Joke thread

[thebish]

Worth repeating a classic in memory of Frank Carson:

"Did you hear about the Irishman who reversed into a car-boot sale and sold the engine."

lolz... that'd be because all Irishmen are thick, right??

You can be a right tosser at times

and good afternoon to you!

[Worthy4England]

Worth repeating a classic in memory of Frank Carson:

"Did you hear about the Irishman who reversed into a car-boot sale and sold the engine."

lolz... that'd be because all Irishmen are thick, right??

No, just because Frank Carson was an Irishman with a sense of humour. My dad was also one.

... not just that though - cos you'd also have to be thick to sell your engine... surely? the joke IS that Irishmen are thick isn't it?

Jeez.

[The Axman]

Anyway.

One afternoon, Barack Obama was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Obama," a heavily accented voice says". This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Barack replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation,"There is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8”
Barack sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back. "Right Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Barack asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Barack sighs and says, "I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armoured cars and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be buggered!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's crop-sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the darts team has joined us as well!"
Once more Barack sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high manouverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Obama, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners”.

[boltonboris]

Oh right.. So because he's Irish, he's thick?

[thebish]

Oh right.. So because he's Irish, he's thick?

You can be a right o'tosser at times

[Lord Kangana]

O'really?

[thebish]

[thebish]

[TANGODANCER]

I like Irish jokes, so here's another:

Paddy was driving home pissed. Suddenly,he had to swerve to avoid a tree,then another, then another. A police car pulled his over as he swerved all over the road. Paddy told the cop about the trees in the middle of the road. "Copper says: " For fcuk's sake Paddy, that's your air-freshener."

[Montreal Wanderer]

CONFESSIONAL BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[Gooner Girl]

Just been to A & E and I lost it and pushed a porters face into his cup of tea.

I got arrested for dunking this orderly.

[Bruce Rioja]

Just been to A & E and I lost it and pushed a porters face into his cup of tea.

I got arrested for dunking this orderly.

Straight to jail for you!

[Harry Genshaw]

The wife's just told me Davy Jones has died. I thought she was having me on.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bereaver

[TANGODANCER]

Bloke had one off with a rather fat girl. As he was leaving he said:

" If you want to see me again, ring this number"
"Aw, said she, "That's sweet. Nobody ever gaveme his number before"
"Not my number" says he, "It's Weightwatchers".

[TANGODANCER]

Doctor tells a 92 year old man he needs a semen speciment to check his general health. Gives him a jar and says " Just get me what you can, a small amount will do".

A couple of days later the man returns with the jar empty. Tells the doctor:

"No use I'm afraid. Couldn't manage it. I tried with each hand, then both together, no luck. Asked the wife and she did the same. Nothing. Tried the woman next door and she tried both hands, then her armpit and even between her knees. Nothing. I even asked the vicar to have a go and he tried mightily but nothing worked, so I have no specimen."

Doctor looks at him aghast: "You asked a vicar to do that?"

"Yep, but it was no good. Not a one of us could get the lid off the fcuking jar".

[Dujon]

[The Axman]

Two elephants walk off a cliff.... boom boom.

[The Axman]

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET

ELEMENT: Women

ATOMIC MASS: Standard at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Freezes without known reason; melts if given special treatment
3. Bitter if incorrectly used
4. Found in various states from common ore through to refined
5. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason
4. Most powerful fiscal reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental
2. Very effective cleaning agent

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands (even then, to be handled with extreme care)
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

[Montreal Wanderer]

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me

[2399]

I made this up! I wanted to say it to our smelly friend but was warned not to, Yesterday I told him it!

"What Smells like S*** and rhymes with poo?"

"You!"