Joke thread
Moderator: Zulus Thousand of em
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BWFC_Insane
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- Posts: 38821
- Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:07 pm
Remember you'd need an elected commissioner!Worthy4England wrote:Maybe we should have a Committee appointed to monitor it too.thebish wrote:Worthy4England wrote:Miserable bag o buggers.
Maybe we should start a joke analysis thread.
oooh - good idea!
It would need proportional representiation from all sectors of the community.
And then maybe a voting system, should a section of the community be offended by a particular joke element.
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Worthy4England
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- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 6:45 pm
Icing on the cake.thebish wrote:you're on fire Worthy! another winner!Worthy4England wrote:Maybe we should have a Committee appointed to monitor it too.thebish wrote:Worthy4England wrote:Miserable bag o buggers.
Maybe we should start a joke analysis thread.
oooh - good idea!
It would need proportional representiation from all sectors of the community.
And then maybe a voting system, should a section of the community be offended by a particular joke element.
A Joke Tsar!!! Could run it all and set-out guidelines etc. it could be a the world's first iQANGO.
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TANGODANCER
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- Posts: 44175
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
I think you'd need a list of words that can't be used under any circumstances. Also, we can't have commitee members who take the pixx out of other members freely, yet get up in arms about doing it for imaginary characters or circumstances. . Just not done, you know. All for one and one for all, and all that. 
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
...but I'm sure we'd spell committee properly!TANGODANCER wrote:I think you'd need a list of words that can't be used under any circumstances. Also, we can't have commitee members who take the pixx out of other members freely, yet get up in arms about doing it for imaginary characters or circumstances. . Just not done, you know. All for one and one for all, and all that.
Best things about it:Bruce Rioja wrote:Superb.Puskas wrote:Have I already posted my Alzheimers joke?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
4: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
you can also hide your own easter eggs - that's a bonus...Prufrock wrote:Best things about it:Bruce Rioja wrote:Superb.Puskas wrote:Have I already posted my Alzheimers joke?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
4: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
What's Easter?thebish wrote:you can also hide your own easter eggs - that's a bonus...Prufrock wrote:Best things about it:Bruce Rioja wrote:Superb.Puskas wrote:Have I already posted my Alzheimers joke?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
4: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
go on, do the compass point joke!
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
no - I won't!Prufrock wrote:What's Easter?thebish wrote:you can also hide your own easter eggs - that's a bonus...Prufrock wrote:Best things about it:Bruce Rioja wrote:Superb.Puskas wrote:Have I already posted my Alzheimers joke?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
4: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
go on, do the compass point joke!
shall we start a joke thread?
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TANGODANCER
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- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
Oh, absolutely, but then again, we'd have to all check our own posts first so as not to pick those nits. They're a protected species now you know.thebish wrote:...but I'm sure we'd spell committee properly!TANGODANCER wrote:I think you'd need a list of words that can't be used under any circumstances. Also, we can't have commitee members who take the pixx out of other members freely, yet get up in arms about doing it for imaginary characters or circumstances. . Just not done, you know. All for one and one for all, and all that.
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
An old chap went to the doctors for his test results and was told there was some bad news and some worse news. 'Go on then' he said, 'I'll take the worst news first.'thebish wrote:no - I won't!Prufrock wrote:What's Easter?thebish wrote:you can also hide your own easter eggs - that's a bonus...Prufrock wrote:Best things about it:Bruce Rioja wrote: Superb.
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
4: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
go on, do the compass point joke!
shall we start a joke thread?
'Ok, the bad news is, you've got cancer and we reckon you won't see Christmas'
'Right, well........ What's the other news then?'
'Well during our consultations it's become apparent that you're suffering from Alzheimer's'
'That's not so bad is it? Could be worse, I could have cancer.'
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Montreal Wanderer
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- Posts: 12948
- Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 12:45 am
- Location: Montreal, Canada
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great, too! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Who fecked up your hair?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great, too! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Who fecked up your hair?"
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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TANGODANCER
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- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
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TANGODANCER
- Immortal
- Posts: 44175
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Between the Bible, Regency and the Rubaiyat and forever trying to light penny candles from stars.
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Bruce Rioja
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- Posts: 38742
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 9:19 pm
- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
David Beckham gets into a taxi.... "Heathrow please, Driver".
After about 10 minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror, this happens continuously until they approach the airport.
Driver says "Come on, mate, give us a clue?"
Beckham says.... "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played for A.C. Milan, played in America and won over 100 England caps".
Driver says.... "No you thick c*nt, what terminal?".
After about 10 minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror, this happens continuously until they approach the airport.
Driver says "Come on, mate, give us a clue?"
Beckham says.... "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played for A.C. Milan, played in America and won over 100 England caps".
Driver says.... "No you thick c*nt, what terminal?".
May the bridges I burn light your way
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Gravedigger
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1144
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 1:26 pm
- Location: North London, originally Farnworth
How many Forum Subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to 'post' that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting Forum section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical Forum section .
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs .
5 to 'flame' the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar 'flames.'
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb' ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct.
19 to 'post' that this Forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb Forum.
11 to defend the 'posting' to this Forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the 'posts' are relevant to this Forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to 'post' URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to 'post' that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
3 to 'post' about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all 'posts' to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too."
5 to 'post' to the group that they will no longer 'post' because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say, "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before 'posting' questions about light bulbs."
_________________
1 to change the light bulb and to 'post' that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting Forum section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical Forum section .
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs .
5 to 'flame' the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar 'flames.'
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb' ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct.
19 to 'post' that this Forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb Forum.
11 to defend the 'posting' to this Forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the 'posts' are relevant to this Forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to 'post' URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to 'post' that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.
3 to 'post' about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all 'posts' to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too."
5 to 'post' to the group that they will no longer 'post' because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say, "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before 'posting' questions about light bulbs."
_________________
Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man and let history make up its own mind.
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Gravedigger
- Dedicated
- Posts: 1144
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2004 1:26 pm
- Location: North London, originally Farnworth
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! It's your f***ing plane!!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!'
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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that's her, she wasnt that tall!'
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
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An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'
_________________
He replied in 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! It's your f***ing plane!!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that's her, she wasnt that tall!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is humping a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'
_________________
Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man and let history make up its own mind.
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