Joke thread

[communistworkethic]

In a survey on whether immigration was becoming a real problem in Britain, the public replied as follows:

20% said Yes,

10% said No,

70% said....$erx*vtean#&! vorkan daz8$?

70% were SOTWA???

[TANGODANCER]

Classic cartoon in today's Metro:

Beggar on the station: "I used to have six bank accounts on line and two building society accounts; and then one day I forgot my mother's maiden name.

[Prufrock]

A girl and a guy are in the back of the cinema making out for what seems like ages, until the boy stops and says, "all this kissing is, you know, brilliant and everything, but i dont like that chewing gum you keep passing me"

The girl replies, "that's not chewing gum, i have bronchitis"

[Rated R Superstar]

A girl and a guy are in the back of the cinema making out for what seems like ages, until the boy stops and says, "all this kissing is, you know, brilliant and everything, but i dont like that chewing gum you keep passing me"

The girl replies, "that's not chewing gum, i have bronchitis"

.............I still laughed though................

[David Lee's Hair]

Everyday at work, a bloke goes over to a female colleague who's wearing a short skirt, inhales deeply, tells her that her hair smells nice then goes back to his desk.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and complains furiously to her boss that it's sexual harassment.

Her boss is puzzled by her anger and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a colleague telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman says, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[jaffka]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I have to stop w***ing.


When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

[TANGODANCER]

A feminist goes to Kabul and is disgusted to find women walking ten paces behind the men. Twelve months later she visits again and finds the women walking ten paces in fron to the men. "Wonderful", she says to her interpreter, "What made the difference?"

"Landmines"

[David Lee's Hair]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. To which his Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and proceeds to tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

So his Dad says : 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

[Prufrock]

Statistically speaking, 9/10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Prufrock]

Children are dressing like whores, whores are dressing like children, i don't know whether to carry money or sweets?

[Prufrock]

A woman was in the throes of labour, and she wasnt taking it too well. She cursed at the nurses, tried to attack the midwife, and then turned on her husband, "All this pain," she cried, "all this agony, its all your bastard fault!"



"Actually," said the husband, "i think you'll find...i suggested we do it up the bum, but you said it would be too painful".

[Dave Sutton's barnet]

Just stumbled across more Tim Vineisms, apologies if they've been posted, made me chuckle though

• Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?
  
  The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
  
  When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
  
  So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"
  
  Velcro, what a rip-off...
  
  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one
  
  You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong
  
  I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?"
  
  A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  
  I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
  
  I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
  
  I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Ok, where is he?"
  
  So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
  
  So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
  
  He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
  
  You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
  
  So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
  
  Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs. One man turns to the other and says "Morning". The other man replies "No, just walking the dog."

[CrazyHorse]

[CrazyHorse]

[CrazyHorse]

[CrazyHorse]

[John Doe]

Paddy and Micky are on a plane for the 1st time. The plane hits turbulence, Paddy turns to Micky and says 'If we turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?' Micky replies 'I don't think so, we've been friends for years.'

[blurred]

You are all invited to a large family BBQ at a mansion in Shropshire.

There'll be plenty of beer, but sadly no Fosters.

[BWFC_Wyles]

Jim is playing golf the week before he gets married. Standing on the 5th tee, his mate slices his drive and the ball flies right into Jim's manhood and he's in absolute agony.
He goes straight to the Doctor's to seek serious help.

After inspecting Jim's tackle, the Doc says it'll be at least 10-14 days before he is back in full working order again.
"Doc, you've gotta help me! I'm getting married in a week and my wife's still a virgin! There must be something you can do?"
The Doc says, "Well, if I put this ointment on your penis, and wrap 4 tongue depressors around it with masking tape holding them in place to create a makeshift splint, and you don't use it for 1 week, then you should be ok!"

The wedding comes.....it's been a great day! The night arrives and Jim and his new bride are about to get into bed.
His wife takes off her wedding dress and says to him, "Look at my perfect, unspoiled body! You will be the first to have it!"
Jim, smiling, takes off his pants and says, "Well look at my c**k it's never even been out of its case!!!"

[General Mannerheim]

A guy meets a girl in a bar - "Hi, what's your name?" he says.

"Carmen, because I like cars and men! And what's your name?" she replies.

"Charlie Beercunt!" says the guy.