Joke thread

bobo the clown · Post by **bobo the clown** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 9:23 am

At the doctors They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 2:35 pm

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

bobo the clown · Post by **bobo the clown** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 3:13 pm

A big bruising guy walks into a bar looking for a fight. There weren’t many customers there but he went up to the bar splitting the clients into 2 groups.

He looked up & down the people two his left … they shuffled about, trying to avoid eye-contact, sensing this could go badly wrong. He realised there was no-one to challenge him.

He looked to his right and summed them up as equally weak & lily-livered.

Turning to his right he said “you lot … you lot wank your dogs. You are self-abusing failures and cowards, you offer nothing to the world. …. Now, if anyone disagrees with that just tell me now & we’ll discuss it man to man over a good old-fashioned bar fight.”

Nothing. No-one moved, no-one looked at him. Certainly no-one chose to disagree with him.

He sneered & turned to the group to his left … “ … & YOU lot, you lot fck your own mothers and grandmothers. You are useless wastes of oxygen and the sooner you go to hell the better. … Now, if anyone disagrees with that just tell me now & we’ll discuss it man to man over a good old-fashioned bar fight.”.

No-one moved. No-one except, after a few seconds, a little, feeble looking old guy gets off his bar stool & moves toward the big guy.

“ … oh, … oh … so you have something to say, do you ?” he shouts, preparing to knock the little guy into kingdom come.

The little guy hesitates … looks up … and says “ … oh, no … no, no, no … I just realised I was on the wrong side of the room”.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:49 am

WHERE'S LARRY
Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds* AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his
wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a
box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box
back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 8:20 pm

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I Have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".

Bijou Bob · Post by **Bijou Bob** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 1:21 pm

A farmer walks into his farmhouse and says to the wife
" Get your coat, we're going huntin"

The wife, none to impressed, replies " You can feck off, Im not going hunting with you"

"Its either huntin, anal sex or a BJ, you've got ten minutes to decide while I load the truck" says he

10 minutes later, he walked back in

" Whats it to be then"

"Well Im not going huntin and you're not putting it up there, so it'll have to be a BJ"

Off she goes, head a nodding until after 30 seconds she looks up from her knees and says

" Feckin hell, you taste terribel"

"I know" he replies "The dog didn't want to go either"

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 2:29 pm

Nelson Mandela is enjoying a well deserved beer and a fag on his verandah when a dirty great artic pulls up outside his house, tyres screaming and clouds of dust filling his near horizon.

When the dust clears Nelson looks down to see a little man of oriental extraction holding out a clipboard and shouting ''expwess dewibbery, you sign, you sign!''

Confused, our hero says ''but I'm not expecting a delivery''

The man looks at clipboard again and even more insistently says ''ADDWESS SEEM OKAY, YOU SIGN, YOU SIGN!

So Nelson asks to look at the clipboard and, after seeing an inventory for crankshafts, tyres, brakes and bumpers, replies sagely,

hang on

No, my son, you want the Nissan Main Dealer[/b]

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 4:24 pm

Man walks into a bar

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 4:32 pm

Well these made me larf

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:34 pm

Are Pakistan the first team in attempting to win the cricket world cup who have come home with the Ashes?

And following their recent abject failure, rumours are that instead of cricket the PCB are going to concentrate on the new sport of bob slaying instead, at which they appear to have more success.

InsaneApache · Post by **InsaneApache** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:39 pm

blurred wrote:Are Pakistan the first team in attempting to win the cricket world cup who have come home with the Ashes?

And following their recent abject failure, rumours are that instead of cricket the PCB are going to concentrate on the new sport of bob slaying instead, at which they appear to have more success.

Deary, deary me. This is a joke thread, in case you missed it!

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 1:36 pm

Not a joke but it made me laugh:

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 5:54 pm

blurred wrote:Are Pakistan the first team in attempting to win the cricket world cup who have come home with the Ashes?

And following their recent abject failure, rumours are that instead of cricket the PCB are going to concentrate on the new sport of bob slaying instead, at which they appear to have more success.

Rubbish

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:46 pm

Batman wrote:Rubbish

Coming from the fella who posted the 'DIOUFFFFFYYYYY' topic? Hmmm...

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:43 pm

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
> >
> > I was shopping at the local
> > supermarket where I selected:
> > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> > A carton of eggs,
> > A quart of orange juice,
> > A head of romaine lettuce,
> > A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
> > A 1 lb. package of bacon.
> >
> > As I was unloading my items on the conveyor
> belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched
> as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
> >
> > While the cashier was ringing up the
> purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
> > I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
> > the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on
> the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
> my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
> to my marital status
> >
> > Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
> "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
> > earth did you know that?"
> >
> > The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly

Daxter · Post by **Daxter** » Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:05 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Brilliant!!!

Daxter · Post by **Daxter** » Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:10 pm

blurred wrote:
Batman wrote:Rubbish
Coming from the fella who posted the 'DIOUFFFFFYYYYY' topic? Hmmm...

Yeah but those 'jokes' were rubbish and fairly tasteless.

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Tue Mar 27, 2007 10:20 pm

americantrotter wrote: > > A half-gallon of 2% milk,

what was the other 98%???

Lennon · Post by **Lennon** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 12:11 pm

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's

truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other."Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:11 pm

communistworkethic wrote:
americantrotter wrote: > > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
what was the other 98%???

Not sure if this is a serious question (trans-Atlantic misunderstanding) or simply an attempt at humour. If the former, milk is sold over here with the percentage fat content on the label (Skim 0%, 1%, 2% and 3.5% are normal). Cream is sold the same way from 10% (for coffee) to 35% (whipping cream).

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