Joke thread

Daxter · Post by **Daxter** » Fri Oct 17, 2008 10:45 pm

Verbal wrote:Who are the best people in the hospital?

.....

The ultrasound people.

(I'll close the door behind me)

You watched Never Mind The Buzzcocks last night didn't you?

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:09 am

Daxter wrote:
Verbal wrote:Who are the best people in the hospital?

.....

The ultrasound people.

(I'll close the door behind me)
You watched Never Mind The Buzzcocks last night didn't you?

In that case you won't need telling as to which singer The Bees prefer then.

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 8:28 am

Verbal wrote:Who are the best people in the hospital?

.....

The ultrasound people.

(I'll close the door behind me)

My mum is a ultrasonographer - i told her that joke once, she didnt have a frickin clue what i was on about!

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 12:45 pm

Daxter wrote:
Verbal wrote:Who are the best people in the hospital?

.....

The ultrasound people.

(I'll close the door behind me)
You watched Never Mind The Buzzcocks last night didn't you?

Maybe :p

'Christ compels you!'

'I'm a Jew!!'

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 11:51 am

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a total profit of $898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Chuck now works for Merrill Lynch.

perfan · Post by **perfan** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 4:03 pm

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction
site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the
pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies,
but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now.

He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab · Post by **KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:00 pm

Not really prepared to sift through 37 pages to check if this one is already here- apologies if so:

A married couple of pensioners have gone to hospital to get some test results for the wife. The doctor asks if he can see the husband privately first.

The doctor says, "I don't know how to break this - the tests have proved positive, but due to an administrative mix-up, we've mixed up two tests. That means that we're not sure if your wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS".

The husband replies, "but that's quite a drastic difference. What are you going to do to put it right?"

The doctor says, "we've had a think, and there's one more test we can do. We will put your wife on the wrong bus home. If she manages to find her way home....don't feck her."

Tombwfc · Post by **Tombwfc** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 6:42 pm

Walked into Blockbuster the other day and asked "Can i borrow Batman Forever?", the fella said "No you'll have to bring it back tommorow."

Puskas · Post by **Puskas** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:17 pm

Henry Kissinger walks into a lumber yard.
"I'd like a piece of four-by-two," he says.
"Certainly, sir," comes the reply. "How long do you want it?"
"How long?" says Henry, "I'd like to keep it"

lovethesmellofnapalm · Post by **lovethesmellofnapalm** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:24 pm

Bloke says to his girl while they're watching t.v.
"Darling. i'd like you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time time"
His lady replies
" You have a bigger c@ck than all your mates"

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:30 pm

Bloke in a car pulls up alongside a ten year old lad.
Says: "Get in the car and I'll give you a pound and a bag of sweets".

Kid says: "No chance".

Bloke says: "Okay, I'll give you a fiver and a bag of sweets" .

Kid says: "No way" .

Bloke sighs and says. "Allright, allright, Ten pounds and a bag of sweets if you just get in the car" .

Kid says, "Look dad, you bought the fxcking Skoda, you ride in it".

KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab · Post by **KeeeeeeeBaaaaaaab** » Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:31 am

There was a 1980s themed fancy dressed party happening, and as soon as everyone turned up they turned the music off, sat in one room and had to guess what everybody else dressed up as. They could only say one sentence that helped people guess their costumes.

The first person came to the middle, dressed up in Dandy gear and with two white stripes across his face. He sid "I sang Stand And Deliver".

A voice from the side shouted "ADAM ANT!"

The second person came in, dressed in white jacket with the sleeves rolled up. He said "My mate was called Tubbs"

The answer was shouted "DON JOHNSON!"

As the third person was walking to the middle, he said "ooh dear, I'm not feeling too well"

A voice came from the side - "AIDS!"

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 5:12 pm

Possibly been posted before but:

Subject: His & Her Diary

HER DIARY:

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought

he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress

and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 9:48 pm

What do you do when a Blonde throws a hand grenade at you?

Pull the lid and throw it back!

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 10:11 pm

What do you call a Skoda with 2 exhausts??

A wheelbarrow

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 10:12 pm

What do you call a Skoda with an open sun roof??

A skip

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 10:12 pm

Why do Skodas have rear heated windows?

To warm your hands when your pushing it

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:48 pm

Guy walks a bit sheepishly into a womens lingerie store. Assistant smiles at him and says: Yes, sir, how can I help you?

Guy says: "I want a maternity bra for my wife"

"Of course sir. What bust?

"Oh, erm..the condom"

William the White · Post by **William the White** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 12:26 am

[quote="Montreal Wanderer"]Possibly been posted before but:

Subject: His & Her Diary

HER DIARY:

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought

he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress

and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.[/quote]

First time i saw this it read...

West Ham got relegated today. but at least i got a jump...

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Wed Dec 10, 2008 11:39 am

The element of surprise was removed from the periodic table in 1921, it could be found under the chemical symbol 'oh'.

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