Joke thread

Worthy4England · Post by **Worthy4England** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 3:58 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase."

Lost Leopard Spot · Post by **Lost Leopard Spot** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:19 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase."

Annoyed Grunt · Post by **Annoyed Grunt** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:07 pm

CrazyHorse wrote:I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase."

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Fri Dec 14, 2012 5:30 pm

Irish guy takes his Goldfish to the vets.
Vet asks "What seems to be the problem?"
Irish guy says "I think it keeps having an Epilectic fit"
Vet says "It looks ok to me"
Irish guy repies "Hang on I havnt taken it out of its bowl yet !!!"

Wandering Willy · Post by **Wandering Willy** » Sat Dec 15, 2012 1:29 pm

Montreal Wanderer · Post by **Montreal Wanderer** » Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:48 pm

TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was sad because her boyfriend left her. She went down to the harbor, staring at the ocean, where she met a man.....

"I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Always hopeful · Post by **Always hopeful** » Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:08 pm

What's the most common owl in Britain?

The tea towel.

(yes, it's christmas cracker joke season again)

Lost Leopard Spot · Post by **Lost Leopard Spot** » Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:17 pm

Always hopeful wrote:What's the most common owl in Britain?

The tea towel.

(yes, it's christmas cracker joke season again)

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:48 pm

Always hopeful wrote:What's the most common owl in Britain?

The tea towel.

(yes, it's christmas cracker joke season again)

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 8:44 am

Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche....

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 8:54 am

My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot sitting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

Annoyed Grunt · Post by **Annoyed Grunt** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 8:56 am

Little Green Man · Post by **Little Green Man** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 8:59 am

CrazyHorse wrote:Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche....

Monsieur, with these ancient cracker jokes you are really spoiling us.

Lost Leopard Spot · Post by **Lost Leopard Spot** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 10:22 am

I went to see The Hobbit on Monday, then I went again on Tuesday then on Wednesday then again last night.

I don't think I should go again tonight because I'm starting to think it's hobbit-forming.

Annoyed Grunt · Post by **Annoyed Grunt** » Fri Dec 21, 2012 1:51 pm

Lost Leopard Spot wrote:I went to see The Hobbit on Monday, then I went again on Tuesday then on Wednesday then again last night.

I don't think I should go again tonight because I'm starting to think it's hobbit-forming.

Erm.......stick to nursing the headache.

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Mon Dec 24, 2012 9:59 am

davroduk · Post by **davroduk** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 6:57 pm

My new German girlfriend scores me out of 10 everytime we have $ex.
Last night without warning I rammed it all the way up her ar$e.
NINE, NINE. she screamed.
My best score yet !!!!!!

CrazyHorse · Post by **CrazyHorse** » Tue Dec 25, 2012 9:09 pm

I hope that one wasn't in a Christmas cracker.

thebish · Post by **thebish** » Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:09 pm

2399 · Post by **2399** » Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:05 pm

davroduk wrote:My new German girlfriend scores me out of 10 everytime we have $ex.
Last night without warning I rammed it all the way up her ar$e.
NINE, NINE. she screamed.
My best score yet !!!!!!

Went down well, have told it twice to groups of people!

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