Joke thread

blurred · Post by **blurred** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:20 pm

Bad day for the Sri Lankan touring cricket team - seven down before lunch.

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:45 pm

blurred wrote:Bad day for the Sri Lankan touring cricket team - seven down before lunch.

http://www.the-wanderer.co.uk/boards/vi ... 782#445782

freeindeed · Post by **freeindeed** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 3:15 pm

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't..

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 8:57 pm

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.... 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Dujon · Post by **Dujon** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 10:26 pm

Thanks, Hoss.

superjohnmcginlay · Post by **superjohnmcginlay** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:45 pm

Two women were out for a stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.' The lady with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'

The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry lady, no pets allowed'

The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my guide dog.'

The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'

The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'

The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, 'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry lady, no pets allowed.'

The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my guide dog'

The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?'

The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua! They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua ??’

ratbert · Post by **ratbert** » Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:34 am

I caught my dog Minton eating shuttlecocks the other day. I told him "Bad, Minton"

Verbal · Post by **Verbal** » Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:12 pm

My Nan beat my Grandad to death recently.

Not with a stick or anything, she just died first.

BWFC_Wyles · Post by **BWFC_Wyles** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:43 pm

ratbert wrote:I caught my dog Minton eating shuttlecocks the other day. I told him "Bad, Minton"

So bad, it's genius!

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:16 pm

I felt an idiot this morning...

Down's Syndrome or no Down's Syndrome, nice tits have gotta be groped!

ratbert · Post by **ratbert** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:34 pm

Dr Watson: "Holmes, what are your favourite cheeses?"

Sherlock Holmes: "Emmenthal and Brie, my dear Watson"

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:55 pm

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.

General Mannerheim · Post by **General Mannerheim** » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:56 am

Promised the wife I would take her to Italy to see the ruins.

Bless her, she thinks we're off to Rome.

Traf · Post by **Traf** » Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:13 am

blurred wrote:Bad day for the Sri Lankan touring cricket team - seven down before lunch.

Was that meant to be funny?

Am I wrong in thinking you're a Liverpool fan.
If you are, do only specific tragedies warrant respect?

coffeymagic · Post by **coffeymagic** » Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:55 pm

My mum and dad were up at the weekend and we got talking about a guy who used to work for my dad called Dave The Goon. His moniker says it all but as an example he once deliberatley shat himself becuase he wouldn't use a public toilet or ask the woman whose house they were working on if he could use hers.

Anyway, this story reminded me of this old 'un....

A builder asks the woman if he can use her toilet as he has been 'taking salts'. 'Of couse' she says and he dashes upstairs. Later on when she walks in the bathroom she finds shit all up the walls, over the ceiling, absolutley everywhere.

'Jesus Christ!' she says 'What are those salts you're taking?'
'Summersaults' the builder replies.

I've been laughing at that since Saturday night.

eddybwfc · Post by **eddybwfc** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 6:15 pm

Broke my record the other night for continual sex, 1 hour and 2 mins.

Then i realised the fecking clocks had gone forward

John Doe · Post by **John Doe** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:29 pm

Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset the other week because he didn't get any Easter eggs. His secretary said to him 'Mr Governor does this mean that you hate Easter now?' and Arnold replied 'Nah I still love Easter baby.'
(c) Adam and Joe

TANGODANCER · Post by **TANGODANCER** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:32 pm

She: "How would you like a blow job?"

He: "Will it affect me dole money?"

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:09 pm

ratbert wrote:I caught my dog Minton eating shuttlecocks the other day. I told him "Bad, Minton"

do you listen to "The Unbelivable Truth" by any chance? downloaded series 2 and listened it on the way to swansea.. i think that one was in there....

Bruce Rioja · Post by **Bruce Rioja** » Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:42 pm

thebish wrote: do you listen to "The Unbelivable Truth" by any chance?

It really is one of Radio Four's poorer shows, especially for that particular time-slot, as far as I can see.

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