Joke thread

[The Axman]

[Verbal]

oh. right.

:/

[thebish]

[boltonboris]

If found guilty, Harry Redknapp could be forced to work with disadvantaged youngsters in London as part of his community service.

Arsenal were quick to express an interest.

[davroduk]

Following the success of Stephen Spielbergs film

"Warhorse"

He has announced their will be a sequel.

This one will be based on the career of Liverpool striker Andy Carrol and will be entitled

"CARTHORSE"

[Andy Waller]

Geordies have been gutted after going to see the film "Warhorse" and finding out it wasn't about their horse...

[The Axman]

Geordies have been gutted after going to see the film "Warhorse" and finding out it wasn't about their horse...

Brilliant.

[thebish]

Geordies have been gutted after going to see the film "Warhorse" and finding out it wasn't about their horse...

[RealLifeHobbit]

Wife rang up earlier: "The kids want to go bowling at the weekend and then to the cinema afterwards"

I said "It's either or, too expensive for both"

"Okay then," she said "which one do you prefer?"

I said "David"

[davroduk]

For years I thought my wife had Tourettes.

But apparently she really does want me to "Feck Off" !!!!!!

[Montreal Wanderer]

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it U Pat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

[CrazyHorse]

I'm ready for a piss UP after reading that.

[TANGODANCER]

What about UPside Down?

[boltonboris]

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it U Pat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

I masterbate

[CrazyHorse]

[thebish]

I masterbate

I think Bobo's shower-mystery is solved!

[Bruce Rioja]

I masterbate

I was going to say - go for a piss!

[clapton is god]

I masterbate

Therefore I am?

[Worthy4England]

On a related theme...

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?















Coz they don't have any balls to scratch.

Boom, boom.

[thebish]