Joke thread

[Prufrock]

On a similar line to the WWTBAM one, a guy told me a story today at work about a guy he used to work with, had me in stiches anyway.

This lad was a bit on the dim side, but he liked to have a go at the crossword. Well, one day, he got stuck, so he asked folk for some help. They listened to this clue, seven letters, beginning with 'D' for AGES, and nobody could get it. They asked him if he was sure about this 'D', to which he said he was. Finally somebody got up to have a look. This 'D' was the last letter in his answer to the clue, "First name of Garfunkel, Paul Simon's writing partner (3)"

The twonk had written 'AND'.

[thebish]

not really a joke, not sure where else to put it!

my son just got this threatening letter!



he wrote to me thusly:

Recieved this letter today and thought it was rather amusing, as did the lady at the cash office when I tried to pay my "overdue balance".
For some reason she spurned the shiny penny I brought along with me and told me to just tack it onto the rest of my rent at the end of the month!

[superjohnmcginlay]

Bloody students. Trying to dodge payments.

[TANGODANCER]

Bit surprised the didn't add an admin charge and postage on.

[TANGODANCER]

(A Lancashire Lads reflection)

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice..'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's Lancashire, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Lancashire are intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth..'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting in Yorkshire!

[General Mannerheim]

I was telling some blonde jokes the other day

she didnt get them.

[seanworth]

(A Lancashire Lads reflection)

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice..'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's Lancashire, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Lancashire are intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth..'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting in Yorkshire!

Many versions of that joke. In Canada the bastards are the Americans.

[2399]

A Footy player on the Footy Show said to another panelist:

What's that saying;
When in Rome, Do as the Romanians do

[Lofthouse Lower]

Love the Footy Show

Sterlo

Reg Reagan

[2399]

Where I am that is the Late Footy Show (NRL).
I like that Mario guy.

Here it's the AFL's Version.

The man who is Reg Reagans, Matty Johns was involved in some NZ Hotel sex thing and was booted and then got his own show on 7.
It pi**ed me off as in Vic that show would be on at around Midnight; the same time as the NRL Footy show. And sometimes I'd watch it.... Well it would pi** someone off seriously if they like the NRL and live in Victoria.

Actually it did sadden me that Reg Left The Footy Show, I think he might of done skits on the new show.
I just checked to see if johns show was on...it''s not, more importantly:
Because of the (AFL) Footy Show's 500th show going to 1am (which I can't watch cos tommorow is house inspection).
The NRL Footy show is not on in Victoria!
I'd be so ticked off if i were a NRL Fan.
People at 9 should feel ashamed

[Prufrock]

Made me giggle:


"I swear to God I'm not gullible."

[a1]

Made me giggle:

"I swear to God I'm not gullible."

reads as sanctimonious as any religion

d minus

[Prufrock]

Can I have bonus marks for factual accuracy?

[William the White]

Made me giggle:


"I swear to God I'm not gullible."

Made me laugh out loud...

[superjohnmcginlay]

A night out with you two must be a fooking riot.

[Prufrock]

Made me giggle:


"I swear to God I'm not gullible."

Made me laugh out loud...

Whilst I'm in Frank Turner mode, it reminded me of this I think you might like. An atheist hymn, recorded for the album with an atheist gospel choir. I doubt Tango would approve, but I like it. It's the positive side of atheism, reasons to be cheerful.

[enrdentw]

A young lad is totally into tractors. He subscribes to the latest magazines, he know the latest models etc. One day however, he sees a tractor kill a dog and he becomes less and less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of the poor dog.

10 years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend : God I hate it when its so smoky in these places?

The lad takes a deep breath and much to his girlfriends amazement he then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar.

Girlfriend : Wow, how did you do that??

Young Man : Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan!!

[davroduk]

A young lad is totally into tractors. He subscribes to the latest magazines, he know the latest models etc. One day however, he sees a tractor kill a dog and he becomes less and less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of the poor dog.

10 years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend : God I hate it when its so smoky in these places?

The lad takes a deep breath and much to his girlfriends amazement he then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar.

Girlfriend : Wow, how did you do that??

Young Man : Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan!!

[TANGODANCER]

Question on "Pointless" tonight:

Name a Shakespeare play with a place in its title?

A: Hamlet.

[Bruce Rioja]

Question on "Pointless" tonight:

Name a Shakespeare play with a place in its title?

A: Hamlet.

Other than for Venice, and without google-ing on down, on you go.