Joke thread

[davroduk]

What's the difference between a 1984 gold medal and a cow?


Torville and Dean don't know how to milk a cow.

[davroduk]

When I was young I didnt know what Tits were.

But I knew I would come across them someday.

[clapton is god]

A friend of mine had a ghost boomerang but he just threw it away. I thought 'That'll come back to haunt him!'

[Andy Waller]

What do you call a dog that does magic?

A Labracadabrador.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

What do you call a dog that does magic?

A Labracadabrador.

[Prufrock]

The Ugandan Justice Minister has today urged for calm over claims that the country's new anti-gay legislation is turning into a witch hunt.

The government's successful witch hunt last year means witches no longer pose any significant threat to the public.

[clapton is god]

Bob gets a text off his next door neighbour.

"Bob, I'm sorry to tell you I've been having your wife at every possibility opportunity. Morning and evening, whenever you aren't there. I am ashamed but I thought it better I should tell you. It's no excuse but I just haven't been getting it at home. I promise it won't happen again."

Bob is distraught and goes into the bedroom where without saying a word he kills his wife stone dead.

A moment later he gets another text message.

"Bloody spell checker! I meant your wifi, not your wife!"

[Hoboh]

Bob gets a text off his next door neighbour.

"Bob, I'm sorry to tell you I've been having your wife at every possibility opportunity. Morning and evening, whenever you aren't there. I am ashamed but I thought it better I should tell you. It's no excuse but I just haven't been getting it at home. I promise it won't happen again."

Bob is distraught and goes into the bedroom where without saying a word he kills his wife stone dead.

A moment later he gets another text message.

"Bloody spell checker! I meant your wifi, not your wife!"

[Enoch]

Went to see my Dad today. I put him in a care home Friday on a weeks trial, he said he's had enough already and wants to go home.

Apparently, Saturday morning, a sexy little carer gave him a bed bath and wanked him off. But later he fell over and the big fat fella that helped him up slipped him one from behind.

I told him you gotta take the rough with the smooth.

He said 'feck off! I get hard once a month, I fall over twice a day!'

[Annoyed Grunt]

Went to see my Dad today. I put him in a care home Friday on a weeks trial, he said he's had enough already and wants to go home.

Apparently, Saturday morning, a sexy little carer gave him a bed bath and wanked him off. But later he fell over and the big fat fella that helped him up slipped him one from behind.

I told him you gotta take the rough with the smooth.

He said 'feck off! I get hard once a month, I fall over twice a day!'

You are Mike Reid and I claim my £5.....

[clapton is god]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

You wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on your face.

[davroduk]

My doctor has told me to avoid saturated fat.......


So Ive stopped shagging the missus in the shower !!

[Montreal Wanderer]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

You wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on your face.

I doubt I'd pay anything to have a chick pee on my face either, Clappers!

[boltonboris]

That's what makes the j... Forget it

[LeverEnd]

"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?"

"ICU baby, shaking that ass"

[Worthy4England]

"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?"

"ICU baby, shaking that ass"

[jaffka]

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

[Always hopeful]

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it his logs out with a pencil.

Fixed that for you.

...but then again, that probably doesn't make sense now to anyone under 45.

[Annoyed Grunt]

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it his logs out with a pencil.

Fixed that for you.

...but then again, that probably doesn't make sense now to anyone under 45.

It didn't need fixing

[jaffka]

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it his logs out with a pencil.

Fixed that for you.

...but then again, that probably doesn't make sense now to anyone under 45.

It didn't need fixing

We now know that he belongs in the pedants corner.