Joke thread
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warthog
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- Location: Nearer to Ewood Park than I like
RECENT LETTER FOUND IN A PERSONAL PROBLEMS ADVICE COLUMN
From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand.
Dear Problem Page,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.
My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters,
who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from
Liverpool, England.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and
are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is
currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison,
Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the
other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on
charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch and indeed is still a part time “working girl”
in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has
recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as
soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising
her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I
am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least
it would get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to
bringing her into the family and of course I want to be
totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my
brother-in-law being a Scouser?
From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand.
Dear Problem Page,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.
My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters,
who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from
Liverpool, England.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and
are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is
currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison,
Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the
other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on
charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch and indeed is still a part time “working girl”
in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has
recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as
soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising
her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I
am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least
it would get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to
bringing her into the family and of course I want to be
totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my
brother-in-law being a Scouser?
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Bruce Rioja
- Immortal
- Posts: 38742
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 9:19 pm
- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Eww, what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me,"she said. "Let me guess..........."
"Smallcox !!!"
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Eww, what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me,"she said. "Let me guess..........."
"Smallcox !!!"
May the bridges I burn light your way
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
Funny - I heard a version this joke forty years ago, Bruce, when I first came to this country. It was in the deep south and the groom had no toes or knees as he undressed. The diseases were different. He had ptomaine poisoning and his toes fell off, and kneemonia and his knees fell off. The Bride's punchline was to the effect that the wedding was off if he'd ever had prickly heat.
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Little Green Man
- Icon
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- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 9:34 pm
- Location: Justin Edinburgh
A man goes into a seafood restaurant. The waiter comes over and says, 'Good evening, sir, and what would you like to order', pointing at the tank, teeming with marine life. 'I think I'll have squid today'', says the man.
'Ah, sir, we only have the one and I don't think you'd like it', says the waiter. 'No, no', says the customer, 'the squid it is.' 'Very good', says waiter.
On the way back to the kitchen he reaches into the tank and lifts out the most hideous squid in the world. It's a deep shade of green and has a noticeably bushy moustache over its mouth. He takes it into the kitchen and hands it over to Gervais, the French chef.
Gervais takes the squid and prepares to commit the coup de grace with his kitchen knife before filleting it. However, the vile squid looks at Gervais with its beady eyes and lets out a pitiful squeal. Gervais is overcome with remorse and cries out, 'Zut alors, I cannot do zthees zthing!'
At the back of the kitchen, the German pot washer, Hans, lets out a bellicose laugh at the cowardice of his work colleague. 'Typical Frenchman', he cries. 'OK', says Gervais, 'You have a go!'
Hans seizes the knife and is about to plunge it into the squid when once again the squid lets out its plaintive squeal. At this point, the German drops the knife and runs crying from the kitchen.
And the moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais with vile, green hairy lip squids.
'Ah, sir, we only have the one and I don't think you'd like it', says the waiter. 'No, no', says the customer, 'the squid it is.' 'Very good', says waiter.
On the way back to the kitchen he reaches into the tank and lifts out the most hideous squid in the world. It's a deep shade of green and has a noticeably bushy moustache over its mouth. He takes it into the kitchen and hands it over to Gervais, the French chef.
Gervais takes the squid and prepares to commit the coup de grace with his kitchen knife before filleting it. However, the vile squid looks at Gervais with its beady eyes and lets out a pitiful squeal. Gervais is overcome with remorse and cries out, 'Zut alors, I cannot do zthees zthing!'
At the back of the kitchen, the German pot washer, Hans, lets out a bellicose laugh at the cowardice of his work colleague. 'Typical Frenchman', he cries. 'OK', says Gervais, 'You have a go!'
Hans seizes the knife and is about to plunge it into the squid when once again the squid lets out its plaintive squeal. At this point, the German drops the knife and runs crying from the kitchen.
And the moral of the story?
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais with vile, green hairy lip squids.
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Montreal Wanderer
- Immortal
- Posts: 12948
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
blurred wrote:What have John Prescott and an MFI flatpack got in common ?
A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet collapses
I just wish I knew what an MFI flatpack was..."If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Bruce Rioja
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- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
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TANGODANCER
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- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
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TANGODANCER
- Immortal
- Posts: 44175
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
After getting Pope John Paul’s entire luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something happens?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you." says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window, as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105!!
"So bust him," said the Chief
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!
"Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something happens?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you." says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window, as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105!!
"So bust him," said the Chief
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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communistworkethic
- Legend
- Posts: 7404
- Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 9:08 pm
- Location: in your wife's dreams
- Contact:
WOMAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late
so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested
we Go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he
hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that
he had found someone else... I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then.
Gutted!
Got a shag though.
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late
so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested
we Go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he
hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that
he had found someone else... I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.
Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then.
Gutted!
Got a shag though.
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americantrotter
- Passionate
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- Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2005 12:03 am
- Location: Portland, Maine USA
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose
hand was caught in a gate while he was working cattle, the doctor struck
up a conversation.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor George W. Bush
and his elevation to the White House.
The old Texan said, "well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle"
was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain, "You know - he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want
to help the dumbsh*t get down."
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose
hand was caught in a gate while he was working cattle, the doctor struck
up a conversation.
Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor George W. Bush
and his elevation to the White House.
The old Texan said, "well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle"
was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain, "You know - he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want
to help the dumbsh*t get down."
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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communistworkethic
- Legend
- Posts: 7404
- Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 9:08 pm
- Location: in your wife's dreams
- Contact:
a miner loses his leg in a pit accident. After being rescued he undergoes counselling for his trauma. He is clearly depressed wehn he visits his psychaitrist and cannot see a future for himself.
"who needs a one-legged gold digger?" he wails
"what about Paul McCartney?" The psychaitrist replies
"who needs a one-legged gold digger?" he wails
"what about Paul McCartney?" The psychaitrist replies
power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely
kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house
kevin nolan is so fat, that when he sits around the house he sits around the house
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white blood
- Promising
- Posts: 272
- Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2005 2:10 pm
I find it all very sad. It wasn't long ago that Macca was going down on one knee.communistworkethic wrote:a miner loses his leg in a pit accident. After being rescued he undergoes counselling for his trauma. He is clearly depressed wehn he visits his psychaitrist and cannot see a future for himself.
"who needs a one-legged gold digger?" he wails
"what about Paul McCartney?" The psychaitrist replies
Or "Heather" as she likes to be called.
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Winter Hill White
- Hopeful
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- Location: Lost
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CrazyHorse
- Immortal
- Posts: 10572
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2005 2:51 pm
- Location: Up above the streets and houses
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
Businesswoman of the year.
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