Joke thread

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Fri Jan 09, 2009 9:49 pm

Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Fri Jan 09, 2009 9:58 pm

This kid walked up to me and asked "What's your favourite Telly Tubby?" I said "Probably the new Samsung Widescreen you cheeky little c*nt".

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Jan 09, 2009 10:05 pm

Bloke says to his mate: " Just hypothetical of course, but if I made love to your missus and she had a child, would we be related? "

Mate says: "No, but we'd be even"

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Fri Jan 09, 2009 11:18 pm

There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in.

He looks at her and can't stop staring.

While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties. He started thinking and something slipped out.

The man said "I'd like to fill your p*ssy with ice cream and lick it all out!"

Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my p*ssy up with ice cream and lick it all out!"

"Now go kick his ass!"

The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't gonna fuc**ng mess about with!"

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Tue Feb 03, 2009 8:26 pm

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

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Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Tue Feb 03, 2009 8:33 pm

What do you call a terrorist with two black eyes?

"Bin Tw@tted"

Zulus Thousand of em · Post by **Zulus Thousand of em** » Thu Feb 05, 2009 11:22 am

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched their heids.'

ChrisTee11 · Post by **ChrisTee11** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:58 pm

Why should you never swerve for a scouser on a bike?

It could be your bike (:

ChrisTee11 · Post by **ChrisTee11** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:00 pm

Why can you not get a good cup of tea at Anfield?

All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:02 pm

Patrick and Michael are in digs before starting a new job the following morning.

Patrick. "I've set the alarm for five Michael!"

Michael. "Now that plain fxxking silly. There's only two of us"

Lord Kangana · Post by **Lord Kangana** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:14 pm

ChrisTee11 wrote:Why can you not get a good cup of tea at Anfield?

All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford

That 'P' should be 'nt'.

ChrisTee11 · Post by **ChrisTee11** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:12 am

Lord Kangana wrote:
ChrisTee11 wrote:Why can you not get a good cup of tea at Anfield?

All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford
That 'P' should be 'nt'.

To true dude

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:17 am

What do the Chelsea Board, The Met and a lady with an itchy crotch have in common?

They all regret going for that Brazilian.

sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...

Zulus Thousand of em · Post by **Zulus Thousand of em** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 12:51 pm

As a Thornleigh Old Boy I reckon I can get away with this one!

Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well, 'says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish..'

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:37 pm

Undertaker to bereaved husband:

"And when did you realise that your wife had passed away sir?"

"Well, the sex was just the same, but the dishes had started piling up"

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 3:54 pm

One day a Bolton Wanderers fan was walking down a beach when he found a bottle. Not being ignorent he picked it up and rubbed it.

A genie then appeared from the bottle and said to the Bolton fan that he would grant him three wishes but all Blackburn Rovers fans would get double what he wishes for.

So the Bolton fan says: "I've always wanted a Ferrari, so a Ferrari appears before his eyes as all Blackburn fans receive two Ferraris.

He then says that he always wanted a million pounds - a sack of money drops before his eyes. The genie says you know that all Blackburn fans will get two million quid. The Bolton fan said: "Yeah, as long as I have a million pounds it's okay."

The genie says you have one wish left, so he says: "Well I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 4:29 pm

I had a mate who was really suicidal.

He was so depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits!

jaffka · Post by **jaffka** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:25 pm

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants.

The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Prufrock · Post by **Prufrock** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 2:27 pm

What do you call Jade Goody in a wedding dress?

A shuttlecock

InsaneApache · Post by **InsaneApache** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 2:28 pm

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