Joke thread

[jaffka]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

[2399]

That's a classic.


Here's one for everyone to use while at a dinner:

"Do you have any Winter Peppers?"

"They answer"

"Well, How about Summer Salts?"

(joke is that Summersault is said.)

From The Tim Vine Live DVD

[Montreal Wanderer]

That's a classic.


Here's one for everyone to use while at a dinner:

"Do you have any Winter Peppers?"

"They answer"

"Well, How about Summer Salts?"

(joke is that Summersault is said.)

From The Tim Vine Live DVD

I doubt it would be a knee-slapper at any dinner I've attended... I don't know who Tim Vine is and I'm not sure I want to know any more.

[TANGODANCER]

That's a classic.


Here's one for everyone to use while at a dinner:

"Do you have any Winter Peppers?"

"They answer"

"Well, How about Summer Salts?"

(joke is that Summersault is said.)

From The Tim Vine Live DVD

Christmas dinner, out of a cracker might do it with the kids.

[TANGODANCER]

My wife and I went to the Yorkshire Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'




My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Worthy4England]

That one raised a snigger.

[Annoyed Grunt]

My wife and I went to the Yorkshire Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'




My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[CrazyHorse]

Now that Lance Armstrong's been accused of taking drugs, I'm seriously starting to doubt his story that he walked on the moon.

[Worthy4England]

Now that Lance Armstrong's been accused of taking drugs, I'm seriously starting to doubt his story that he walked on the moon.

[thebish]

[seanworth]

Not bad.

[Prufrock]

That joke was told about walkmen. Oldies are the best...

[thebish]

[plymouth wanderer]

The England football team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.

'It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope in their eyes', said Jamal, aged six.

[plymouth wanderer]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on his grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!

[plymouth wanderer]

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.

[IggyTheDawgster]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

[thebish]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

[davroduk]

Owen Coyle,

Football Manager.

Feckin Hilarious

[bobo the clown]

A guy told me yesterday that he thought I should be told 2 things ; ....

1. His willy is EXACTLY the length of 2 Argos Pens
2. He's barred from Argos.