Shit Jokes

CAPSLOCK · Post by **CAPSLOCK** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 4:54 pm

WHAT DID ONE PARROT SAY TO THE OTHER?

D'YOU WANNA BUY A WARDROBE?

Little Green Man · Post by **Little Green Man** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 8:29 pm

What's the most common owl in the world?

The teat owl.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

What do you do when you've got a trumpet buried in your garden?

You root-it-oot.

CAPSLOCK · Post by **CAPSLOCK** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 8:32 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pN674BM9i4

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 11:16 am

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:27 pm

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army wrote:
cowdrill wrote:two nuns driving down a road and a vampire jumps out in front of the car and wont let them pass

one nun says to the other "quick, show him your cross!"

so she leans out of the window and shouts "GET OUT OF THE F***NG WAY YOU STUPID TOOTHY BASTARD!!!!"
Shit my arse!! That was quality

Yep, laughed so much almost spat Banana on the screen, anything that makes me laugh here must be good, then again I like bad jokes

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:30 pm

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

Backgammon · Post by **Backgammon** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:34 pm

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jam in.

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:34 pm

what's black and white and eats like a horse?

a zebra

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:35 pm

Backgammon wrote:How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jam in.

and what does he say to his mates when he's buying doughnuts?

I hope you like jam in too.

Electric Gretar · Post by **Electric Gretar** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:01 pm

What lives at the bottom of the sea and attacks mermaids?

Jack The Kipper

Backgammon · Post by **Backgammon** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:02 pm

communistworkethic wrote:
Backgammon wrote:How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jam in.
and what does he say to his mates when he's buying doughnuts?

I hope you like jam in too.

One of his lads prefers a 'Jam Rock'cake...

???

white blood · Post by **white blood** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:18 pm

Three Irish men are visiting a speech pathologist to try and cure their stuttering.
After a few hours the doctor is getting infuriated at the lack of progress she is making.
“right, I give up” she says, “One last chance, Im going to ask you where you live, if you reply without stuttering and ill give you a blowjob!”

“Right, Gerry where do you come from?”
“d d d d d du du du dub dub….” Replies Gerry

“Forget it, Murphy what about you?”
“b b b b b b be be be bel bel….” Attempts Murphy

“ok ok, that’s it, your turn Paddy”
“London” says Paddy “At last” interrupts the doctor, who immediately drops to her knees and starts sucking him off.

After its all over they are both outside having a fag when the doctor asks

“So, how long have you lived in London?”
“I don’t” replies Paddy “ im from London d d d d de de der der…..”

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:33 pm

Three chavs get rounded up after a skirmish in the town centre.
Leader chav: "No sweat lads, just give a false name, they can't prove nuffin"
Dumb chav: "What names shall we give?"
Leader chav: "Oh, FFS, just pick on off a shop window. There's enough of them!"

Copper: Right you lot, names?
Leader Chav "Er, Mark,
Copper, Mark what?"
"Er, Spencer"
Second Chav:"Er, (looks around) Martin"
Martin what?"
"Er, Dawes".
Dumb chav: "Er, it's Ken".
Copper: "Ken what?
Dumb chave: " Er...Tucky Fried chicken"

Daxter · Post by **Daxter** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:38 pm

TANGODANCER wrote:Three chavs get rounded up after a skirmish in the town centre.
Leader chav: "No sweat lads, just give a false name, they can't prove nuffin"
Dumb chav: "What names shall we give?"
Leader chav: "Oh, FFS, just pick on off a shop window. There's enough of them!"

Copper: Right you lot, names?
Leader Chav "Er, Mark,
Copper, Mark what?"
"Er, Spencer"
Second Chav:"Er, (looks around) Martin"
Martin what?"
"Er, Dawes".
Dumb chav: "Er, it's Ken".
Copper: "Ken what?
Dumb chave: " Er...Tucky Fried chicken"

Excellent

Winter Hill White · Post by **Winter Hill White** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:02 pm

I got this handyman in to do a few things round the house. I left him a list of eight jobs to do. When I came back, he'd only done jobs 1, 3, 5 and 7. I asked him why - he replied he was just an odd-job man.

white blood · Post by **white blood** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:11 pm

black ugly man rumaging through his attick looking for porn found a old lamp, he rubbed it and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you one wish my lord" said the genie...

"I wish i was white and surrounded by pussy" said the man...

with a whoooosh, the man turned into a tampon!

Moral of the storey; you may get what you wish for - but there is always a string attached!

white blood · Post by **white blood** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:18 pm

Scouser goes into pub and asks for a cocktail stick,

Barman is a little perturbed but hands over a cocktail stick and the tramp leaves.

10 minutes later another scouser comes in and asks for a cocktail stick again,

Barman is getting a little frustrated by obliges and gives the tramp a cocktail stick.

10 minutes later another scouser walks in to the pub and is about to speak when,

“don’t tell me, you want a cocktail stick?” interupts the barman

“No, just a straw please” replied the scouser

“Eh!? Well how come you want a straw but your mates wanted cocktail sticks?”

“Well, somebody has been sick outside but all the best bits have gone”

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 4:23 pm

Guy bursts a tyre while driving through Transylvania. As he get out to fix it he is attacked by a large vampire bat.
Suddenly a car bursts onto the scene and an attractive young girl jumps out and starts pelting the bat with food: Tomatoes, lettuce, pork pies, chicken legs etc. She scores a direct hit with a hard-boiled egg and the bat drops to the ground lifeless.

Guy: "Gee, you saved my life. How can I ever thank you miss..? What's your name?"

Girl: "Just call me Buffet the vampire slayer"

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Okay, put the gun down Soldier, steady new, put it down boy, I'm going

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