Joke thread
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Bruce Rioja
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General Mannerheim
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General Mannerheim
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General Mannerheim
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Worthy4England
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Montreal Wanderer
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The Scotsman said, "In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."
The Englishman said, "At my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third after you buy the first two."
"Ahh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub in Dublin, you set foot in the place, they buy you all the drinks you like. When you've had enough, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this happen to you?" the Scotsman asked.
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "But it happened to me sister quite a few times."
The Englishman said, "At my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third after you buy the first two."
"Ahh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub in Dublin, you set foot in the place, they buy you all the drinks you like. When you've had enough, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this happen to you?" the Scotsman asked.
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "But it happened to me sister quite a few times."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
Montreal Wanderer wrote:The Scotsman said, "In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."
The Englishman said, "At my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third after you buy the first two."
"Ahh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub in Dublin, you set foot in the place, they buy you all the drinks you like. When you've had enough, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this happen to you?" the Scotsman asked.
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "But it happened to me sister quite a few times."
Classic
TALKING BALLS AS ALWAYS
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superjohnmcginlay
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Al Qa'eda to go on strike.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase
in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent
shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of
Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like
a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying
people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000
of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex and
Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in
these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put
down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that
Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to
paradise.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase
in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent
shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of
Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like
a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying
people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000
of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex and
Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in
these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put
down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that
Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to
paradise.
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TANGODANCER
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Saw this on another forum:
How would Nelson and the country have fared if he had been subject to modern political correctness and health and safety regulations? We would all be speaking French now!!
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed 'HMS Appeasement!'
Nelson - Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.
Hardy - Aye Aye Sir
N - Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.
H - Sorry Sir.
N - England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
H - Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had devils own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist
N -Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H - Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
N - In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
H - The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's a part of Governments policy on binge drinking.
N - Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
H - I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.
N - Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please!
H - That won't be possible Sir.
N - What?
H - Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N - Then get the ships' carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H - Unfortunately he's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
N - Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. H - Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
N - Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
H - Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N -Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H - A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won't let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
N - I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
H - The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N - What? This is mutiny.
H - It's not that Sir, It's just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of human rights lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N - Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?
H - Actually Sir, we're not!
N - We're not?
H - No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.
N - But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H - I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.
N - But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
H - Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
N - Don't tell me - Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
H - As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.
N - What about sodomy?
H - I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.
N - Thank God for that - In that case - kiss me Hardy!
How would Nelson and the country have fared if he had been subject to modern political correctness and health and safety regulations? We would all be speaking French now!!
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed 'HMS Appeasement!'
Nelson - Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.
Hardy - Aye Aye Sir
N - Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.
H - Sorry Sir.
N - England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
H - Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had devils own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist
N -Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
H - Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
N - In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
H - The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's a part of Governments policy on binge drinking.
N - Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
H - I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.
N - Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please!
H - That won't be possible Sir.
N - What?
H - Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N - Then get the ships' carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H - Unfortunately he's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
N - Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. H - Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
N - Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
H - Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
N -Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H - A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won't let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
N - I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
H - The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
N - What? This is mutiny.
H - It's not that Sir, It's just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of human rights lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
N - Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?
H - Actually Sir, we're not!
N - We're not?
H - No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.
N - But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H - I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.
N - But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
H - Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
N - Don't tell me - Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
H - As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.
N - What about sodomy?
H - I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.
N - Thank God for that - In that case - kiss me Hardy!
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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William the White
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TANGODANCER
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Well, I don't know who the "someone was; it took me about thirty seconds to cut and paste it. Thought it quite funny myself.William the White wrote:You know, Tango, I'm amazed anyone had the patience to type out something as dull as that...
Still, thank you for sharing it...
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
Meh. There were maybe two funny lines. Like most of that stuff though, seemed to make a better case for HS, HR and PC than against.TANGODANCER wrote:Well, I don't know who the "someone was; it took me about thirty seconds to cut and paste it. Thought it quite funny myself.William the White wrote:You know, Tango, I'm amazed anyone had the patience to type out something as dull as that...
Still, thank you for sharing it...
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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Worthy4England
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Worthy4England
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Maybe we should have a Committee appointed to monitor it too.thebish wrote:Worthy4England wrote:Miserable bag o buggers.
Maybe we should start a joke analysis thread.
oooh - good idea!
It would need proportional representiation from all sectors of the community.
And then maybe a voting system, should a section of the community be offended by a particular joke element.
you're on fire Worthy! another winner!Worthy4England wrote:Maybe we should have a Committee appointed to monitor it too.thebish wrote:Worthy4England wrote:Miserable bag o buggers.
Maybe we should start a joke analysis thread.
oooh - good idea!
It would need proportional representiation from all sectors of the community.
And then maybe a voting system, should a section of the community be offended by a particular joke element.
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