Joke thread

[jimbo]

Semantics. They deal with disease, looking at cells and stuff under microscopes, and then that obviously leads to them dealing with death and it's cause if unknown.

Forensic pathologists only deal with issues if there is police or suspicion of wrongdoing around the death.

[Lofthouse Lower]

This thread is hilarious

[clapton is god]

And when someone is standing 'over your dead body' doing the post mortem it will be a pathologist!

So, ner ner na ner ner!

[Bruce Rioja]

And when someone is standing 'over your dead body' doing the post mortem it will be a pathologist!

So, ner ner na ner ner!

Ah, but you have the wrong tense there, Clapton. X will only happen 'over my dead body' and as such isn't dead yet.

[jaffka]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Antonio's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now...'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Verbal]

Why was the adobe acrobat arrested?

Because it was a pdf file.

[davroduk]

Why was the adobe acrobat arrested?

Because it was a pdf file.

[Verbal]

You're just jealous

[davroduk]

You're just jealous

LOL

[Lofthouse Lower]

A Wiganer goes into a pub,

The barman says "Want to try our offer? A pint, a pie and a shag for a quid."

Wiganer replies "Hmm, what sort of pie?"

[a1]

A Wiganer goes into a pub,

The barman says "Want to try our offer? A pint, a pie and a shag for a quid."

Wiganer replies "Hmm, what sort of pie?"

one from somewhere in bolton , knowing wigan.

[Zulus Thousand of em]

A Wiganer goes into a pub,

The barman says "Want to try our offer? A pint, a pie and a shag for a quid."

Wiganer replies "Hmm, what sort of pie?"

one from somewhere in bolton , knowing wigan.

That link is from Wikipedia. LL will have read it already.

[Prufrock]

Bowen's in Adlington. Used to be good. Bit dry now.

[Always hopeful]

I used to own a racing snail, but it never won a race. I tried to make it more aerodynamic by removing its shell. It didn't work.

If anything, it made it more sluggish.

[Verbal]

Tried to book tickets to the Sea-Life centre yesterday. I was on the phone to them when suddenly the woman made me say ‘Jump through the hoop and wave to the audience’.


Apparently my call may be used for training porpoises.

[CrazyHorse]

Tried to book tickets to the Sea-Life centre yesterday. I was on the phone to them when suddenly the woman made me say ‘Jump through the hoop and wave to the audience’.


Apparently my call may be used for training porpoises.

[CrazyHorse]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my children', she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

[Dujon]

*Groan*

A 24-hour ban for you, mi lad.

[seanworth]

I quite liked them. Sometimes there is nothing better than a great silly joke.

[BWFC_Wyles]

I told the wife last night that I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and I didn't know what it was.

She said, "Ring Sting!"

I said, "What makes you think he'll f*cking know?!"