Joke thread

[plymouth wanderer]

Been impressed with the Olympics this year those chinese swimmers have come on leaps and bounds since morecombe bay........

[plymouth wanderer]

I've got a friend who's just started a business selling landmines.

He says prophets are going through the roof

[plymouth wanderer]

A Policeman pulled me over on the motorway.He came to the window and said, "Papers,"

so I replied, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

He must want a rematch, because he's been chasing me for fvcking miles now.

[plymouth wanderer]

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

[plymouth wanderer]

You know I never care what other people think of me, because jesus thinks i'm to die for

[plymouth wanderer]

I bought a deodorant stick today. I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom.'

I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely

[plymouth wanderer]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low

[plymouth wanderer]

My girlfriend left me for a deaf guy.

To be honest I should have seen the signs

[plymouth wanderer]

I've had to take a second job working in a bakery. I knead the dough.

[plymouth wanderer]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker."

He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan

[plymouth wanderer]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I smashed her over the head with my Xbox

[plymouth wanderer]

3 am, just been woken up yet again by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted for f.... sake keep it down

[plymouth wanderer]

I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made

[Montreal Wanderer]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
‘We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

[Prufrock]

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman movie. Our dates so far can be summarised as follows...

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN.

[Prufrock]

So The brother of Jim Carrey has committed suicide..

They really shouldn't have named him 'Harry'.

[CrazyHorse]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
‘We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

Like it. Like it a lot.

[thebish]

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman movie. Our dates so far can be summarised as follows...

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN.

a gem amongst turds!!! I like it!!

[TANGODANCER]

Not a joke, a laugh. An actual line from the film The Sweeney:"

And a prime minister behaving like a clockwork King Canute" Might be just me, but it raised a laugh.

[jaffka]

A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.

The bartender gives it to her.