Joke thread

enfieldwhite · Post by **enfieldwhite** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:15 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:
communistworkethic wrote:
americantrotter wrote: > > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
what was the other 98%???
Not sure if this is a serious question (trans-Atlantic misunderstanding) or simply an attempt at humour. If the former, milk is sold over here with the percentage fat content on the label (Skim 0%, 1%, 2% and 3.5% are normal). Cream is sold the same way from 10% (for coffee) to 35% (whipping cream).

If Commie wasn't confused, I was. Thanks for that, Monty.

Why don't they call it 2% cream, though?

I think our versions are full fat, semi-skimmed and skimmed.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:18 pm

enfieldwhite wrote:
Montreal Wanderer wrote:
communistworkethic wrote:
americantrotter wrote: > > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
what was the other 98%???
Not sure if this is a serious question (trans-Atlantic misunderstanding) or simply an attempt at humour. If the former, milk is sold over here with the percentage fat content on the label (Skim 0%, 1%, 2% and 3.5% are normal). Cream is sold the same way from 10% (for coffee) to 35% (whipping cream).
If Commie wasn't confused, I was. Thanks for that, Monty.

Why don't they call it 2% cream, though?

I think our versions are full fat, semi-skimmed and skimmed.

Actually 2% cream does exist and comes in little containers in restaurants, etc. for coffee for the weight conscious. So it is not the same as 2% milk, which is - er - milk. Not necessarily rational but that is how it is.

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:20 pm

both - we don't use those terms and really it should be 2% fat milk?

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:23 pm

communistworkethic wrote:both - we don't use those terms and really it should be 2% fat milk?

Indeed, and it is - the package doesn't say 2% milk - it just says Milk and, unconnected to the Milk, 2% is elsewhere on the package and it may even specify what. We contract 'milk with 2% fat content' and simply say '2% milk' - natural laziness, I suppose.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:27 pm

Overcome with curiosity I have popped down to the staff lounge to see what it actually say on the carton. On one side is 'Lait 2% M.G.' while on the other it says 'Milk 2% M.F.' - along the top, using both languages, is 'Milk partially skimmed' and ' lait partiellement écrémé'.

Further examination reveals the fact that MF is 'Milk Fat' - would never have guessed.

Lennon · Post by **Lennon** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:45 pm

Montreal Wanderer wrote:Overcome with curiosity I have popped down to the staff lounge to see what it actually say on the carton. On one side is 'Lait 2% M.G.' while on the other it says 'Milk 2% M.F.' - along the top, using both languages, is 'Milk partially skimmed' and ' lait partiellement écrémé'.

Further examination reveals the fact that MF is 'Milk Fat' - would never have guessed.

HAHAHAAHAHA TELL US ANOTHER ONE!!!!

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 2:16 pm

I know I was the only one think MF was either MuthaFucka or Man Fat...

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 2:19 pm

Oh, and there was me thinking it referred to "Ministry of Fckup" regulations.

Batman · Post by **Batman** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 5:25 pm

This joke thread is making me piss myself!

communistworkethic · Post by **communistworkethic** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 6:46 pm

nothing new there, eh Batman?

InsaneApache · Post by **InsaneApache** » Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:02 pm

You need Tena Lady [TM] Batty.

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 3:05 pm

A farmer has 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAMMO! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Vultures are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says ........ "Shhhh! They're getting closer!

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:54 pm

Here's a question from the new driver's license test.............

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' - (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on) and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round *

bobo the clown · Post by **bobo the clown** » Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:10 am

americantrotter wrote:A farmer has 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAMMO! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Vultures are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says ........ "Shhhh! They're getting closer!

Good grief.

That was made into a song by Jake Thackray about 30 yrs ago.

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 3:03 pm

A little boy walks into his parent's room and sees his mom on top of his dad, having sex.
Later when he questions his mom about it, she explains to him: well, daddy's getting a little fat so every once in a while i have to get on top of him and flatten his belly...
to which the boy replied: well, that won't do any good... the lady next door always comes over and just blows him back up again!

americantrotter · Post by **americantrotter** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 8:49 pm

Drinking an American beer is like having sex in a row boat...
Its fecking too close to water.

Dr.Karl · Post by **Dr.Karl** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 10:50 pm

Apparently Maximo Parks latest single "Our Velocity" was originally called "Our Speed", but decided on the former as it had more direction.

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 2:19 pm

A young couple from Blackburn got married and were having their honeymoon in the Darwen Travel Inn.

They begin doing what honeymooners do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."

The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room, slamming the door without saying a word and goes home to his family to tell them what happened.

His dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

InsaneApache · Post by **InsaneApache** » Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:25 am

A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.

"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.

"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.

"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"

Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff pound notes down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".

Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.

"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.

"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.

"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for Blackburn"

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:41 am

Some Alan Ball ones... they don't take long, do they?

Apparently David Beckham is to read the eulogy at the former England International’s funeral.

Well, he is a dead ball specialist after all.

------

Alan Ball died yesterday after trying to rescue the fire that started at his compost heap outside his home.

A Man City spokesman issued a statement: "Not that surprising really, given that he couldn't manage this pile of shite either."

------

Oh, and Andy Johnson’s been told that he can’t attend Alan Ball’s memorial service at Goodison in case he dives in the box.

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