazi cow', which the Nazi's bred, and which have been re-introduced somewhere. Merton sat for a while, saying, 'the best I can come up with is the Cow-stapo', before.... 'you better watch out for that bull, it's Goering'.

Do the Nazi cows come from the dairy of Anne Frank?

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:52 pm

blurred wrote:
Prufrock wrote:Ferenc's 'boared' pun on the Swine Flu thread reminded me of HIGNFY from last week, and in my mind, the finest pun ever, from Paul Merton.

The subject was a breed of cow, referred to as the 'Nazi cow', which the Nazi's bred, and which have been re-introduced somewhere. Merton sat for a while, saying, 'the best I can come up with is the Cow-stapo', before.... 'you better watch out for that bull, it's Goering'.
Do the Nazi cows come from the dairy of Anne Frank?

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 7:13 pm

How do you make Lady Ga Ga cry? Poker face.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:22 pm

Prufrock wrote:How do you make Lady Ga Ga cry? Poker face.

Ah -the Dujon approach.

Dujon · Post by **Dujon** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:21 am

FOUL!

A straight sending off!

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:24 am

Dujon wrote:FOUL!

A straight sending off!

sorry, ref.

Puskas · Post by **Puskas** » Fri May 01, 2009 10:20 am

Given this Saturday's opposition, it seems only right to ask:

What time is it when there's a meat pie on Wigan town hall clock?
Summat to eight.

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Fri May 01, 2009 7:57 pm

The wife rang me this morning to say that she had run out of petrol but was too scared to fill up because of the Swine Flu.
Told the stupid cow it was Mexico not Texaco.

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Fri May 01, 2009 8:04 pm

Puskas wrote:Given this Saturday's opposition, it seems only right to ask:

What time is it when there's a meat pie on Wigan town hall clock?
Summat to eight.

On a similar note, a Wiganer went to the doctors complaining of a flare up of his haemorrhoids. He was told to buy some cream to put on it from the local shop so off he went. With him not having much of a way with words he went up to the counter and rather bluntly asked 'Erm. 'Ave yer got any arse cream?'.
'Certainly sir, we have Magnum's, Corneto's........................'

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Sun May 03, 2009 5:10 pm

I taught my son how to masturbate yesterday.

I told him that in five years time, when he's 13, he can use his own cock!

senorjoeyo · Post by **senorjoeyo** » Mon May 04, 2009 1:05 am

women are like car parking spaces, sometimes all the good ones are taken
so when nobody's looking you stick it in a disabled one

What goes, CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK..."Have I got it yet?" CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK..."Have I got it yet?" A blind person playing Rubiks Cube.

What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

salford wanderer · Post by **salford wanderer** » Fri May 08, 2009 11:43 pm

woman was helping hubby set up a computer , " u now have to enter a password" hubby feeling randy tries to hint and shock the wife by typing PENIS-

Wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Sat May 09, 2009 2:10 pm

I think i have got swine flu, so i rang the swine flu hot line....

All i could hear is crackling.

bobby5 · Post by **bobby5** » Sat May 09, 2009 6:30 pm

My mother in law died recently and left her body to medical research. The hospital are contesting the will.

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Mon May 11, 2009 6:31 pm

This one's for you Puskas.

A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius.

My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.

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