Joke thread

[bwfcdan94]

the way things are going we are going to need a new thread just for Tesco horsemeat jokes

The going's good.

god,

[TANGODANCER]

Word is several supermarkets are expressing concern about their Cockaleekie soup content.

[thebish]

[Montreal Wanderer]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp…h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

[bwfcdan94]

QPR.

[bwfcdan94]

Did I mention Norwich.

[thebish]

[Lost Leopard Spot]

[ohjimmyjimmy]

That Joey Barton must be one annoying cvnt....he's only been there 6 months and the whole of France is emigrating to Newcastle...!

[Lost Leopard Spot]

That Joey Barton must be one annoying cvnt....he's only been there 6 months and the whole of France is emigrating to Newcastle...!

Apparently they like him, a bit like we liked Cantona. Fecking French

[Montreal Wanderer]

I'm not sure it shouldn't have been Necker called up... looks like his cube.

[Dujon]

Ah, Escher, a delight to the eye and a fright for the brain.

Necker, Monty? I know what you mean but . . . no.

[clapton is god]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a German, a Frenchman, an Egyptian, an Italian, an Aussie, an American, an South African, a Dutchman, a Kiwi, a Brazilian, a Czech, a Turk, a Greek, a Canadian, a Serbian, a Mexican, a Pakistani, a Russian, a Swede, a Belgian, an Israeki, a Portuguese and a Polishman walk into a bar. The bouncer says,
"Sorry lads - I cant let you in without a Thai"

[seanworth]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a German, a Frenchman, an Egyptian, an Italian, an Aussie, an American, an South African, a Dutchman, a Kiwi, a Brazilian, a Czech, a Turk, a Greek, a Canadian, a Serbian, a Mexican, a Pakistani, a Russian, a Swede, a Belgian, an Israeki, a Portuguese and a Polishman walk into a bar. The bouncer says,
"Sorry lads - I cant let you in without a Thai"

Well if the bar was any good he would have some in the back room to rent to the customers.

[clapton is god]

Inspired by Dan in the Highland Wanderer thread.

A man walks into a cake shop in a Scottish town and points at a product.

"Is that a chocolate eclaire or a meringue?

"No, you're quite right, dear." is the answer.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Inspired by Dan in the Highland Wanderer thread.

A man walks into a cake shop in a Scottish town and points at a product.

"Is that a chocolate eclaire or a meringue?

"No, you're quite right, dear." is the answer.

ha.

PS I tried out your Thai joke the other night. I started out telling it to a couple of mates and the next table overheard and concentrated on it, and as I ad-libbed more and more countries the entire bar fell silent listening to it. You could hear a pin drop as I finished it off ..."can't let you in without a Thai." and I felt a flush running up my cheeks until the first person hooted and the rest of the pub fell over laughing. (Thank feck for that).
It's the way I tell em.

[bobo the clown]

I tried out your Thai joke the other night.
..."can't let you in without a Thai." (Thank feck for that).

I told that to a few people ... laughs all round. That was until I told it to Lady Bobo.

"... & some fell on stony ground"

[bwfcdan94]

Inspired by Dan in the Highland Wanderer thread.

A man walks into a cake shop in a Scottish town and points at a product.

"Is that a chocolate eclaire or a meringue?

"No, you're quite right, dear." is the answer.

, your gonna have to explain that one to me sadly.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Inspired by Dan in the Highland Wanderer thread.

A man walks into a cake shop in a Scottish town and points at a product.

"Is that a chocolate eclaire or a meringue?

"No, you're quite right, dear." is the answer.

, your gonna have to explain that one to me sadly.

You have to say it in a Scots accent - the punchline then transliterates as '... or am I wrong'

[Andy Waller]

A fella goes into a £1 cake shop in Glasgow and chooses two cakes,

The owner behind the till says "£3 please".

The customer says "I though this was the £1 cake shop?"

The owner replies "Aye, but that's Madeira Cake...."