Joke thread

[Worthy4England]

bacon, pancakes, sausage

I'll turn a blind eye to this little gem....

[seanworth]

bacon, pancakes, sausage

I'll turn a blind eye to this little gem....

Caught your eye though didn't it.

[Sponge]

Q. Why shouldn't men wear Russian underpants?

A. Because Chernobyl fall out.

[Prufrock]

Got a birthday card today that had on the front:

"The three words every football fan loves to hear"


...


"Manchester United Nil".

Made me laugh. Perhaps needed more swearing. But otherwise.

Better than my hilarious cousin's 'You're now nearer 30 than 18'.

I never did like him.

[Bruce Rioja]

My wife said that turning her mother's life support machine off was the most difficult thing that she's ever had to do.

Obviously she's never tried sneezing whilst holding a full pint!

[Worthy4England]

My wife said that turning her mother's life support machine off was the most difficult thing that she's ever had to do.

Obviously she's never tried sneezing whilst holding a full pint!

[seanworth]

Made my Sunday that did Bruce. Cheers.

[Wandering Willy]

My wife's been missing for over a week now - the police have told me to prepare for the worst.

I'll have to go to Oxfam and get her clothes back.

[Bruce Rioja]

[enrdentw]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

[enrdentw]

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still coultn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid hiself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snuggly and fell sound asleep.

When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so dissappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you''ve let yourself down too!"

[enrdentw]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wtOKVfB ... ata_player" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fbo_pQv ... ata_player" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[davroduk]

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still coultn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid hiself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snuggly and fell sound asleep.

When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so dissappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you''ve let yourself down too!"

[davroduk]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

[thebish]

[Dujon]

Lovely, thebish, lovely.

[Hoboh]

There was an old man called Hall
Who had a hexagonal ball
His pecker plus eight, total of it's weight
was two thids of four fiths of f**k all

[William the White]

There was an old man called Hall
Who had a hexagonal ball
His pecker plus eight, total of it's weight
was two thids of four fiths of f**k all

That third line is always a tricky fecker, ain't it?

[Hoboh]

There was an old man called Hall
Who had a hexagonal ball
His pecker plus eight, total of it's weight
was two thids of four fiths of f**k all

That third line is always a tricky fecker, ain't it?

Actually I think it should be subtotal Oh Thirds

[Montreal Wanderer]

There was an old man called Hall
Who had a hexagonal ball
His pecker plus eight, total of it's weight
was two thids of four fiths of f**k all

That third line is always a tricky fecker, ain't it?

Sometimes the last is worse as in

There was a young man from Japan,
Whose poems never would scan.
When he was asked why
He could only reply
"I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can."