Joke thread

[thebish]

[thebish]

[Gooner Girl]

Caught hubby sniggering to himself last night whilst we were lying in bed. Slightly paranoid, i asked what he was laughing at and he said an email that had been doing the rounds at work that day. He forwarded it to me this morning...

Honestly! Men!

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....

Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[seanworth]

Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman walk into a bar and ask the barman where the Welshman is. "Still in New Zealand," he replies

[truewhite15]

Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman walk into a bar and ask the barman where the Welshman is. "Still in New Zealand," he replies

TW15 likes this.

[TANGODANCER]

True tale.

Said in a leaving speech by a long serving female P.A at my last firm, who everybody knew was having an affair with current chief Exec.

" I like to think I've worked hard under several directors in my time here"

Cue, couple of titters, then a general outburst of laughter and one very red faced lady.

[Annoyed Grunt]

[CrazyHorse]

Paul McCartney is going to be pretty pissed off when he discovers his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as the last one did.

[CrazyHorse]

What is the definition of "Wicker Box?"


What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

[Annoyed Grunt]

What is the definition of "Wicker Box?"


What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

[thebish]

(not my spelling in the caption!!!)

[thebish]

[TANGODANCER]

TV programmes are causing more laughs than the jokes. Tonight's "The Chaser":

Q. At what sport did Fanny Chmelar represent Germany?"

Bradley Walsh struggled manfully not to erupt, almost choked, then did, closely followed by the contestants and then the audience and that Headmistress Chaser. Took a good couple on minutes for it to get back on track as Walsh couldn't speak for busting a gut. Hilarious.

[Gary the Enfield]

TV programmes are causing more laughs than the jokes. Tonight's "The Chaser":

Q. At what sport did Fanny Chmelar represent Germany?"

Bradley Walsh struggled manfully not to erupt, almost choked, then did, closely followed by the contestants and then the audience and that Headmistress Chaser. Took a good couple on minutes for it to get back on track as Walsh couldn't speak for busting a gut. Hilarious.

Is her surname pronounced 'SHMELLER'? or is that too much to hope?

[TANGODANCER]

TV programmes are causing more laughs than the jokes. Tonight's "The Chaser":

Q. At what sport did Fanny Chmelar represent Germany?"

Bradley Walsh struggled manfully not to erupt, almost choked, then did, closely followed by the contestants and then the audience and that Headmistress Chaser. Took a good couple on minutes for it to get back on track as Walsh couldn't speak for busting a gut. Hilarious.

Is her surname pronounced 'SHMELLER'? or is that too much to hope?

It is, that's what caused the uproar. It was more the reactions that made me laugh. Laughter begets laughter and the whole audience were pxssing themselves. Walsh was in absolute bits,although he tried manfully not to start it. He failed and just exploded. Twas really funny.
Pity there isn't a video clip somewhere.

[The Axman]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with
us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here
and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God
said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and
preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion
will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are
not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a
companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And
Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy... and wagged his tail...
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other!

[clapton is god]

TV programmes are causing more laughs than the jokes. Tonight's "The Chaser":

Q. At what sport did Fanny Chmelar represent Germany?"

Bradley Walsh struggled manfully not to erupt, almost choked, then did, closely followed by the contestants and then the audience and that Headmistress Chaser. Took a good couple on minutes for it to get back on track as Walsh couldn't speak for busting a gut. Hilarious.

Here you go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teNgQTrv6pE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Verbal]

TV programmes are causing more laughs than the jokes. Tonight's "The Chaser":

Q. At what sport did Fanny Chmelar represent Germany?"

Bradley Walsh struggled manfully not to erupt, almost choked, then did, closely followed by the contestants and then the audience and that Headmistress Chaser. Took a good couple on minutes for it to get back on track as Walsh couldn't speak for busting a gut. Hilarious.

Is her surname pronounced 'SHMELLER'? or is that too much to hope?

It is, that's what caused the uproar. It was more the reactions that made me laugh. Laughter begets laughter and the whole audience were pxssing themselves. Walsh was in absolute bits,although he tried manfully not to start it. He failed and just exploded. Twas really funny.
Pity there isn't a video clip somewhere.

Fear not, dear citizen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmwGFX5pgXw" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[The Axman]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and tries to bite him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions rationalising the fact that lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps start throwing coconuts at him. Not amused, he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing both instantly. He's really worried now as to what to do to cover up the appalling slaughter he's caused? Rationalising again that lions will eat anything he hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:






Wait for it....









"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees

[thebish]