Joke thread
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
A bloke was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.
He's never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,
it's only twenty pounds. So they go into the bushes.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them and Police Officer appears holding a torch.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' He answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know it was your wife.'
'Well, neither did I, til you shone that bloody light in her face!'
'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.
He's never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,
it's only twenty pounds. So they go into the bushes.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them and Police Officer appears holding a torch.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' He answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know it was your wife.'
'Well, neither did I, til you shone that bloody light in her face!'
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
I’ve just seen a really angry window cleaner effing and blinding as he wiped a pane with his shirt sleeve... I think he’s lost his rag.
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bobo the clown
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Re: Joke thread
Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern USA small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern USA small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Last edited by bobo the clown on Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
Re: Joke thread
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night so I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever.
I thought it was all a bit odd really, because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
"I love you!" she said, and then got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever.
I thought it was all a bit odd really, because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
My dog is learning to speak a foreign language.....
It's Espanyol.
It's Espanyol.
Re: Joke thread
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
A few oldies:
Subject: How Fights Start
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started
Subject: How Fights Start
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started
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CrazyHorse
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Re: Joke thread
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.
A fish.
Businesswoman of the year.
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Andy Waller
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Re: Joke thread
What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
Bravefart
Bravefart
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
Re: Joke thread
Surprise morning sex was always my favourite.
That was before I lived on D Wing.
That was before I lived on D Wing.
Re: Joke thread
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
Re: Joke thread
I quite like this one.
Re: Joke thread
After a bad day at work, I came home to find someone had ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from bad to worse.
It just goes from bad to worse.
Uma mesa para um, faz favor. Obrigado.
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Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
Top 10 jokes from the fringe...
1."I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2."Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3."Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4."What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5."If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6."Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7."Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8."The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9."Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10."They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
Near misses
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster
1."I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2."Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3."Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4."What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5."If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6."Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7."Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8."The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9."Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10."They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
Near misses
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier "If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward "Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth "Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston "Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster
Re: Joke thread
Worthy4England wrote:Top 10 jokes from the fringe...
1."I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2."Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3."Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4."What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5."If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6."Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7."Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8."The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9."Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10."They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
Near misses
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom WardLove that one
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Andy Waller
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Re: Joke thread
WIlliam Shatner was due to marry Stevie Nicks but she pulled out because she didn't want to be know as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
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Burnden Paddock
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Re: Joke thread
I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
It was ruggish!
Re: Joke thread
Quality! !!!Burnden Paddock wrote:I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
Uma mesa para um, faz favor. Obrigado.
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