West Ham are complete failures! Let's all laugh at 'em!

EastLondon · Post by **EastLondon** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 2:34 pm

Bench whats all this "move along now son" cobblers, you must have loved my long post you have commented on it twice!

EastLondon · Post by **EastLondon** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 2:39 pm

Tango dancer thankyou for the compliments on my article I did think I ran out of steam towards the end but it got everyone talking. I dont think Bolton fans hate us (well too much anyway) its all just banter thats what makes football what it is!

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 2:43 pm

EastLondon wrote:Tango dancer thankyou for the compliments on my article I did think I ran out of steam towards the end but it got everyone talking. I dont think Bolton fans hate us (well too much anyway) its all just banter thats what makes football what it is!

Amen to that mate.

Athers · Post by **Athers** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:06 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:
EastLondon wrote:Awright geeezzaa!
This is all slightly sad on yaaahr parts don' yew think?
Its true what we are where we deserve ter be at da momen' but thats down ter aaahr players thinkin' they are big time charlies after just one season in da Prem an' lets be fair anyone who knows anythin' abaaaht football knows what da second season back is always 'arder - after all da cain & able does not lie. Its also true what yew are 'avin' a great season - because yew are a bee's knees team wiv a bee's knees manager players like Nolan, Speed are class an' Sam seems ter know da right boys ter brin' in - but are yew really Champions League quali'y as a few posts on 'ere suggest I think not ( I was 'opin' what yew would get da champs league spot over Poor Man's Gruel what was until yew got smashed by 'em an' after readin' deese posts I quite glad now ) So whats da poin' ov all dis slaggin' yew beat us Roarf - 0 at yaaahr plastic lifeless stadium I was there an' full respect ter da 'ammers fans still singing, chantin' an' doin' da conga at Roarf - 0, would yaaahr fans do da same? last year in da FA cup at aaahr place yew must 'ave only brought abaaaht 300 fans down who sat lifeless not one poxy song, an' yaaahr not really what rabi' 'utch be'er when yew play us in da league - I was there at Readin' where we were stuffed by a very well organised, very bee's knees Readin' team. Our fans did da very same thin' sang all da way frough. Our team who are Cockney-Gladys Knight because ter be 'onest none are premiership quality. Are no reflecshun on da 'ammers fans awer da clubs name awer its 'istory, so whats da poin' in pet'y 'andbag commun's ter da suppawters, if yaaahr really what 'appy what we are goin' down e - mail da club an' pass yaaahr points onto da players. But when all's said an' done just remember what what goes around comes around an' i' might take a few seasons but at some poin' yew might be strugglin' testing at which time I'll butchers 'ook aaaht fer da "Lets all bubble (bubble barf) at Bow'on" fread which'll no doubt be plastered on 'ere. I'll round up my ran' by pointin' aaaht what i'm sure if yew were where we are plen'y ov teams would miss yew as yew do brin' so rabi' 'utch ter da Premiership yaaahr ground which butchers 'ooks exactly da same as da JJB wiv no character an' no atmosphere an' a hoppin' pot ov emp'y seats, yaaahr fans wiv no passion an' no voice even thuff yaaahr teams quality, an' all from yaaahr tin pot town what is so borin' an' Cockney-Gladys Knight what da locals would rarfer go ter Manchester ter spend their bees an' 'oney.
Sorted mate.

Get back to work.

northernmonkeyscum · Post by **northernmonkeyscum** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:42 pm

Dear Bolton fans (both of you),

In response to your question, no we didn't believe that load of old guff. The first blatant indication that this was an elaborate (and puzzlingly time-consuming) rouse came in the first sentence when you described yourselves as football fans.

The fact that whining is music to your ears is no surprise to anyone who's ever had the misfortune to hear a brass band. Or worse still, the mullet-haired crooner Michael who names himself after your city. As a man who's taken classic, much-loved music the world over and single-handedly attempted to turn it into a soulless, lazy, formulaic, ugly, ham-fisted hybrid of what we thought was beautiful in the name of "success", we are sure you'll agree the parallels are poignant.

However, let's not shirk the issue here - I'm well aware that Bolton have no problems with being direct - you have a point. We may well struggle to attract the highest quality players, a problem that you are no doubt fully sympathetic with given your geographical location. However, we can always rest safe in the knowledge that our place in the league is subject to change, unfortunately for you, your place in the country is not.

Unless, that is, you are considering an MK Dons-style relocation, in which case I can recommend a rather attractive stadium going up around the Stratford area. We had a look, but decided the running track would mean that there wouldn't be much atmosphere, so I'm sure you'll be right at home.

However, regardless, we shall do our best to spend our newly acquired and greatly appreciated wealth. We'd go shopping in Bolton, but to be honest there isn't a lot that takes our fancy, and whilst the prices are reasonable, we fear that the "extras" to be placed in brown envelopes and passed under the door at Corporate Footwear Sell Out Enormodrome may prove prohibitive.

But anyway, thanks for your genuine concern. True enough, the likes of Hull, Stoke and Preston may be a bit of a trek, but they do have in their favour the fact that they aren't in Bolton. Thanks also for going to the effort to type your concerns rather than scrawl them onto the walls of your caves. I must admit that I wasn't aware that Dell had managed to produce a coal-powered computer, but it's nice to know that you've tried. You'll find it much easier once you get "electricity" up there - probably in about 50 years - although a note to the grandkids, the first time you see it try not to burn the operative as a witch or devil, it really isn't magic at all, just some clever people who are there to help.

In the meantime if there's anything we can help with (show you how to make fire, explain the rudimentaries of the metric system, sell you our vastly over-rated captain for way more than he's worth) please don't hesitate to ask.

Warmest Regards, The West Ham Fans

P.S. Lee Bowyer sends his best to that loveable scamp El Hadje Diouf

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:46 pm

northernmonkeyscum wrote:Dear Bolton fans (both of you),

In response to your question, no we didn't believe that load of old guff. The first blatant indication that this was an elaborate (and puzzlingly time-consuming) rouse came in the first sentence when you described yourselves as football fans.

The fact that whining is music to your ears is no surprise to anyone who's ever had the misfortune to hear a brass band. Or worse still, the mullet-haired crooner Michael who names himself after your city. As a man who's taken classic, much-loved music the world over and single-handedly attempted to turn it into a soulless, lazy, formulaic, ugly, ham-fisted hybrid of what we thought was beautiful in the name of "success", we are sure you'll agree the parallels are poignant.

However, let's not shirk the issue here - I'm well aware that Bolton have no problems with being direct - you have a point. We may well struggle to attract the highest quality players, a problem that you are no doubt fully sympathetic with given your geographical location. However, we can always rest safe in the knowledge that our place in the league is subject to change, unfortunately for you, your place in the country is not.

Unless, that is, you are considering an MK Dons-style relocation, in which case I can recommend a rather attractive stadium going up around the Stratford area. We had a look, but decided the running track would mean that there wouldn't be much atmosphere, so I'm sure you'll be right at home.

However, regardless, we shall do our best to spend our newly acquired and greatly appreciated wealth. We'd go shopping in Bolton, but to be honest there isn't a lot that takes our fancy, and whilst the prices are reasonable, we fear that the "extras" to be placed in brown envelopes and passed under the door at Corporate Footwear Sell Out Enormodrome may prove prohibitive.

But anyway, thanks for your genuine concern. True enough, the likes of Hull, Stoke and Preston may be a bit of a trek, but they do have in their favour the fact that they aren't in Bolton. Thanks also for going to the effort to type your concerns rather than scrawl them onto the walls of your caves. I must admit that I wasn't aware that Dell had managed to produce a coal-powered computer, but it's nice to know that you've tried. You'll find it much easier once you get "electricity" up there - probably in about 50 years - although a note to the grandkids, the first time you see it try not to burn the operative as a witch or devil, it really isn't magic at all, just some clever people who are there to help.

In the meantime if there's anything we can help with (show you how to make fire, explain the rudimentaries of the metric system, sell you our vastly over-rated captain for way more than he's worth) please don't hesitate to ask.

Warmest Regards, The West Ham Fans

P.S. Lee Bowyer sends his best to that loveable scamp El Hadje Diouf

Splendid effort (apart from your name). Move to Bolton and join us.

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:47 pm

very nice. that took a bit of skill, perhaps our scummymonkey friend would treat us to more?

Athers · Post by **Athers** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:48 pm

You were doing so well until you mis-spelled Diouf's name.

David Lee's Hair · Post by **David Lee's Hair** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:52 pm

He's forgot we cannot read up north!

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:07 pm

Athers wrote:You were doing so well until you mis-spelled Diouf's name.

Apparently Bolton is a city too.

Soldier_Of_The_White_Army · Post by **Soldier_Of_The_White_Army** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:09 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:
Athers wrote:You were doing so well until you mis-spelled Diouf's name.
Apparently Bolton is a city too.

Does that mean that we are a huuuuge club now

David Lee's Hair · Post by **David Lee's Hair** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:13 pm

unfortunately for you, your place in the country is not

Neither is East London's!!

Corporate Footwear Sell Out Enormodrome

It'll be better than the Mum's Gone to Iceland Ground, sitting in the Kerri Katonia Memorial Stand

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:40 pm

northernmonkeyscum wrote:Dear Bolton fans (both of you),

In response to your question, no we didn't believe that load of old guff. The first blatant indication that this was an elaborate (and puzzlingly time-consuming) rouse came in the first sentence when you described yourselves as football fans.

The fact that whining is music to your ears is no surprise to anyone who's ever had the misfortune to hear a brass band. Or worse still, the mullet-haired crooner Michael who names himself after your city. As a man who's taken classic, much-loved music the world over and single-handedly attempted to turn it into a soulless, lazy, formulaic, ugly, ham-fisted hybrid of what we thought was beautiful in the name of "success", we are sure you'll agree the parallels are poignant.

However, let's not shirk the issue here - I'm well aware that Bolton have no problems with being direct - you have a point. We may well struggle to attract the highest quality players, a problem that you are no doubt fully sympathetic with given your geographical location. However, we can always rest safe in the knowledge that our place in the league is subject to change, unfortunately for you, your place in the country is not.

Unless, that is, you are considering an MK Dons-style relocation, in which case I can recommend a rather attractive stadium going up around the Stratford area. We had a look, but decided the running track would mean that there wouldn't be much atmosphere, so I'm sure you'll be right at home.

However, regardless, we shall do our best to spend our newly acquired and greatly appreciated wealth. We'd go shopping in Bolton, but to be honest there isn't a lot that takes our fancy, and whilst the prices are reasonable, we fear that the "extras" to be placed in brown envelopes and passed under the door at Corporate Footwear Sell Out Enormodrome may prove prohibitive.

But anyway, thanks for your genuine concern. True enough, the likes of Hull, Stoke and Preston may be a bit of a trek, but they do have in their favour the fact that they aren't in Bolton. Thanks also for going to the effort to type your concerns rather than scrawl them onto the walls of your caves. I must admit that I wasn't aware that Dell had managed to produce a coal-powered computer, but it's nice to know that you've tried. You'll find it much easier once you get "electricity" up there - probably in about 50 years - although a note to the grandkids, the first time you see it try not to burn the operative as a witch or devil, it really isn't magic at all, just some clever people who are there to help.

In the meantime if there's anything we can help with (show you how to make fire, explain the rudimentaries of the metric system, sell you our vastly over-rated captain for way more than he's worth) please don't hesitate to ask.

Warmest Regards, The West Ham Fans

P.S. Lee Bowyer sends his best to that loveable scamp El Hadje Diouf

Dear distantrelativeofthesurrendermonkey,

Yaaawwnnnn!!!!

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:43 pm

I was impressed how he obviously got his care worker to type out all that dictation!

Nowt wrong with our Mental Health system, ladies and germs, Exhibit A!

David Lee's Hair · Post by **David Lee's Hair** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:46 pm

To be fair Batman, it took him his lunch hour, I'd hope to be able to do a lot more than just that in an hour
http://www.kumb.com/forum/viewtopic.php ... 0&start=40

Zulus Thousand of em · Post by **Zulus Thousand of em** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:54 pm

Hey up, all the Spammers who do Community Service are just getting home!

f*cking vile pork pie eating c*nts,they hate us with a passion,god knows why
i'm just waiting for that fat c*nt Sam to get a f*cking heart attack,and then watch them feck* go into free fall
I f*cking HATE BOLTON

Pork pies? Isn't that Melton Mowbray?

Zulus Thousand of em · Post by **Zulus Thousand of em** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:59 pm

I've just been tipped off about this site by an eel-munching friend of mine. Another bloody good read!

http://www.westhamonline.net/forum_flat.php?1235479||1||

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 5:02 pm

Ahhhhhhhhh you gotta love Cockneys, actually.............you don't.

You can't spell Cockney without Cock yer know........

norm the jedi · Post by **norm the jedi** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 7:50 pm

Particularly like the guy who reckons 'Bolton is only good for Curry, being as it is full of ethnics..
Where as the Boleyn graaand is just full of Essex... only thing worse than a Cockernee is a plastic cockerchaveney
from good old Basildon..

BoltonBilly · Post by **BoltonBilly** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:04 pm

northernmonkeyscum wrote:Dear Bolton fans (both of you),

In response to your question, no we didn't believe that load of old guff. The first blatant indication that this was an elaborate (and puzzlingly time-consuming) rouse came in the first sentence when you described yourselves as football fans.

The fact that whining is music to your ears is no surprise to anyone who's ever had the misfortune to hear a brass band. Or worse still, the mullet-haired crooner Michael who names himself after your city. As a man who's taken classic, much-loved music the world over and single-handedly attempted to turn it into a soulless, lazy, formulaic, ugly, ham-fisted hybrid of what we thought was beautiful in the name of "success", we are sure you'll agree the parallels are poignant.

However, let's not shirk the issue here - I'm well aware that Bolton have no problems with being direct - you have a point. We may well struggle to attract the highest quality players, a problem that you are no doubt fully sympathetic with given your geographical location. However, we can always rest safe in the knowledge that our place in the league is subject to change, unfortunately for you, your place in the country is not.

Unless, that is, you are considering an MK Dons-style relocation, in which case I can recommend a rather attractive stadium going up around the Stratford area. We had a look, but decided the running track would mean that there wouldn't be much atmosphere, so I'm sure you'll be right at home.

However, regardless, we shall do our best to spend our newly acquired and greatly appreciated wealth. We'd go shopping in Bolton, but to be honest there isn't a lot that takes our fancy, and whilst the prices are reasonable, we fear that the "extras" to be placed in brown envelopes and passed under the door at Corporate Footwear Sell Out Enormodrome may prove prohibitive.

But anyway, thanks for your genuine concern. True enough, the likes of Hull, Stoke and Preston may be a bit of a trek, but they do have in their favour the fact that they aren't in Bolton. Thanks also for going to the effort to type your concerns rather than scrawl them onto the walls of your caves. I must admit that I wasn't aware that Dell had managed to produce a coal-powered computer, but it's nice to know that you've tried. You'll find it much easier once you get "electricity" up there - probably in about 50 years - although a note to the grandkids, the first time you see it try not to burn the operative as a witch or devil, it really isn't magic at all, just some clever people who are there to help.

In the meantime if there's anything we can help with (show you how to make fire, explain the rudimentaries of the metric system, sell you our vastly over-rated captain for way more than he's worth) please don't hesitate to ask.

Warmest Regards, The West Ham Fans

P.S. Lee Bowyer sends his best to that loveable scamp El Hadje Diouf

LMAO just when you're in full rant, you couldn't help cheering us all up with a pop yourselves.

Thanks

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