Joke thread

[boltonboris]

Very good Tango

[Montreal Wanderer]

ARE YOU AS SMART AS THESE CHILDREN?
Children Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.



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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Bruce Rioja]

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had. So, for a laugh, I decided to shave his eyebrows off and drew a cock and bollocks on his face. My sister went fecking mental when she looked in his cot!

[Wandering Willy]

[The Axman]

I haven't yet read through all 85 pages of this thread, so hopefully this isn't a repeat. Football Quotes for your delectation:
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
Mark Viduka

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce

‘I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'
Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush


'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.'
Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'
Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.'
David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.'
Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry.

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'
Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
Gary Lineker

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.'
Vinny Jones

'If you don't concede any goals you'll win more games than you lose.'
Wayne Bridge

'Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian?'
Shaun Newton

[The Axman]

Kate Moss goes to a party where she runs into Jeremy Clarkson...
Kate: "What do you do?"
Jeremy: "I do Top Gear"
Kate: "Great! I'll have four grams!"

[TANGODANCER]

David Beckham: "Victoria, this bacon isn't cooked properly!"
Victoria Beckham: "It's Parma Ham David".

[The Axman]

A Newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month....", the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult...However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there" admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church", stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head...
"We're not welcome at B&Q either."

[The Axman]

THE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in
diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar wasfull. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: No matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

[The Axman]

A jumbo jet is just coming into Toronto Airport on it's final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom and the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot. "OK skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"
Now all ears are listening to this conversation.
"Well" says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm going to wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[Annoyed Grunt]

80's flashback.

[The Axman]

80's flashback.

Progress. I thought I was at least back in the 70's.

[Annoyed Grunt]

80's flashback.

Progress. I thought I was at least back in the 70's.

I'm not that old

[TANGODANCER]

Line of the day from Richard Osman on Pointless:

"The nemesis of Flash Gordon was Ming the Merciless from planet Mongo, later a Liberal Democrat."

[TANGODANCER]

Head versus heart.

One evening last week a man and his wife were getting into bed. Man's all raring to go but woman says: "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me!"

Man: "Whaaaat?"

Woman: " You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough to satisfy your physical needs as a man. Can't you just love me for who I am and not just for what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Man sighs,turns over and goes to sleep. Next day he takes a day off work, takes her for lunch and then suggests they go shopping. Encourages her to buy clothes, shoes, perfumes and expensive jewellery to a staggering degree. Wife's ecstatic and finally says:

"I think that's it darling, let's go to the cashiers"

Man says: No, honey, I don't feel like it"

Woman's jaw drops...." Whaaaaat?"

Man: No,really. I just want you to hold all this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. Why can't you love me for who I am and not just for what I buy you?"

He didn't get sex that night either.

[Montreal Wanderer]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized seven guys last night…then dropped the mike on his foot and yelled “feck me!”

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life….

[seanworth]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized seven guys last night…then dropped the mike on his foot and yelled “feck me!”

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life….

[thebish]

I bought some maltesers the other day and took them to Weightwatchers...

I threw them all over the floor...

best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen!

[seanworth]

Fernando Torres just arrived at the ground, Stamford Bridge Security stopped him and asked him what was in his kit-bag. He smirked and replied "A bomb, a handgun and a packet of cocaine". "Thank god for that" the guard said, "for a moment i thought you had brought your boots".

[CrazyHorse]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "Besides, I've put on a few pounds myself!"




So I told her to fck off.