Today I'm neither Angry nor Happy about....

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Oh. Fxck.
Holiday just fallen through for the third time in five days. Bllx.
Back to surfing the getsrightupmynosewhennotfindingpreciselywhatitisthatibloodywantnet.

[Montreal Wanderer]

Oh. Fxck.
Holiday just fallen through for the third time in five days. Bllx.
Back to surfing the getsrightupmynosewhennotfindingpreciselywhatitisthatibloodywantnet.

How about a nice cottage like this?

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Leave it out... that's a shed!

(How did you do that? It's the same shed from a different angle. Is it you that owns it? Some sort of international property dealership - erecting holiday homes out of sheds on every known continent).

[Gary the Enfield]

Leave it out... that's a shed!

(How did you do that? It's the same shed from a different angle. Is it you that owns it? Some sort of international property dealership - erecting holiday homes out of sheds on every known continent).

It's a reversed image isn't it?

[Montreal Wanderer]

Leave it out... that's a shed!

(How did you do that? It's the same shed from a different angle. Is it you that owns it? Some sort of international property dealership - erecting holiday homes out of sheds on every known continent).

I could even show you the inside with the giant screen tv...

[Lost Leopard Spot]

That's feck'n marvellous. Look at the size of that TV. At least they you varnished the interior. How much do you charge per shed per week 3C$?

(PS angst over... take a gander at Today I'm Happy!)

[Verbal]

Well today is a good day and a bad day all in one so I guess this thread will have to do. And it's been an honest and pretty groundbreaking day for me so I feel like takiing a shot. Beware: long, ambling story.

I've been getting pretty regular mood swings for years. I can't pinpoint it really but it probably started around secondary school AFAIR. Nothing terrible, really. I was never a happy kid nor popular, just muddled about, took it on the chin and worked away. But yeah I wasn't a great kid. Even mum and dad called me a recluse. I guess I just felt safer in my own company. Anyway this cooping myself up alone and various things at school (nothing outlandish just regular 'pick on the weird kid' stuff) led to me being sad a lot of the time. It made me hate seeing other people. Everytime my mum and dad invited people around I'd do anything just to sit in my room. I just didn't want to be made to feel like 'that' person, which is what it felt like a lot of the time. I liked my company. I didn't like theirs. Let us not be in the same room together, then.

The upshot of this is that I found it extremely difficult to trust people. If I'm not around them, they can't hurt me, right? Well, that kind of logic. Even when people make sarky comments about me I sometimes get quite offended even though the person who said it clearly meant it as a joke. (Not as bad as I used to be but it still happens). The other upshot is this is that when I get into one of the low moods I isolate myself away from everyone. This creates a ridiculous vicious circle where when your sad, you shut yourself off, you get even sadder because you don't feel you can talk to anyone, then you get even more sad because you are sad, and then you just hide under the pillow for the rest of the weekend.

I remember a few years ago when I was working on my placement year calling in sick a couple of times, not because I was physically ill but because I just couldn't bear to face anyone. It's like a trap you set up yourself and then fall in - I didn't trust people, so when I got sad I couldn't talk about it and all the emotions that come with being sad didn't have a release, and so I'd burrow further into this kinda reclusiveness. This kinda level of being down had been happening since university. Again I just put it down to one of those things - blamed it on circumstances at the time, went along with it and rode it out.

I've been on a pretty big downer recently - actually the whole period since the marathon in april has been a big rollercoaster for me personally, for various reasons. Anyway these events conspired to get me into another rut. Again I put it down to circumstances and thought "oh well Verbal this is just what you are it happens its part of life just get on with it you pathetic piece of ...etc etc". I've been drinking and generally absuing my body pretty heavily because of how I've been over the summer as well, which hasn't helped. (Drinking strong Polish lager on your own does bad things to a man's mind, I tell you) Again, I've not told anyone about how I'd felt. Just got on with it and hoped my mood would perk up with time.

Then last night happened. And it became apparent that this isn't right.

I'd gone out to a friend's clubnight. Nice evening, danced a lot, met old friends and new. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary tbh. Then it got to about 2am and it went wrong. I don't know if you ever get the feeling when you are about to cry of pressure under your eye sockets? Well that started to come. And then my stomach started becoming very tight. And then my head just went and I couldn't do anything. Speak, look at people, hear...nothing. All that I felt was absolute, overwhelming depression. I just became completely paralysed with sadness at a level I'd never felt before. At this point i grabbed my coat and went to leave. I didn't think I was giving anything away about how bad I was, but as I was going a friend pulled me up and told me if i wanted a chat I could come to him. All I can remember is half nodding and walking off out.

Then I got on the nightbus home and cried for the whole journey back.

I still can't really say why it happened. I think personally that things had been piling up so much over the years in there that eventually there had to be a tipping point. And for whatever reason, that was last night. It's kinda hard to describe but all I could thing about was how unbelievably miserable and a mess ive been and it just kept coming. The metaphor 'paralysed by sadness' may sound daft to some, but I honestly don't know what else to describe it as. It's not something I would wish on anybody.

You might be wondering why I've bothered typing this out. Well, that's the point - the fact that I've actually gone to the trouble of articulating how I've been. The upshot of what happened yesterday is that I actually finally started to talk to people about what's happening, even if the first one was me worrying my friend back home with several texts and a desperate, inconsolable phone call at 4am this morning. I've spoke to a couple of other poeple about it too...it wasn't easy at all, but just thinking back to last night and what they've said kinda confirmed, finally, that feeling like this pretty regularly for about six years (with peaks and troughs ofc) isn't normal and will ultimately prove self-destructive. And it doesn't matter that I've told people on here who hardly know me or dont at all. The fact that I have is pretty much the first step I've taken in admitting that something is wrong.

Going to ring the GP in the morning and sort out a chat, of sorts. Several friends have also asked if I wanted to speak to them to help as well, which is good too. I'm pretty nervous about it to be honest, talking to someone about how my mind's been since I left school. I find it very hard to trust people and handing over my mental state even to friends, never mind people i dont know, is pretty terrifying in some respects.

I'm still quite shaky today - it's been weird trying to take it in, to be honest. You might find this a bit pathetic and that, some lad bleating on about being upset a bit, but for me this feels like quite a big turning point in my life. Not being able to talk to people about how you feel because you dont trust them for nearly a decade is a hell of a long time.

I'm happy that things will hopefully pick up soon. I'm just sad it's taken so long for me to act on it.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Fxckin'ell. Good Luck. Let it all hang out with the doc, but leave the benzos alone.

[Gooner Girl]

Verbal, well done for writing all that out, was pretty brave of you, maybe getting it all down on paper and talking to people and actually letting the problem 'out' is the start of dealing with it? Sounds like it needs to be dealt with and going to the GP's is the obvious next step. I hope you have a good GP, sounds like you have lots of friends who care too.

Chin up Hun, I am sure you can get on top of this, you're a lovely lad (even being a Bolton fan ) and great company, whatever you may think. Let us know how it goes at the GP's, meanwhile try and eat well, talk to friends and get some exercise, it's clear you were loving it when you were running and playing badminton regularly - how about signing up for another race to give you something to focus on?

((((hug)))) from this Gooner! Xx

[malcd1]

A very brave email to write but hopefully like your marathon, yesterday and this post are the first steps on your road to recovery.

Although chatting to friends and family will be a benefit, getting some professional help is also important.

Good luck, Verbal.

[truewhite15]

Good luck fella. I know the feeling, and the doc will definitely help.

[bobo the clown]

Blimey Verbal. Very moving and great respect to you for saying all that ... to yourself, first of all, to friends, professionals and now ourselves. I hope it was cathartic .... it certainly looks like it may be.

You'll have progress and occasional stalls but knowing more about yourselves and that when people ask "can I help" they actually mean it should be a boost, hopefully. Some things are easier to tell strangers than to tell friends or family, don't question it when you feel able to open up to one person in a way you can't with others.

There are no 'text book' answers as each question ... & each individual ... are different. Good luck, don't feel odd about it. Even behind the most outgoing there are hidden issues of sadness. We all know it, we just don't all accept it.

m

[Verbal]

Cheers guys. It's been a pretty difficult couple of days and saying this on a forum to strangers might seem odd, but (and yes bobo) it is very cathartic thanks again for your responses.

GG - yes well I that's one thing I need to do. Going to start badminton up again as soon as me knee gets better. Paris marathon is a goal as well. That's the plan.

Appointment booked for tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be ok. Thanks again guys.

[TANGODANCER]

First step with any problem is facing up to the fact there is one, and admitting it to yourself. I'm full of admiration you did that. People tend to shove things in mental boxes and slam the lid on them; opening the boxes and letting things out can let you see the problems in the light, and sometimes you realise your mind made more of them than they actually are. I'd say you made a good, and very honest, start on that. Now you have, get some help with it all and, as others have said, drink and pills are no answer. I'm backing you to crack it. Chin up and, to coin a much battere phrase, "Today's the first day of the rest of your life" Onwards and upwards mate and good luck.

[Wandering Willy]

You might find this a bit pathetic and that, some lad bleating on about being upset a bit, but for me this feels like quite a big turning point in my life. .

Not pathetic at all Verbal - in fact it is, as you say, the first step in recovery. A very brave first step which I applaud you for. There are many people trained to help with these kinds of problems and your GP is a great place to start.

I wish you all the best and remember that friends and family can be a great source of support.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Mon 8 Oct 2012 15:38
Psssst, Bobo. Dan alert!

[Gary the Enfield]

Cheers guys. It's been a pretty difficult couple of days and saying this on a forum to strangers might seem odd, but (and yes bobo) it is very cathartic thanks again for your responses.

GG - yes well I that's one thing I need to do. Going to start badminton up again as soon as me knee gets better. Paris marathon is a goal as well. That's the plan.

Appointment booked for tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be ok. Thanks again guys.

You're the second person I know in the last couple of days to open up in print like this. What you've done is a brave thing and it sounds as though you may have more real friends than you thought. The GP is absolutely the right next step to make and I wish you the very best of luck.

What you may not also realise is you could have helped someone else who reads this to realise that THEY aren't alone and give them the courage to talk to someone too.

As someone once said, 'the internet, serious stuff'. In this case it's a turn towards the positive. Well done Verbal.

[bobo the clown]

Mon 8 Oct 2012 15:38
Psssst, Bobo. Dan alert!

Oh, really ???

[Abdoulaye's Twin]

Hats off to you Verbs. That took guts, particularly as you've met quite a few of us on here. Hopefully you've a good GP to support you to go with the friends that sound as though they'll support you all the way. You've taken the first steps now, just make sure you use the support on offer to help you over the bumps. All the best.

[Harry Genshaw]

Years ago a friend of mine suffered with terrible depression and told me that at its worst she couldn't even see colours. That remark stayed with me a long time, as will your post Verbal. Good luck fella.