Joke thread

[General Mannerheim]

Missing Missy - the story of a lost cat. Bit harsh but amusing in its icy detachment.

cant open that at work, but i recieved it on email a few weeks ago, thought it was brilliant! NO REWARD

could not find a decent online version to post here tho.

[Bruce Rioja]

Missing Missy - the story of a lost cat. Bit harsh but amusing in its icy detachment.

Superb.

[Dave Sutton's barnet]

He's done similar before, in the same vein. I particularly enjoyed (but can't find at a quick glance) a to-and-fro with a particularly annoying client.

[Little Green Man]

Excellent stuff. We should get him to design a mosaic for match days.

[clapton is god]

...and the drawing of a spider presented in lieue of bank charges was also on there. There are some gems if you do a bit of digging.

[TANGODANCER]

Excellent stuff. We should get him to design a mosaic for match days.

What particular music do you like?

[Gravedigger]

Nine words a woman uses.


1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch television before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Fcuk you.
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Gravedigger]

When did Pinocio realized that he is made from wood?

When his right arm caught on fire..

[spraggy]

what's the definition of everlasting love?








Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis

[jaffka]

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.

The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

[TANGODANCER]

New anti-depresant drug for lesbians: Triacokagen.

[General Mannerheim]

“Doctor Doctor, I think I have Malaria…”

“Ok Mrs Cole, im going to need to see your vagina”

[General Mannerheim]

i have an inbox full of tasteless, witless, racist, downright disgusting Pakistan disaster jokes – they just keep flooding in!

[Randy Watson]

I saw Quazimodo running down the street the other being chased by a bunch of kids, shouting "look will you lot pxss off, I havent got your bloody football"

Quazimodo..... That name rings a bell.

[Randy Watson]

“Doctor Doctor, I think I have Malaria…”

“Ok Mrs Cole, im going to need to see your vagina”

Pulled a robbery there mate!

[CrazyHorse]

Kylie and the happiest bear on the planet....

[Montreal Wanderer]

The Mexican maid asked the husband for a pay increase. The wife was very
upset about this and decided to talk to the maid about the raise.

The Wife asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: 'Your husband say so.

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Maria: 'Your husband did.

Wife: 'Oh..

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[Bruce Rioja]

See, Monty. This part of the joke is ideal for your American cake thread thingy.

This is the punchline. This is the funny. This is where the listener laughs.

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.

Oh, but what's this here? Surely not an added bit that yon American needs in order to 'get it'?

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[seanworth]

Aaaah thanks Bruce I didn't get it until you highlighted the last two lines again.

[TANGODANCER]

See, Monty. This part of the joke is ideal for your American cake thread thingy.

This is the punchline. This is the funny. This is where the listener laughs.

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.

Oh, but what's this here? Surely not an added bit that yon American needs in order to 'get it'?

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Have to go with that about American humour. Met a friend of my son over there . This was his joke:
Guy says to his mate: "I'm not happy"
Mate replies: "So which one are you then?" Seven Dwarves, Gedit? HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.

After hearing this in every bar we visited, golf course etc for three days it paled to the point of almost head-banging.Lovely guy, couldn't do enough for you and generous to a fault, but his humour was crap.