Joke thread

[LeverEnd]

oops - didn't expect that to be so huge! sorry!

Said the vicar to the.... oh forget it.

[clapton is god]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[Hoboh]

Really enjoying Liam Williams at the moment:

Rather have my teeth pulled!!
Typical unfunny shite from so called youth comics!!
Of course it will apeal to the odd half wit.

[CrazyHorse]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he
would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'

'Could you jack off?' she says......'I feel like shit!'

[clapton is god]

A crusty old bish biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a Pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER:£2.00
HAMBURGER: £2.25
CHEESEBURGER: £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50
HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger !".

[Prufrock]

Not a joke, but this made me laugh. Oops:

[Montreal Wanderer]

Not a joke, but this made me laugh. Oops:

It could certainly be better put. It would give old John Venn a chuckle.

[clapton is god]

A man walked into the local welfare office to organise his benefit payout. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather be working."

Staff behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CLS, and he will supply all of your upscale clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid 20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[Montreal Wanderer]

It was George the Mailman’s last day.

As he did his final rounds he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.

But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signalled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”

“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! give him a dollar!’

She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”

[Vertigo]

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and you will receive eternal life".
But he came fifth and won a toaster.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

[TANGODANCER]

Birthday card from a six year old:

"When grown ups have a birthday, their friends all clink their glasses and it gives them a headache."

[Prufrock]

Many people know that Burt Ward, who played Robin in the sixties TV series of Batman, went on to star in soft-porn.

Fewer people know that the bear from The Jungle Book also went on to star in Baloo movies.

BOOM!

[LeverEnd]

"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride."

- Extract from my book, 'Who to try to snog at Weddings'.

[Prufrock]

It's hard to say what my sister does, working for a travel agency.

She sells Seychelles overseas tours.

[Dujon]

Blimey, Prufrock. I'll forgive you that one, but only because I have noted the time you posted it.

[TaraJayne360]

So excited! Only 4 more Chelsea managers till christmas

[LeverEnd]

"Apple iPhone."

Yoda preparing to give Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter a call.

[clapton is god]

Just so you've all got at least one pirate joke for Talk Like A Pirate day tomorrow:

A pirate has a number of lumps on his back and fearful that they may be cancerous he goes to his doctor.

The doc has a good luck and says 'Don't worry Mr Pirate, they're benign.'

The Pirate says "Ahaaargh! Count again doctor. There be ten.'

[jaffka]

I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a great time.

[Bruce Rioja]

thebish got stung by bees on his way home tonight.



£12 for Manuka Honey.