Joke thread

[Bruce Rioja]

I found out that the Swedish for 'kitchen cabinet' is 'köksluckor' today.

Not a joke, it just made me giggle childishly.

My word. I never thought there'd come a day in which I actually find myself looking forward to my next visit to IKEA

[Worthy4England]

I must be getting owd, it just looked like cook's locker, to me...which I guess might make it kitchen cabinet.

[Hoboh]

The Higgs Boson walks into a catholic church. Priest says "What are you doing here?" HB says "You can't have mass without me"

[Verbal]

pic.twitter.com/Ry2k9Xsj

[clapton is god]

[Bruce Rioja]

Las Vegas and Newcastle don't have a lot in common,
but they are the only two places on Earth where you can pay for sex with chips.

[Dujon]

I prefer salt and vinegar.

[Montreal Wanderer]

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with th e same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Boston, Washington, Philadelphia, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'

[americantrotter]

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with th e same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Boston, Washington, Philadelphia, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'

[Lennon'sEleven]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on a pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

[davroduk]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on a pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

I do understand it but ...................

[TANGODANCER]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on a pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

Blimey, you've still got Christmas crackers left in July?

[CrazyHorse]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like me winning the lotto!

I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[Montreal Wanderer]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the
drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[seanworth]

Nice one.

[thebish]

[thebish]

love these photos...

[Bruce Rioja]

My mate went to get a giant tattoo of an Indian on his back. Halfway through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand". The tattooist said "Give us a fecking chance mate, I've only just finished his turban".

[Bruce Rioja]

[Andy Waller]

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Hey, nice belt.