TWSpy Stoke...

[thebish]

Bullied, dazed and battered into submission by the relentless and paradoxical unstoppable force and immovable object that is William, TWSpy dusts off his binoculars and shuffles embarassedly out of retirement...

TWSpy reporst for duty...

TWSpy's first trip to Stoke was on the Premiership debut - Steinsson scored a wonder goal/cross and the stokies all arrived in a minibus. Sadly, the guy who ran that minibus and forum died suddenly a year or so later, and the forum and the van are (I think) no more - they were lovely people and great fun.

So it's to other Forums that we must look - and this week we are ably assisted by the Oatcake Forum and the 1863 Forum. (for those that don't know, 1863 is the last time Stoke won away from home.) TWSpy was interested to see if anything had changed since those early heady debut-days.

TWSpy was not hugely amused to find that the 1863 match-thread was renamed after the first post to read:

Notlob v Stoke City FC

Just where exactly have you got the idea that calling us names is appropriate?? We're not bitter rivals and never will be - have you not got enough midlands battles to fight without adding us into the mix? Besides, Notlob is about as funny as Ekots would be - which has already been classified by the Funny Marketing Board as having absolutely no funny content whatsoever. So - enough already!

But then this....

Can we break this fecking post Euro away day curse?

hope so, shut that jock up, mind you I don't think owt will shut him up he's like a 45 on 78

What has Coyle ever done to you? (I presume he's the "jock"?) The 45 on 78 reference is a bit old-school, though - the young JCL stokies won't get that - and as such - I applaud you! well done sir!

Some local dialect, anyone?

Goarnnnnnn Stoke

Goarnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Stoke

thanks!

score predictions??

1-1 draw.

2-1 Stoke.

1-1.

Another 1-1 here

Quite optimistic then!

1-1 sounds good to me.

I bet it does!!!

I'll go with this. I think it's got draw written all over it. They will see this as the game to turn their shocking run of form against the team that put them there in the first place. Nicking it at the death would be brilliant.

There's going to be some great chants up there.

Possibly not the chants you're expecting, son!

1-1. I'd take that now, although strangely I wouldn't be surprised to see us nick it.

nicking it - right at the end... hmmmm...

Went to Bolton last year, we got unlucky, but it was a decentish perfromance. If we play with any kind of determination to win tomorrow, we will win.

If my arse was a goat's head then I'd have a goat's-headed arse.... and wouldn't I be the envy of the street?

I don't know why but I think we will win tomorrow, but I am not going to put my mortagage on it

you may live to congratulate yourself on your financial good sense! (if not your spelling..)

You know how they say that females are programmed to "forget" the pain of childbirth in order to continue the species, well I reckon following Stoke away is a bit like that. Within hours of leaving the Emirates totally dejected I was already looking forward to Bolton.

I really, really, realy want a win but I reckon score draw.

1-1 seems to be the consensus then?

4-1 Bolton

Euro hangover is going to feck us again, we looked tired on Monday, went to Israel Thursday. Bolton will see this as a massive game, knowing we'll be there for the taking after a tiring week, we're shit away, include the revenge factor and they'll want it that little bit more.
Bolton 3-1 Stoke

Now now lads - we're not at home to Mr P S Immism.

I said this before the FA Semi Final for a joke so I'll say it again

We'll win 4-0

that's more like it - a proper fan!!

0-0 They can't score and we're particularly wank away from home; hence I'd settle for a point & a clean sheet.

I suspect we would too - and you're dead right - spot on - we can't score - utterly incapable....

COME ON YOU RIP ROARING POTTERS

POTTERS
OTTERS
TTERS
TERS
ERS
RS
S

Ooh - could this catch on?? let me try it..

COME ON YOU SPINE TINGLING TROTTERS

TROTTERS
ROTTERS (?)
OTTERS
TTERS (how do you pronounce that? tutters???)
TERS
ERS
RS
S

errrr... no - it won't, will it!

Gooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnn

ahh - the dialect is back!

There follows much discussion about the lineup - and especially Huth at Right Back - they think he's out of position (!) and that we will spot that and tear him a new one... fancy! The actual discussion is way too tedious to repeat here - but it turns out that Anyone on one leg would be a better option, apparently...

anyway the game has started - let me settle down in this huge overstuffed armchair and reach for a digestive.... oh!

1-0 Bolton.

WHAT A fecking DISGRACE. 1. WASN'T A PASSBACK 2. THEY CAN'T JUST TAKE IT QUICKLY LIKE THAT

errr.. arguably it was - and, yes we can!

Oh, and aren't you meant to take the free kick from where the back pass was made, not where the goalie picks it up? So the free kick should have been taken about 15 yards further back.

errr... no! I don't think so...

the refs a c*nt
the bolton players are c*nts
and our players are c*nts for not paying attention

this games got a plethora of c*nts involved

bit harsh! The Bolton players did nowt wrong!! (and - back to apostrophe school for you my lad!)

No, its from where the goalkeeper picks it up because that is what is breaking the rules, not the pass.

yeah! what he said!!

Farcical start..
We look the better team..
Pennant has the beating of Robinson, unfortunately, so does Eagles over Huth..

Player X has the beating of Robinson (for X insert any name) - tell us summat we don't know!!!

anyway - looks like things are looking better - what, with you being the better team n'all, maybe all is not lost?

feck!

Oh feck off Begovic. How many errors is he going to keep on making?

Oopsie! did I speak too soon?? sorry!

Can we drop that useless Bosnian feck yet?

Sick of seeing him gifting teams goals.

Your Bosnian will be no match for our Croatian.... just you wait!

Begovic at fault for not holding the ball for the first and again for a shite clearance for the second.

Why are we so shite away from home?

Is it Pulis, the players or both?

ooh - I know this one! can I hazard a teensie-weensie guess?? is it..... both?

Bego has been incredibly shit.

Ball just doesn't stick to Crouch up front.

Oooh - imagine that!!! that'd be scary!! Do you mean like one of those velcro sticky-bat games? hoof it hard at crouch and see if you can make it stick to him?? I'd pay to see that!!

I dont think Bolton are any better than us by the look of it. Begos made two howlers and gifted them the goals, apart from that it should be 0-0, a scoreline we`d have been happy with at halftime

there - you see boys? a little bit of perspective! It's not THAT bad!!

The score line isn't a fair reflection of the game. Begovic being a useless c*nt, Bolton being c*nts and Howard Webb being a controversial c*nt are the reasons we're losing. We've probably had more attacking play than them. I don't think it's the tactics. It'd still be 0-0 if Begovic had had his head screwed on and it was the same at Sunderland.

where does this abuse come from?? I don't understand it! what cuntish things have we done to irk you???

Don't think they've even created a chance. Everything has been gifted to them by us.

would you like us to put that right in the second half for you??

It's like self harm watching us away from home. We're fecking wank. What makes it worse is, they're fecking wank

Gee, thanks!

Embarrassingly it's the 2nd PL game in a row now where we've made a fecking wank team look like world beaters

Gee - thanks again!!

Bollocks to this. feck off stoke

I guess that's 3-0??

Poor keeping again. Should've gotten to that

I've watched every match, irrespective of scoreline or performance, this though i can't watch any longer..

This is embarrassing. No midfield, our best centre half at right back, our best right back playing left back and a shocking performance all round. No excuse for this. I really feel for those who have travelled again

and the 1863 forum pretty much loses interest in the game at this point and get their keyboards stuck on the letters F.U.C.K and W.A.N.K.

for further comment we must retire gracefully to the oatcakes...

That's it then. feck me Pink. HUTH IS NOT A RIGHT BASTARD BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you wanna buy Robbo?? he's good! (though it might be argued he's not a right bastard back either!)

How many have we scored this season - it's absolutely pathetic !

Happy to help!! you've scored 8 goals so far in 10 and a half games - and (so far!!!) conceded 17. Just for argument's sake, another 2 goals against would leave you with a goal difference of minus 11 - which would be a goal difference of -1 per game!

Delap throw what a bore.

I'm shocked!!! surely when you're a stoke fan - when you're bored of a long throw, you're bored of life itself!!

Have we had a shot on target yet against the worst defence in the Prem?

I don't believe so - no! bit of a tactical blunder that, I'd say!

We really are an out of form teams dream. I bet Blackburn can't wait to play us.

very familiar words, believe me!!

Utter fecking w@@k

Knew we'd lose - had enough of this complete ineptitude away from home - here you go Bolton you're shite but we''ll let you bum us like we let everyone else - fcuk off

Dont worry, we should get another throw in soon

There are ways to lose football matches.

This isn't the way. You go down fighting. Our lads had given up before they took the pitch.

believe me - we've tried them all!!

oh feck off!!

What a load of bollox, sort it fecking out Pulis

feck me

4-0

revenge on the cards

I'm sorry but this now is disgusting

shite

bye guys, i think i've had about as much of this debacle as i can stomach

what can I say boys, except that we know how it feels!!

Weve certainly come a long way since we lost our opening Premier League fixture 3..0 at Bolton.

The evolution is killing me!

I was just mentioning that earlier on! you remember it too! how sweet! (I could have sworn you scored a goal though...)

So after beating this shower 5-0 the last time we met we add 22m worth of quality to push on and find ourselves in this position, something needs to be done and flippin soon

oof - that's gotta sting! is that net spend??

Does anyone have a stream that DOESN'T work!!

- post of the day!!

Still bloody 20 minutes to go...

better not concede another

Don't mind if Bolton get a few more now. Lessons need to be learned, and this is the only way. We are a nothing of a football team at present, and an embarrassment. Tone's becoming limited in his ability now. Mr Coates must demand better from his investment.

Oh don't, don't - you'll make me cry!!!

shit, im not watching it anymore

can't say as i blame you mate - I stopped watching the semi-final at 3-0 (granted i tuned back in 10 mins later to see if a miracle had occurred - it hadn't!)

There`s nothing more I hate now but having to listen about how great a team is when they beat Stoke ... and what a great Manager they have ... etc. etc.

did you really hear that? we didn't - all we heard was "yeah, but stoke are tired - victims of the fixture list etc..." It's interesting how our filters work!!

Losing is bad enough but our goal difference recently has been taking a pasting. -10 at present. And I have a feeling it'll get worse before the final whistle.

I hate to be the one to confirm your worst fears......

5-0 feck off

ahh - there we go, saved me having to do it!

And there it is........5-0

oh feck indeed

They deserve this

do you mean - Stoke deserve a thrashing - or Bolton deserve a win? if the latter - cheers mate!

They can do no wrong ...it was inevitable....

Bolton can do no wrong - winning was inevitable!!! Now I really have heard it all!!

And a grin from tunny to ice the cake

Just to rub it in....here is Tuncay

Tunk on, money on him getting the 6th?

Tunny to score anyone?

eh?? ahh!! I get it - of course - I'd forgotten he used to play for you!

Look on the bright side ..we may be on first MOTD2

and your dreams came true!

nice for the young lad Riley to get his chance for an ovation ... he's done owrate the lad has (looks about 12)

that's very generous of you sir! I must introduce you to WtW - he thinks you're all cocks!

We dont shoot outside the area because pulis tells them not to imo.

is that true???? now - where have I heard that before?? In fact - you could search and replace Stoke with Bolton on this entire thread - and it would probably all ring true!

Thank feck for that. Well done Bolton.

Bolton played really well tbh, or they looked really good against our poor play. Ill go for the former.

Sky....'Stoke simply couldn't live with Bolton' Oh dear

you had your day in the sun - and we weren't at all sore about losing (errr...) - nice to see you taking it in good grace...

but there's always someone who doesn't quite GET what forums are, isn't there?

I don't write on this forum often.
But some you need to get a grip. The only place your voice should be heard is on match day and get behind the team. Okay, we've had a stuffing , but moaning and groaning won't help. Neither will advice on team selection unless you're the boss.
I went my fisrt game in 1959, so i've seen lots of bad times. But we're in the Prem for gods sake, never thought it would happen.
Wake up and shut up unless it's match day.
Even more so if you've only watching Stoke since we got in the Prem.
Then shame on you.

Yes Admin, can you shut this forum down for Pegleg please.
We all need to shut up unless it's a match day, although it was a match day.
Fancy wanting to discuss a match or where things maybe going wrong.
Actually feck that admin. Pegleg, just don't come on here, that would be easier.

which is pretty much it from Oatcake

Wank

Oh - sorry - that seems as good a place to end as any!

TWSpy is happy to confirm that his opinion hasn't changed and that stokies are on the whole decent fans who give credit where credit is due, have real worries about their club, don't have their heads up their arses and feel persecuted by the rest of the world... in short - they are just like us!

TWSpy logging off....

[keveh]

a stream that doesn't work!

Loved reading that!

[Gail Platz]

"HUTH ISN'T A RIGHT BASTARD BACK" I think that made me laugh the most! Oh and the constant use of the word "wank", it's like going on a West Ham forum all over again haha.

[Armchair Wanderer]

TWSpy is happy to confirm that his opinion hasn't changed and that stokies are on the whole decent fans who give credit where credit is due, have real worries about their club, don't have their heads up their arses and feel persecuted by the rest of the world... in short - they are just like us!

Speak for yourself!

[jaffka]

thanks Bish that was very enjoyable, also agree with your summary but it is nice to see the spy back in action

[DIPS]

Excellent Bish thanks

[HMX]

Thanks for making the effort, TWSpy - this was a very enjoyable read!

[Gooner Girl]

Gread read Bish!

[Annoyed Grunt]

Really good read that.

[Worthy4England]

Top Spying as ever.

[Prufrock]

See I happen to think quite a large portion of Stoke fans, a larger portion than that of say West Ham, or Spurs, or Sunderland, are properly horrible feckers. Nasty. However, the ones that aren't all seem really sound. Considering they just got a dicking off a team they monstered a few months ago there is some genuinely impressive modesty there. Can't say I'd have been as magnanimous. Conclusion. Their c*nts are worse than most, their all right are far better than most. Stoke. Marmite.

[elfil76]

thanks bish.. superb work. Enjoyed the read.

[TKIZ!]

Top Spying fella

[Lennon'sEleven]

Thanks Mr Bish. Top job.

[bobo the clown]

See I happen to think quite a large portion of Stoke fans .... are properly horrible feckers. Nasty. However, the ones that aren't all seem really sound. Considering they just got a dicking off a team they monstered a few months ago there is some genuinely impressive modesty there. Can't say I'd have been as magnanimous.

Spot on.

Their base fans are horrific. The OK ones are actually excellent.

[Andy Waller]

See I happen to think quite a large portion of Stoke fans .... are properly horrible feckers. Nasty. However, the ones that aren't all seem really sound. Considering they just got a dicking off a team they monstered a few months ago there is some genuinely impressive modesty there. Can't say I'd have been as magnanimous.

Spot on.

Their base fans are horrific. The OK ones are actually excellent.

I work with a load of them and the girlfriend lives in Hanley so I've first hand experience of the Stoke natives.

Most of the fans are ok but in general they're retarded. Seriously.

It's a shame to take the piss out of them, they've no idea how to function in a normal environment.

It's like giving a llama a keyboard and laughing at it's rendition of Rock Around The Clock.

Did anyone see the fat Stoke turd with the "5-0" t-shirt on at all?

[Lord Kangana]

I thought they were a set of c*nts at Wembley, so I'm losing no sleep ripping the piss out of them.

[CrazyHorse]

I thought they were a set of c*nts at Wembley, so I'm losing no sleep ripping the piss out of them.

.....is about where I'm at too.

[hi there, i'm chris]

I thought they were a set of c*nts at Wembley, so I'm losing no sleep ripping the piss out of them.

.....is about where I'm at too.

Yep. Will never forget the mass amount of fans that were already outside of Wembley with 15 minutes to go ready to attack Bolton coaches. Seen plenty of bad behaviour from other set of fans but nothing quite like that.

[Dave Sutton's barnet]

It was always one of the worst joints to visit on the late-80s circuit

Narrow backstreets at dusk, underpasses to train stations, never pleasant