Joke thread

[Worthy4England]

[thebish]

Have YOU been hit by a rythym stick ?

Then you could be entitled to compensation through our personal Ian Dury scheme.

[TANGODANCER]

Have YOU been hit by a rythym stick ?

Then you could be entitled to compensation through our personal Ian Dury scheme.

[Enoch]

At any given moment, my urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.

[Enoch]

Mrs Enoch accused me of being a transvestite, so I'm packing her things and leaving!

[thebish]

Mrs Enoch accused me of being a transvestite, so I'm packing her things and leaving!

[clapton is god]

The man who invented predictive texting has just died.
His Funfair will be Hello next Sundial at 2 pm.

[TANGODANCER]

The man who invented predictive texting has just died.
His Funfair will be Hello next Sundial at 2 pm.

Now that made me laugh.

[thebish]

The man who invented predictive texting has just died.
His Funfair will be Hello next Sundial at 2 pm.

[Bruce Rioja]

The man who invented predictive texting has just died.
His Funfair will be Hello next Sundial at 2 pm.

Am nicking that, Clapton.

[thebish]

that reminds me of the similar joke about the man who invented the snooze function on alarm clocks that might have previously been posted here...

his funeral will be on Friday 12th June at 2pm, 2:05pm, 2:07pm......

[thebish]

how pianists dry their socks!

[Enoch]

Whiteboards are remarkable aren't they?

[TANGODANCER]

Whiteboards are remarkable aren't they?

As long as you use rainbow markers.

[clapton is god]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"

[Worthy4England]

[Bijou Bob]

Yay, Clappers FINALLY makes me laugh out loud!!

[clapton is god]

Yay, Clappers FINALLY makes me laugh out loud!!

I'm highly honoured. I'd like to thank my mother and my sister and my brother and my aunty Val. I couldn't have done it without their help. They have all been very supportive.

[Enoch]

Yay, Clappers FINALLY makes me laugh out loud!!

He regularly gives me a grin, that one was shite though, not like you couldn't see it coming.

Was it?

[thebish]