Joke thread

[seanworth]

I used to go out with a girl until she damaged my weather station.

[Dujon]

Ho dear, ho dear. What a debacle.

Fancy turning into a TANGO Jnr - how embarrassing!

[Worthy4England]

Ho dear, ho dear. What a debacle.

Fancy turning into a TANGO Jnr - how embarrassing!

How junior???

[General Mannerheim]

just recieved this email... PMSL!!!

[seanworth]

[jimbo]

Haha!

[Bruce Rioja]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

Apparently they're not a dating agency.

[Montreal Wanderer]

*the 1st Affair*

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'*





The 2nd Affair*

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby..
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'*




The 3rd Affair*

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase..

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'*




The 4th Affair*

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'*




The 5th Affair*

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'*
**



The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'*

[Il Pirate]

very good Monty.

[jaffka]

A mother is cleaning her teenage son's room when she sees some magazines under his bed. Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines.

In her horror, she screams.

The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son's bed, and asks, "What's wrong?" And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, "What are those?"

The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, "What are we gonna do with this boy?"

Her husband replies, "Well, we're not gonna spank him. That's for sure."

[CrazyHorse]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'. The policeman was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'. The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there was a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[TANGODANCER]

Five people arrive at a ferry port in an Audi Quatro. The port official says: " It's illegal to put five people in a Quatro. Quatro means four".
The driver says: "Quatro is just the name of the car. It holds five people, check the papers"
Offical says: "Sorry, you can't pull that one on me. Quatro means four and you are breaking the law".
Driver say: You're a fxcking idiot. Call your supervisor ove here, I want to speak to someone intelligent. "
Official: Sorry, no can do. He's busy with those two fellas in the Fiat Uno".

[seanworth]

Cute Crazy Horse.

By the way the doughnut/police connection is very much a N.A. thing. Is it also the case in the U.K.?

[boltonboris]

Nope.. Doughnuts aren't particularly 'big' over here.. You'll usually see them in a caff grabbing a bacon and egg barm!

[Prufrock]

The doughnut thing has resonance over here, but possibly, only due to the Simpsons?

What Boris described is more common, or for instance, every Wednesday night sat for half on hour outside the Chinese on Fortess Road in Kentish Town. Then an our later sat outside the Subway on the high street. The fatties!

[boltonboris]

I've booked a table for me and the missus, for Valentines day.

It'll end in tears though... she's shit at Snooker

[BWFC_Wyles]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible.......

No wait..... I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does that. Sorry!

[BWFC_Wyles]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are!!"
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk!"
She replied, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm f**king not!"
She said, "Can you tell the time??"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm no f**king drunk!"

[TANGODANCER]

Husband dies and is cremated. Wife takes his ashes home and spreads them out on a table, then starts to talk to them:

" Well Albert, you're gone now and I'd just like you to know I just bought that car you always promised me with the life insurance. I also bought the emerald necklace you always promised me and I've just booked the Carribean cruise you always promised me..... Now then, you know that blow job I always promised you?

"Well, get fxxcking ready....!"

[CrazyHorse]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"







The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."