Joke thread

[malcd1]

[Montreal Wanderer]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five
continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks,
"So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the
news.They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game
and he's afraid to come home"
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg .

[Prufrock]

I went round to Popeye's for dinner:

I said, "These grapes are really salty."

He said, "They're olives."

"All right, calm down, I'm sure she won't mind me having a couple".

[jaffka]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?" The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang' very loudly. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old replied, "Hmmmmmmm...well, logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Gary the Enfield]

[Montreal Wanderer]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50.s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

[thebish]

I have been chuckling about this for a good portion of the last 10 minutes!

http://pvspade.com/Sartre/cookbook.html

extract:

October 6

I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of a cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.

November 23

Ran into some opposition at the restaurant. Some of the patrons complained that my breakfast special (a page out of Remembrance of Things Past and a blowtorch with which to set it on fire) did not satisfy their hunger. As if their hunger was of any consequence! "But we're starving," they say. So what? They're going to die eventually anyway. They make me want to puke. I have quit the job. It is stupid for Jean- Paul Sartre to sling hash. I have enough money to continue my work for a little while.

[thebish]

[thebish]

[Hoboh]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?" The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang' very loudly. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old replied, "Hmmmmmmm...well, logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Montreal Wanderer]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word'fascinate, not fascinating' ".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated".
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

[TANGODANCER]

Same Johnny, hand up and ignored as the teacher asks the class to use the same word twice in one sentence.
Mary. "Yesterday the weather was wonderful so we went to the seaside and had a wonderful time"...Very good Mary..
Alec: (known to his friends as Smart) " To be or not to be, that is the question"...sighs, "Okay Alec. Johnny jumping about frantically. Teacher ...apprehensively...."Okay Johnny, what have you got?"
"Please Miss, yesterday my sister came home and told us she was pregnant, and my dad said, "Oh, lovely, that's just fxcking lovely!"

[clapton is god]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum Cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
So I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go Blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people
in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says:
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their
picks nicked."

[Lost Leopard Spot]

A large Yorkshire city has gone missing...

Police are looking for Leeds.

[Harry Genshaw]

some crackers in there Clappers

[clapton is god]

Just had a really boring job. First peel the potatoes then slice the potatoes. Dip the potatoes in flour then fry the potatoes.
I feel like my life is just frittering away!

[Worthy4England]

some crackers in there Clappers

See what happens, when you encourage him?

[Vertigo]

[Montreal Wanderer]

Marriage in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Montreal Wanderer]

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.