300 - I cannot WAIT for this movie!!

[Batman]

Review

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Trailer

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/300/

Posters

[Apathy]

Oh this is just weird !

Before the match today I was reading my book called Persian Fire, which is a historical book all about the battle of Thermpolyae.

Then this bloke with Ginger hair, and a Goatte came and sat directly behind me and my mate, just as I was putting my book away. He then proceeded to give us and everyone within a 10 foot radius a running commentary on the match, and the odds on everyone scoring. Does that sound like anyone familiar Batman ? :p

Almost as freaky as 2 years ago when I went to watch my 8 year old Nephew play football against Bromley Cross in the morning , and then at the match in the afternoon the Bromley Cross manager was sat in the seats behind us. AND he use to work with my mate who sits next to me.

Sorry to hijack your thread. Ill say hello next time. You'd have just said 'Apathy, no never heard of you'

[Muse]

I am really looking forward to this film I saw the trailer around november and can't wait for its release theres a couple of trailers, pics and other stuff on the official site too.

http://300themovie.warnerbros.com/

[Simmy]

heh, quality review, wheres that from and how have they seen it already?

The film is actually based on a comic book by the creator of Sin City who took the story from a 1950's film called 300 Spartans which is supposedly based on true events when a million Persians invaded Greece a few thousand years ago but were beaten back mostly because of a few Greeks causing them so much trouble at the battle of Thermopylae, most notably 300 big bad Spartans!

Its this vs Transformers for most ace looking film of 2007 The historians ain't too happy bout it tho!

[TANGODANCER]

Probably just another Alexandre or Troy, both pretty useless as historical movies. Bit like to history what "Danny the Dog" was to Kung Fu.

[communistworkethic]

Probably just another Alexandre or Troy, both pretty useless as historical movies. Bit like to history what "Danny the Dog" was to Kung Fu.

You're missing the point TD. There's not meant to be anything much historical about this film. This takes an influence from the infamous Spartan stand at Thermopylae and lttle more - it's the premise that is important - small number of an elite force standing against superior numbers.

The story of Troy itself has some questionable historical value too - Achilles was invunerable but for his heel having been dipped in the River Styx- his heel having been the part of his body his mother, a sea nymph- Thetis, had held on to while dipping. He was also subject to a paternity suit between two gods; Zeus & Poseidon. If any stories are open to historical inaccuracy and artistic licence, it's probably Greek legends.

[TANGODANCER]

Nope, not missing the point. I said historical, never mentioned truth. A lot of history is based on legend and myth. Just look at Robin Hood and King Arthur. In years to come Hollywood will probably be quoted as a historical reference.

[InsaneApache]

"Spartans do not ask how many? Only where they are?"

After being told by the Persian King that their archers arrows are so numerous that they will block out the sun, the Spartan King said, "Then we shall fight in the shade."

A Spartan proverb.

A mother to a son, "come back with this sheild, or upon it".

Hard bastards taught from birth to be warriors.

[communistworkethic]

Nope, not missing the point. I said historical, never mentioned truth. A lot of history is based on legend and myth. Just look at Robin Hood and King Arthur. In years to come Hollywood will probably be quoted as a historical reference.

You are, it's not meant to be historical. It stopped being that when it became a Graphic Novel , which was based on the Spartans.

[Zulus Thousand of em]

Hard bastards taught from birth to be warriors.

A bit like Breightmet then?

[TANGODANCER]

Nope, not missing the point. I said historical, never mentioned truth. A lot of history is based on legend and myth. Just look at Robin Hood and King Arthur. In years to come Hollywood will probably be quoted as a historical reference.

You are, it's not meant to be historical. It stopped being that when it became a Graphic Novel , which was based on the Spartans.

Mortal Kombat meets Homer?

[CrazyHorse]

Hard bastards taught from birth to be warriors.

A bit like Breightmet then?

Aye, and that's just the women....

[Batman]

"Spartans do not ask how many? Only where they are?"

After being told by the Persian King that their archers arrows are so numerous that they will block out the sun, the Spartan King said, "Then we shall fight in the shade."

A Spartan proverb.

A mother to a son, "come back with this sheild, or upon it".

Hard bastards taught from birth to be warriors.

Total Film!

[Montreal Wanderer]

You're missing the point TD. There's not meant to be anything much historical about this film. This takes an influence from the infamous Spartan stand at Thermopylae and lttle more - it's the premise that is important - small number of an elite force standing against superior numbers.

I shall probably regret this but why was Leonidas's stand at Thermopylae with 300 Spartans AND 700 Thespian volunteers infamous? I would have thought it to be famous myself.

[communistworkethic]

You're missing the point TD. There's not meant to be anything much historical about this film. This takes an influence from the infamous Spartan stand at Thermopylae and lttle more - it's the premise that is important - small number of an elite force standing against superior numbers.

I shall probably regret this but why was Leonidas's stand at Thermopylae with 300 Spartans AND 700 Thespian volunteers infamous? I would have thought it to be famous myself.

because it was part of a war, they were betrayed and they all were ultimately slaughtered. Now on the basis of those factors I'd say "infamous" was a reasonable word to use for that battle.

Now go be a pedant elsewhere, please.

[Montreal Wanderer]

You're missing the point TD. There's not meant to be anything much historical about this film. This takes an influence from the infamous Spartan stand at Thermopylae and lttle more - it's the premise that is important - small number of an elite force standing against superior numbers.

I shall probably regret this but why was Leonidas's stand at Thermopylae with 300 Spartans AND 700 Thespian volunteers infamous? I would have thought it to be famous myself.

because it was part of a war, they were betrayed and they all were ultimately slaughtered. Now on the basis of those factors I'd say "infamous" was a reasonable word to use for that battle.

Now go be a pedant elsewhere, please.

Well, the reason I thought I might regret asking because I suspected you were incapable of answering a simple question without some ad personem additional piece of nastiness in this case a reference to a pedant. Yes, it was a war but the betrayal came before the last stand at Thermopylae - that route was betrayed to the invading Persians. Leonidas sacrificed himself and his men to give the other Greek city states time to resist the invasion - and the sacrifice was utlimately successful. Holding a position against collosal odds in order that one's civilization could be preserved makes it famous enough for me. The earlier betrayal of the route to the Persians by a Greek was infamous, but not Leonidas's stand. Just my opinion mind - no need for apoplexy.

[communistworkethic]

why was I incapable? Hmmm would that be because you chip in without want or need, be wrong and argue that you aren't. Even when you know you're being antagonistic, if you want to argue you know I'll stand my ground. Everybody does. So don't make me out to be the bad guy when you know your smart-assed, looked-it-up-on-the -internet attempts at knocking what was a perfectly reasonable comment will inflame a situation that didn't need it.

[Batman]

Hey come on chaps, don't make me break out the Mr T smiley to smack you foo's down

[communistworkethic]

I'm fine Batman, I've not had a stroke, convulsions, haemorrhaging or any loss of bodily function. Just mild annoyance.

[Montreal Wanderer]

why was I incapable? Hmmm would that be because you chip in without want or need, be wrong and argue that you aren't. Even when you know you're being antagonistic, if you want to argue you know I'll stand my ground. Everybody does. So don't make me out to be the bad guy when you know your smart-assed, looked-it-up-on-the -internet attempts at knocking what was a perfectly reasonable comment will inflame a situation that didn't need it.

I merely asked why you used the adjective infamous about an historical event because I was curious. Subsequently I confess I noted that with me, as with other posters, you have a tendency towards personal attacks about people's age, education, undertsanding of the world or whatever. That doesn't make you a bad guy unless that is your self-perception. Do I understand that you wish to deny me the right to ask a question about one of your pronouncements - to chip in without want or need as you put? Well, this is a forum. These situations become inflamed because of your reactions more than anything else. I really did want to know why you considered the event infamous - I never suggested you were wrong to use the adjective. As for looking things up, I do from time to time, but I think you will find when I do I use the quote function and attribute it. I am sorry to have mildly annoyed you.